Another Birthday!

Just celebrated my 42nd birthday yesterday and I must say... it's GOOD to be alive for another year! :) I am now a ONE YEAR SURVIVOR! :) It was a GREAT birthday!

First Post-cancer Mammogram---CHECK!

Yesterday was "the day" --- it was time for my first post-cancer mammogram. Stephen and Kathryn came with me to the hospital. It was very comforting to have my husband there. :-)

The diagnostic mammogram wasn't too bad. I was expecting it to be very painful, but it was tolerable. After the images were taken, I was led to a changing room where I'd sit and wait for results. The technician called Stephen and Kathryn to come and sit with me.

We waited for quite a while, and of course, that was a bit nervewrecking. I played over in my head different things that could either ease my mind or stress me out--- i.e. "I'm on Tamoxifen, so that offers protection against breast cancer.", "If they've found it's come back, I'll ask for a mastectomy right away!", "If they've found something, I'm going to insist they don't address it until I've returned from Africa."

Finally, the radiation doctor was able to read my images! The technician came back and said that things "look good", but they wanted me to hang out there for a while and have an ultrasound done. Of course, that was a bit scary. She explained that my scar tissue has changed my breast so they needed to do measurements by ultrasound to have a NEW baseline mammogram to compare to in the future. I thought "Okay. That makes sense." It relieved some anxiety. She also said that scar tissue can get smaller, but NOT bigger. So, in the future, if my scar tissue looked bigger in mammogram images, it could indicate a problem (i.e. tumor?)

To get to the ultrasound room we had to walk by the office of the surgeon who gave us the news of my cancer a year ago. It was hard for both Stephen and I to see that room. He noted the wall space where my images were displayed last year and we were shown the lump. We remembered the words of the doctor- "It's concerning for cancer." It wasn't pleasant to revisit that moment.

It was also difficult to be back in the ultrasound room where I'd had an ultrasound and biopsy last March. It brought back a flood of emotion. I noticed the phone on the wall that I'd been anxiously waiting to hear ringing from last year--- my doctor (OB/GYN) was going to call at any moment and discuss my mammogram findings. I remember crying my heart out in that room and looking desperately at my husband for reassurance. So, it was not fun to be in there yesterday. However, strangely, I felt kind of grateful to be one year out from my diagnosis--- to be back there with so much horror behind me--- in the past. It's almost like I laid in there and my life went back to March 2010 and then fast-forwarded to March 2011. Very odd!

The ultrasound technician told me that she was going to take a look at the breast (on screen). I can't remember what she said, but the reason she gave for the ultrasound made me feel a bit anxious again. It wasn't the same reason that the technician had given.

I watched the screen as she conducted the test and at times thought I shouldn't look. I could see an odd shape and it reminded me of the odd shape of my tumor when we viewed the mammogram readings last year. I thought "Oh no, not again!" It was hard to wait for the technician to finish and give me information. She completed her work and said she'd be back to let me know if "they" need more images.

THAT made me think that she'd found something and they'd need a closer look. SCARY!

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably three or four minutes, she returned and said the "good news is that there's nothing bad" (that's all I needed to hear!) and that what the test showed was some fluid that had collected in my breast (from surgery, I assume). I'll be seeing my surgeon next week and will discuss it with him.

They want me to come back in six months for another diagnostic mammogram as well as an ultrasound. That affects me in two ways:
1. It's reassuring that they're keeping a good eye on things
2. It makes me wonder if they saw something suspicious that they want to keep an eye on

I'm sure the first one is the case--- my scar tissue is something that may change in coming months and they'll get a better look in six months? They'd have told me if there had been anything concerning?

Other ladies who've had breast cancer have told me that they were concerned with their scar tissue at the first mammograms post-cancer, too.

I'm tempted to feel like having this "clear" mammogram behind me gives me permission to live my life with confidence for the next six months. But, I know that we have to take life one day at a time. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow...

A Lil' Update

Two months post-radiation and seven months post-chemo--- still quite fatigued and trying to adjust to that aspect of my "new normal". I usually do quite well in the mornings, but by afternoon I'm worn out. Hoping this improves with time.

White cell counts were still a bit low when tested on Valentine's Day, but neutrophils were getting back into the normal range. That's what the doctor was concerned with.

My hair is still growing at a slow, steady pace. I continue to have a love-hate relationship with my hair at this stage. It's quite short and I'm just not used to it. So many people have commented that they love my hair and that I should keep it this way. That is encouraging, but I guess I'm looking to have it more like it used to be--- a sense of normal.

