It's FINALLY over!

Finally, after nine months of battling breast cancer, I have finished the last step of my treatment today. It's finally OVER. At least, I hope so. I am cautiously celebrating the end of this nightmare, because there's a part of me that is so scared that it's going to return. I wish I could have confidence that this is over forever, and that I can feel free to just go on with life without another thought of cancer.

So, it's over. At least for now. No more running to the doctors every day for radiation. No more impending surgeries. No more chemotherapy. Now, there will only be doctor's appointments every three months. Oh, you can ONLY imagine (unless having gone through this) WHAT that means to me. I am so tired of putting on johnnies, being picked and prodded... oh, I am so TIRED of it all.

And, really, I'm just plain TIRED FROM it all. It's been LONG and it's been HARD.

People have told me over and over again how brave I am, how well I've done, how I've been an inspiration to them, that they can't believe how I've faced everything with courage--- that they don't think they could have done what I've done. I have to tell you, I have done what I've done out of pure necessity. There are three little faces that greet me every single day, and if it weren't for them, I could not have endured this battle. They needed their mom, and they still need me... and WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children?

I have fought for my children. And, I've fought hard. I wanted them to have the most NORMAL life they possibly could while I went to battle. They probably did MORE fun activities during the months I was in chemo than they've done during any other season of their lives. And, Christmas during radiation--- sometimes I felt I was taking it out of my own hyde to make sure they had their Christmas. So, tell me, WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children? It's ALWAYS about the kids--- once you become a mom--- it's not about you.

I could NOT have done this without my husband and my oldest daughter. My husband has been "the wind beneath my wings". I actually strongly dislike that saying, because that song has been played so much... Ha! But, this man has been AMAZING and I want the entire world to KNOW that. If anyone has ever underestimated the goodness in that mans heart, they have been WRONG. He has stood beside me and fought cancer almost as if it were him who were sick. He was at every appointment he could make. He comforted me when I felt I couldn't keep going. When I felt I was going to fall, he caught me. When I felt I was weak, I drew from his strength. He never ever ever made me feel that I was less beautiful when I lost my hair and my body became scarred. He is an ANGEL and no one should ever tell me otherwise. I pray God will bless him for standing by his wife during an extremely stressful time.

Kaylee gave up her job, a great part of her social life, her freedom to "come and go" as most people her age do, and so much more to take on a strong role of caregiver to the kids during the past nine months. She tackled it with dedication and responsibility, and so much love. The kids have strongly bonded with her during these past months and I have to say--- there's no one else I'd ever feel so comfortable leaving my kids with. Kaylee has greatly sacraficed this year--- and she is also an ANGEL. Now, Kaylee's planning to go back to Bible college to pick up her life where she left off--- just two more weeks and she'll be on her way--- back to HER life. Back to being a 21 year old with a social life, a plan and a future of her own. I pray that God blesses her for her sacrafices for our family this year.

Today, after treatment, I came home from radiation to a really sweet surprise party given by my husband and five children. The decorations were beautiful--- lime green and hot pink. So, springy and sunny.... perfect! And, a lovely cake decorated with hot pink roses and green leaves. My husband provided Chinese food. And, just when I thought they'd really overdone it--- BEAUTIFUL flowers arrived at the door. Stephen bought gorgeous hot pink roses and mini daisies--- in a pretty glass vase with a hotpink and white polkadot ribbon. SOOOOO nice!!

It's a bittersweet time for us--- the end of nine months of "hard stuff"--- it's finally over and we're rejoicing about that. But, in the same week, we've lost my dear father-in-law. I can't explain to you how it feels to have such a heaviness mixed with sprinkles of joy ... it's very odd.

It's ironic--- the very radiation treatment machines that overwhelmed and upset me so much during the first treatment seemed so "small" today. My feelings about the whole thing seemed to be so small compared to what my husband is going through over the loss of his dad. As I laid there today, I didn't feel happiness about the beams being the last ones. Instead, my mind was completely on my husband and his grief. I just wanted to get out of that room and see my husband. It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? Sometimes our trials seem so huge, but someone else --- somewhere in the world--- is having a bigger problem. So, we have to count our blessings.