The date for my first mammogram since the diagnostic one (my first one ever) is March 14th. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm getting nervous about it. I guess it just feels like the mammogram I had last year "caused" my cancer somehow... it's what brought it to our attention. In all actuality, it saved my life. If it weren't for that test, my cancer would be growing and spreading without my knowledge. Yet, that mammogram was what marked the beginning of a year of upheavel in my life.

I'd read that some women diagnosed with breast cancer blame their doctors, or some other healthcare provider, for their cancer. Now, logically, we know they didn't cause it. However, we associate the people involved with the diagnosis with the nightmare that breast cancer brings to our lives. So, with all that in mind, I am HOPING that the woman who did my mammogram (as well as the additonal pictures) is NOT the person who will run my test this time around. I DO associate her with my cancer. She was nice, for sure, but it's just a strange dynamic of this experience... I guess that seeing her again would cause me to relive that awful day when she clued me in that something wasn't quite right with my "pictures".

I've also read that some women cannot sleep the night before their mammograms... I hope this isn't the case for me. I hope that I can find a way to approach this appointment without fear and anxiety. I'm so afraid that the doctors will find another lump. This is a real catch 22--- it would be totally nuts to not get a mammogram (given that early detection saves lives), but I wish I didn't have to do this again so soon.

At the same time, I cannot believe it's been a FULL YEAR... since "D" day. DIAGNOSIS DAY.

It's not a done deal!

I wonder how many of my family and friends were under the same impression that I was--- that once treatment ended, I'd be well and on my way to normal again.

Once treatment ended on Dec. 30th, I was on a mission to take my life back. For a couple of weeks I went full speed--- weeded out things at home, cleaned and took my life back.

Well, it didn't take long for my newfound energy (which had to have been adreneline) to fizzle out. It has been a HARD reality to accept the fact that I am IN RECOVERY MODE.

I am struggling to accept my limitations and that I must live my life differently for the time being. This makes me feel like I'm still a cancer patient. And, I guess I am one.

I'm learning that morning is when I have the most energy and will be able to concentrate the best. There are a few hours in which I can accomplish the most that I will for the entire day. I have to pick and choose what's going to be my most important priority at the start of each day.

This is a HARD restraint for someone who is task and goal oriented. I have an ongoing, never-ending "to do" list that I create. Being industrious makes me feel normal. I don't know how to just SIT and let time pass. Yet, I find myself dragging my feet behind me if I can't rest, rest, rest...

...and, with such busy young children, I can't "just rest" when my body is begging for that. So, I feel like I'm in a battle with myself at the moment. :) It's an adjustment period.

Many other breast cancer survivors have told me that it takes about a year to recover. My oncologist recently told me it can take up to 18 months.

If I can give myself permission to take life slowly, will the other people in my life understand this is necessary? Will they support me during a time of limitations? Will they lessen their expectations? I NEED them to be understanding.

It was very surprising to learn at my Jan. 24th oncology check-up that my white cell count was lower that day than it had been three months earlier (when I was only three months post chemo). I suppose radiation gave my immune system a beating.

What am I trying to say today with this blog entry? It's plain and simple. Treatment is over, but my recovery is not. I am asking family and friends to allow me to walk slowly through life for a while... and, I'm asking myself permission to do it.

Three Weeks After Radiation

Three weeks after radiation treatments came to an end...

I'm feeling stronger as the days go by-- just get tired easily by mid-afternoon. It seems like it's been so much longer than three weeks since treatment ended.

My hair is growing, but ever so slowly. Several times per day I find myself reaching to the back of my neck to feel for my hair, but of course, it's not quite there yet.

It's been so crazy since we were starting to "wrap up cancer"--- Stephen's Dad died, then my dad was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia...

...my sister and her husband have been in Maine for about a week to assist my parents with Dad's care since his early release from the hospital last weekend. His health condition is not good. Due to congestive heart failure, he is weak and unable to be very mobile. He spends most of his days bundled up on the couch, and understandably, he's discouraged. His care is too much for Mom, so we're just not sure what's going to take place in the coming weeks and months.

Meanwhile, we're trying to make a decision within the next few days about whether or not the children and I should travel to Ghana in late March and April with Stephen for his father's funeral. He wasn't wanting to take us, because he knows that he is going to be very busy with funeral related errands, and then with his responsibilities over the course of about a four day period when there will be funeral events and meetings following. He has worried about leaving us in a home in Ghana while he's away for some days in the village, because I don't know the language, etc.