For me, yes, it's over. At least for now, and I pray it's for the rest of my life. But, at this moment, I'm just grateful to be alive for THIS day. And, if God gives me tomorrow--- I'll walk cautiously, because life is short. Every day is a gift.

Very Sad Day

Here we are--- about to end a very diffult year---with the hope of a better 2011--- feeling anticipation for getting back a sense of "normal" and moving on--- and then we get a call notifying us of very sad news today.

My husband's father has passed away. It was unexpected. My husband had not seen his dad for 6 1/2 years. He had planned to travel home in 2010--- the plan was made in February---that he'd go to Ghana to see his family. Then, in March, I was diagnosed with cancer. My illness totally thwarted his hopes and plans to travel. I feel so sorry that my health condition kept my husband from seeing his Papa one more time. I don't even know "where" to put this grief, and I don't think I'll ever settle it in my heart--- even though I know I couldn't control the fact that I got sick.

Our three young children will never meet their Papa. Having felt that hole in my own heart of never having the opportunity to meet my dad's parents (they passed before I was born), I am so sad that my children will also never have a memory of being with Papa.

My heart is broken for my husband and his siblings. He has 12 sibling--- all spread apart on this globe. They'll be coming together one day soon to say good-bye to their dear daddy. It will be very difficult for me to not be able to be there beside my husband, supporting him through that very painful time in his life. Aside from a miracle, there's just no possible way we can buy five plane tickets.

My poor, dear husband! He's the nicest guy I know. He's had a HARD year taking care of me, and now this. I pray that God will hold him close, give him strength and bless him.

29 Down and 4 to Go!

Just some "scattered" thoughts during this busy Christmas week...

I went for the first of my final five "cone down" radiation treatments today. They're focussing the beams only on the tumor bed area now. I'll have a break for Christmas Eve and the holiday weekend and will finish up next week.

It's kind of a drag to have to go out for treatment during my children's school vacation week, but it'll be good to get this all over with and behind us.

As the end of this long year and my treatment for cancer comes to a close, and I look forward to getting back to "regular life", I'm pondering just what the normal life will be now. It's going to be a new normal. I know it will never be how it was before getting cancer. How do I go back to life as usual? What's going to be most important? How should I manage my health? I have a lot on my mind.

I've heard and read that when cancer patients are done with treatment, it can be a very insecure time for them. They had the assurance during treatment that something was continuously being done to fight the cancer. Someone was always looking out for them. When it comes to a conclusion, they feel like they're "on their own". It's a strange thing. It's great to be released from the surgeries, chemo, radiation treatments and continual dealings with cancer, cancer, cancer... yet, it's a time of adjustment.

I will be SO GLAD to not have to plan for "the next step" any longer. No impending chemo. No upcoming surgery. No more dashing out the door and disrupting the day for radiation treatments. Yet, it's definitely a weird place to be after nine very long months of care. It's not like having a baby and then you go back to normal life ... just with an extra person in the family. This is very different. What is NORMAL now?

While in the changing room after treatment today I heard something that brought tears to my eyes and caused me to pray to God and say "Oh no. NOT another one. Oh, God. Please be with this woman." What I heard was the receptionist in the radiation department giving a tour of the changing area-- "You can change in one of these rooms and put your things in one of these lockers. The bathrooms are here and there. When you're done changing, I'll show you where to wait." A slight, older voice replied and it just broke my heart. WHY does someone else have to go through this? Why is there ALWAYS "someone next" with cancer? We're like broken bodies going down an assembly line hoping to be fixed... one after another. It's painful to think about this.

One thing that always grips my heart over at the cancer treatment facility is when I see elderly folks who are there for treatment. I've been through so much at 41, but my body is still relatively young enough to take the beating. These dear old people who are already frail---it hurts to think about it. :-( Yet, I've found that some of those people have been the most endearing, friendly and upbeat ones that we've "bumped into" in the waiting rooms. They are strong on the inside, even if weak on the outside.