I'm torn, because I know it would be incredibly hard to take the children on a long trip like that, as well as to manage without a washing machine, worry about malaria and other diseases, seeking out foods that we're used to that I can prepare for the children, trying to keep the kids from ingesting tap water, etc. The family home will be very crowded with guests---and is already full with people who live there. I don't want to be a burden to my husband's family by taking up space and needing to shop for bottled water and special food.

This is a VERY HARD decision to make. I've checked with the school and it should be okay for the kids to miss a few weeks. I've found great flight schedules (overnight so the kids can sleep) and relatively good airfare. Those are positives. I'll check with my oncologist on Monday about whether or not I should be traveling to a third world country so soon after treatment, and if I can safely get my Typhoid booster.

Another positive would be for the children to get to meet their grandmother. It's a huge, painful disappointment that they didn't get to meet their grandfather before he passed. And, there are lots of other relatives the kids could meet.

I don't like the idea of my family being so far apart for three weeks---us here, Stephen there. Yet, Kaylee's break is also at the time of our travel and the kids and I would miss seeing her if we were to go to Ghana.
Tyler and Kanaho will be in Japan during some of that time, and Kaylee will be at school. So, this causes me to worry about being on my own with the three kids in our home while my entire family is away.

Another thing I'm worried about is my father's health while I'd be away... what if something happens?

And, of course, another BIG concern is finances. Should we all go, we'll have a financial set-back, unless God provides a miracle. I guess this is where it lies--- I've been praying and asking God to make it clear to us if the kids and I should go. He knows best.

Snow Day

It's almost mid-January now. It's amazing how quickly the days since radiation treatment ended seem to be flying by, yet during treatment they seemed to drag a bit. Interesting.

Life changes seem to continue---one thing happens, and then another. I'm reflecting back over the past several weeks as well as the past few years. It seems as though one life challenge is overcome and after a brief reprieve another one presents itself. I'm remembering the year I found out that I was expecting Kathryn... my dog of 10 years had to be put to sleep. Three days later I found out that baby number five was on its way. Then, my dad had quardruple by-pass surgery and heart valve repair the following month. Two months later, on the very day that we found out I was having a girl, my oldest child called me in complete dispair--- he'd been involved in a terrible car accident in which a pedestrian was involved. He desperately wanted me to fly to Florida to be with him, but I couldn't leave my then two year old twins to travel. I felt incredibly torn as a mom. A few more months down the road I was put on hospital bed rest in my eighth month of pregnancy. We had to reply completely on the Lord to provide childcare for the twins, because my husband could not miss work for those couple of weeks. And, it seems life has kind of continued like this ever since then, and it was the same before. And, having cancer sure was a "major" unexpected event for us, and now, of course, we've just lost my husband's father and my dad is not well in the hospital.

How do we bear up under the stresses and pressures in this world? I can honestly say that I could NOT survive challenge upon challenge, disappointment upon disappointment, and stress upon stress without my faith in God. He provides comfort, hope and a never-ending supply of mercy and grace. Without Him, what would life be like? Would there be a sense of hope? Would there be an expectation of everything just ending some day and that would be it? Live life large and it's over? Thank God, it doesn't have to be that way. Thank God, that there's a place in heaven that makes the very best things in this world seem insignificant compared to what He has for us there. And, no more cancer. No more dying. No more pain. No more broken relationships. There will be rest. There will be peace.

Kaylee heads back to college tomorrow. It's hard to believe that we're "there" already. It seems as though it's not been an entire year since she announced to us that she believed God was impressing upon her heart that she needed to take a year off from school. WOW!

The twins are feeling quite sad about her leaving, and it seems the baby has even picked up on the fact that change is coming. She's been a bit clingy to Kaylee today. It's another adjustment for our family. What's one more? Man, what a YEAR we have had.

I'm very concerned about my father's health. He's in the hospital with pneumonia, blood clots in his kidneys and congestive heart failure. It's difficult to know that he's struggling. He was always such a strong man who worked hard. I wish the Rapture would come soon--- very soon, and both of my parents would be able to experience that.

Well, we don't know what the future holds, but I do know change is coming. Kaylee's going back to school and upon graduation in May she'll get an apartment with friends. That will make two children out of the nest. :-( Stephen will travel to Ghana in late March and early April for his dad's funeral. I don't expect that the kids and I will be able to go (which I'm sad about) due to the expense of tickets, vaccines, visas, etc. I'm worried about managing on my own with the three little kids for as long as he'll be away. Tyler's family will also be traveling that month (to Japan), and Kaylee will be home for just a short amount of time during that period. I have to remember to not worry about "tomorrow" because God's got it all under control. Deep breath! :)

We're having a big snowstorm today which is kind of cool--- school was cancelled and that's enabled the boys to be home with their big sister for a full day before she leaves. A little gift from God?

It's FINALLY over!

Finally, after nine months of battling breast cancer, I have finished the last step of my treatment today. It's finally OVER. At least, I hope so. I am cautiously celebrating the end of this nightmare, because there's a part of me that is so scared that it's going to return. I wish I could have confidence that this is over forever, and that I can feel free to just go on with life without another thought of cancer.

So, it's over. At least for now. No more running to the doctors every day for radiation. No more impending surgeries. No more chemotherapy. Now, there will only be doctor's appointments every three months. Oh, you can ONLY imagine (unless having gone through this) WHAT that means to me. I am so tired of putting on johnnies, being picked and prodded... oh, I am so TIRED of it all.

And, really, I'm just plain TIRED FROM it all. It's been LONG and it's been HARD.

People have told me over and over again how brave I am, how well I've done, how I've been an inspiration to them, that they can't believe how I've faced everything with courage--- that they don't think they could have done what I've done. I have to tell you, I have done what I've done out of pure necessity. There are three little faces that greet me every single day, and if it weren't for them, I could not have endured this battle. They needed their mom, and they still need me... and WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children?

I have fought for my children. And, I've fought hard. I wanted them to have the most NORMAL life they possibly could while I went to battle. They probably did MORE fun activities during the months I was in chemo than they've done during any other season of their lives. And, Christmas during radiation--- sometimes I felt I was taking it out of my own hyde to make sure they had their Christmas. So, tell me, WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children? It's ALWAYS about the kids--- once you become a mom--- it's not about you.

I could NOT have done this without my husband and my oldest daughter. My husband has been "the wind beneath my wings". I actually strongly dislike that saying, because that song has been played so much... Ha! But, this man has been AMAZING and I want the entire world to KNOW that. If anyone has ever underestimated the goodness in that mans heart, they have been WRONG. He has stood beside me and fought cancer almost as if it were him who were sick. He was at every appointment he could make. He comforted me when I felt I couldn't keep going. When I felt I was going to fall, he caught me. When I felt I was weak, I drew from his strength. He never ever ever made me feel that I was less beautiful when I lost my hair and my body became scarred. He is an ANGEL and no one should ever tell me otherwise. I pray God will bless him for standing by his wife during an extremely stressful time.

Kaylee gave up her job, a great part of her social life, her freedom to "come and go" as most people her age do, and so much more to take on a strong role of caregiver to the kids during the past nine months. She tackled it with dedication and responsibility, and so much love. The kids have strongly bonded with her during these past months and I have to say--- there's no one else I'd ever feel so comfortable leaving my kids with. Kaylee has greatly sacraficed this year--- and she is also an ANGEL. Now, Kaylee's planning to go back to Bible college to pick up her life where she left off--- just two more weeks and she'll be on her way--- back to HER life. Back to being a 21 year old with a social life, a plan and a future of her own. I pray that God blesses her for her sacrafices for our family this year.

Today, after treatment, I came home from radiation to a really sweet surprise party given by my husband and five children. The decorations were beautiful--- lime green and hot pink. So, springy and sunny.... perfect! And, a lovely cake decorated with hot pink roses and green leaves. My husband provided Chinese food. And, just when I thought they'd really overdone it--- BEAUTIFUL flowers arrived at the door. Stephen bought gorgeous hot pink roses and mini daisies--- in a pretty glass vase with a hotpink and white polkadot ribbon. SOOOOO nice!!

It's a bittersweet time for us--- the end of nine months of "hard stuff"--- it's finally over and we're rejoicing about that. But, in the same week, we've lost my dear father-in-law. I can't explain to you how it feels to have such a heaviness mixed with sprinkles of joy ... it's very odd.

It's ironic--- the very radiation treatment machines that overwhelmed and upset me so much during the first treatment seemed so "small" today. My feelings about the whole thing seemed to be so small compared to what my husband is going through over the loss of his dad. As I laid there today, I didn't feel happiness about the beams being the last ones. Instead, my mind was completely on my husband and his grief. I just wanted to get out of that room and see my husband. It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? Sometimes our trials seem so huge, but someone else --- somewhere in the world--- is having a bigger problem. So, we have to count our blessings.

For me, yes, it's over. At least for now, and I pray it's for the rest of my life. But, at this moment, I'm just grateful to be alive for THIS day. And, if God gives me tomorrow--- I'll walk cautiously, because life is short. Every day is a gift.