I said "good-bye" today to another set of new friends from the waiting room. They kept Stephen and I laughing during the past few weeks, and we really enjoyed talking with them. Off they go today, after treatment, to visit their children and grandchildren in Massachusetts for the Christmas week. They've talked about this and have looked forward to it since we met them just a while ago. What a nice way to celebrate the end of treatment! :-) God, bless them with safe travels and a refreshing time with family.

I would also like to somehow celebrate the end of treatment, the end of my cancer care (minus the Tamoxifen treatment for the next 4 1/2 years), very soon. It's kind of in "dream stage" right now, as I don't know what we can do. We're not financially able to take a vacation as a family. After all we've been through this year, we need to do SOMETHING. Thinking, thinking.

Little Kathryn is stirring in her crib. The twins are waiting for her to wake up, to put on snowpants, and to play in the snow with them for the VERY first time EVER. :-) How exciting! Perhaps just BEING here ---alive---to watch my children grow and play---is celebration enough at the end of this challenging year.

The end is in sight!

Went for treatment number 27 today--- just six more to go, thankfully. Today, I had a CAT scan so the radiation oncologist can plan the final five "concentrated" treatments. Tomorrow, I'll have the last "overall" (for lack of a better word) one. I'm glad, because the skin on my chest and collar bone area, as well as my underarm, is so burned and sore.

It was nice to get in and get out today... even with three things lined up (treatment, CAT scan and doctor's visit). It doesn't go that way very often, but today it was very timely. :-)

Things immediately improved after last week's embarrassing incident involving the man being in the control room during treatment. The next day, one of the technicians told me that they'd met with the doctor and made a plan for any further treatments when there'd be a man in the room. She explained it to me and it was agreeable. What a relief that was! :-)

I know it wouldn't bother every woman, and some have told me it wouldn't bother them. However, everyone I talked to seem to feel that I had a right to my privacy and needed to feel comfortable and without stress during treatment.

Today, we were blessed with some gifts. A local organization gave us a grocery card, a bit of financial aid, and reimbursed us for some mileage. That will be such a HUGE help, and we're grateful. It's 2.59 miles to the cancer treatment facility, and we're going round-trip 33 times for radiation. That's a total of about 171 miles!!

Someone also gave our children some adorable Beanie Babies with which they are so happy. The kids LOVE stuffed animals and play with them every single day. :0)

People are starting to comment on my short hairstyle. It's actually a style now---at 1 1/2 inches long. My hairdresser was a LIFESAVER last week. She nipped a bit here and there and showed me how to use styling paste to create a "look" to get by with. It means a lot when people compliment me about my hair, because I still see "cancer hair" when I look in the mirror. I'm starting to feel like a sense of dignity is coming back, because I can now go out and not look like a sick person. This whole hair thing has been incredibly painful.

Speaking of hair, Kaylee, Kanaho and I had quite a color party last Wednesday. :-) First, we dyed my hair --- something I said I'd never do (use a home color kit). It's now Macadamia (sp?) blonde. Ha! Kanaho was next with a reddish brown color, but her dark black hair didn't take much of the color. It looks like she has highlights. :-) Kaylee chose a light blonde shade. We had fun. :-) Gotta' make the best of the hair situation...

On Saturday, we enjoyed a nice visit from my sister-in-law, nephew's wife, and his daughter, Kanaho, Aloysius, Tyler and my parents. People came at different times. It was a full, busy day. We girls had a surprise birthday party, with the kids, for Kanaho. :-) My sister-in-law brought KFC and tacos. The kids ran wild, playing upstairs, downstairs, and everywhere in between. They had a great time, and even confessed after the fact that they'd all gone in my room and played with my wig. Hmmmm. :-)

We're all looking forward to Christmas. It's been a WONDERFUL distraction from the complete impact of radiation. I'm starting to get more and more tired, so Kaylee and I are trying to come up with ways to make holiday preparations and meals a bit more do-able. Next year, we'll go back to the usual. :-)

Stephen's working long and crazy hours at both jobs. We're also looking forward to a much more relaxed early January--- when his hours will be rediculously reduced (as they are every year at that time). I hope for a lot of down time --- to recover from treatment.

Speaking of R & R---that's what's needed now. :-)

Radiation Humiliation

Today I received my 22nd radiation treatment. My skin is now burning and is starting to hurt. The nurse gave me a bag full of sample creams to try. The radiation oncologist said that my next six treatments will also target the entire breast and collarbone area--- and the burning and pain will peak after the sixth one. After that, the final five treatments will target just the area where my cancer was and it won't be as bad.

I'm so GLAD to be on the downhill slide because I'm getting very TIRED. The fatigue seems to be cumulative. And, I can't sleep well ---- can't sleep through the night. The "hot flashes" caused by the Tamoxifen wake me up off and on all night long. And, once I'm awake, I have to use the bathroom, because I'm drinking more fluids to ward off dehydration during radiation.
I'm trying to remember "this is a season".

I had a VERY humiliating experience today. After my treatment, the technicians entered the room and both lectured me about pulling my arms down and putting my johnny back over my chest before they officially tell me that I can cover up. They said that sometimes the dose I've received isn't enough and they may have to give more treatment.

I explained to them that I usually know when they're done as I know they treat from three angles and I hear the machine turn off when my third one is overwith. But, I assured them that I won't pull my arms down and cover up until they tell me to.

I also explained to them that it's humiliating to lay there with my arms up and my breasts exposed and that I am comfortable with covering back up as soon as possible. I told them about the time that there was a male in the control room during my treatment and I didn't know it until afterward. Much to my surprise, they replied with "Well, there's a guy in there today. He's an engineer who's working on the imager." :-( I was very upset that no one had told me that he'd be in there.

That little control room is where the techs go to administer the treatment while the patient lies in the other room ---exposed. There's a computer monitor so that they can clearly watch the patient during treatment.

Given the nature of human males... no one can tell me that a guy isn't going to take a peek if there's something like that on the screen... even if he doesn't want to stare, he's going to notice something like that (a half clothed female).

I was SO HUMILIATED that I couldn't hold back the tears as I left the treatment room and was met by the nurse who would escort me to my weekly doctor's appointment. She mentioned the situation to the radiation oncologist, and he assured me that he felt I should have been notified of the man's presence. He said he would address the matter.

I had told the tech's at the very first appointment that I was requesting that no males attend my treatments. They'd told me that the male techs would argue that all of the doctors are males, so it's discrimination to make that request. But, they said they'd note my chart. Well, given that they KNEW how I felt about this--- they should have known that I'd not be comfortable with a male engineer being in the control room and being able to view my private business. :-(

There is so LITTLE dignity that a cancer patient has--- and as a friend has put it, we have a right to protect what little dignity we do have left.

I'm hoping it won't be awkward to "face" those technicians tomorrow, and for the 10 treatments that will follow. But, it's MY RIGHT to not expose myself to a repair man. He can take a coffee break during my appointments, and that's exactly what I'll tell them if a man is in there again.

I realize that this would not bother some women. We're all different. But, it bothers me.

My husband couldn't be there today due to his job schedule. I really missed him! This had happened one other time (but I'd "let it go") and he was there to give me a reassuring hug. He knew how embarrassing it had been.

After that, the day just kind of went downhill... little things upset me. The Walmart cashier wasn't very nice. My coupon for hair color (I'm going to try it!) wouldn't scan and she insisted she couldn't do anything about it. The grapes we spent $4.00 on turned out to be moldy. I was stressed about spending money... finances are so tight, as they are for most people these days. And, the shopping took two hours partly because my doll baby girl insisted on walking through the store. Mama's very tired.

But, to look at the bright side--- we have groceries, our pastor's wife was at the store and gave such a warm, encouraging greeting, the treatment appointment and doctor's visit were very timely this time, I lost two pounds, my kids are healthy, my husband has work, Christmas is coming and we're all excited---- and there is just so much to be thankful for. Today's little hassles are so minute compared to what some in this world are dealing with.

And, this brings to mind my dear aunt, cousins and their families as they mourn the loss of my uncle who passed away unexpectedly on Sunday night. What a sad and tragic loss. He died of a bladder infection that had spread to his bloodstream. I'm so sorry. He was caregiver to my aunt. If anyone's reading this, please pray for my Aunt Ann and the rest of her family.

My three youngest children are running through the house like wildfire--- so I'm "out". :-)

14 Down and 19 to go!

Seven of eight appointments are overwith for the week--- just one to go tomorrow.

Today, I went to the eye doctor's office in the afternoon. As I sat in the exam chair, waiting for the doctor, I thought about how GOOD it was to be at an appointment that was NOT cancer related. The thought gave me a sense of normalcy. I didn't even mind the "air puff" test that I've always dreaded in the past. It didn't seem like much after all I've been through this past year.

Then, the doctor informed me that one of the pathways breast cancer can take when it spreads is the back of the eye. He wants me to come in within the next month to have my eyes dialated so he can examine my retinas. So much for my sense of normalcy at the eye doc's! I guess it's one more step to take in my cancer journey.

What a treat it was today to get in and out of treatment within a half hour. Usually, we wait at least a half hour as they always seem to be behind schedule. Stephen and I sneaked to Burger King afterward for a cheap lunch before coming home to rest for a bit in between appointments. :-) A lil' date.

Stephen and I met another person with terminal cancer again yesterday. Man, it's SO SAD--- we've now met two men who are in treatment just to get some "quality time". It breaks my heart. Both men have loving wives who are right by their sides. I'm so IMPRESSED by how faithfully supportive spouses are --- most folks come in "two's"--- the patient and a loved one, usually a spouse.

Our first couple of weeks at radiation were not too bad--- there were some "kind of family" members there who were just so outgoing and funny that they made the place seem light and comfortable. The husband has finished with treatment now, so we've been meeting new people along the way. Most of the time, the waiting room is very QUIET---people are somber. They're tired. Tired of cancer. Tired from commuting daily for treatment. Tired from radiation itself. Tired from caregiving. Tired of being a patient with life changing limitations. Sometimes I just start talking to someone and it doesn't seem to take long for smiles to come out and it's almost like a relief when the tension in the air is broken with a bit of friendly chatter. We're all looking for a sense of normalcy and enjoyment admist a difficult time in our lives. Surface talk is NORMAL and comfortable.

Yesterday, there was a Christmas party for the women from the local breast cancer support group. Sara, my niece, also attended. It was really nice to have that time with her, and it was a fun event. :-) It was inspiring to hear some of the older women say how long they've been survivors. One lady is a 38 year survivor!

We met an eight year survivor who was friendly toward us. I asked her about what it's like "down the road"... how long it takes to not think of cancer all of the time. She said that it takes a while. She took a job at the local breast cancer support organization for a few years after she'd completed treatment--- so she didn't get away from breast cancer right away. Personally, I think that I will NEED to get away from it for some time.

I am really looking forward to focussing on my children. I have hopes for this winter--- taking Kathryn to library story time, play gym, and hopefully making friends with some other mom's of two year olds so she can socialize more. I am anxious to have some "mommy and me" time with her. She's starting to talk so much and LOVES to learn. I want to teach her.

I'm also looking forward to quiet evenings with the twins when Stephen's working. Reading. Talking. Just enjoying hearing what they have to say. I want to be MOM --- not cancer patient mom who's always tired. I'd LOVE to get some children's snow shoes and a pair for myself (WHY did I sell mine a few years ago) and take the boys out snow shoeing. I'd also love to fulfill little Stephen's wish of going ice skating. We'd need skates (dummy me--- sold my skates, too! At least I've kept my XC skis! Ha!) So, if I can find a way to buy these things--- watch out winter, here we come!

And, maybe, FINALLY, I can take care of my husband and he can be done with being my "cancer caregiver". I used to try and surprise him by cooking his Ghanaian foods, make omlets for his breakfast, etc. more regularly. He's helped me so much this past year that I wonder if he'll be able to remember HOW to relax. He's been so good to me.

And... grandbaby Aloysius!! :0)

Speaking of the baby, he'll be coming tomorrow morning for a few hours. With that in mind, Grandma's going to get to bed and rest up. :-) Can't wait to see him!