Radiation Humiliation

Today I received my 22nd radiation treatment. My skin is now burning and is starting to hurt. The nurse gave me a bag full of sample creams to try. The radiation oncologist said that my next six treatments will also target the entire breast and collarbone area--- and the burning and pain will peak after the sixth one. After that, the final five treatments will target just the area where my cancer was and it won't be as bad.

I'm so GLAD to be on the downhill slide because I'm getting very TIRED. The fatigue seems to be cumulative. And, I can't sleep well ---- can't sleep through the night. The "hot flashes" caused by the Tamoxifen wake me up off and on all night long. And, once I'm awake, I have to use the bathroom, because I'm drinking more fluids to ward off dehydration during radiation.
I'm trying to remember "this is a season".

I had a VERY humiliating experience today. After my treatment, the technicians entered the room and both lectured me about pulling my arms down and putting my johnny back over my chest before they officially tell me that I can cover up. They said that sometimes the dose I've received isn't enough and they may have to give more treatment.

I explained to them that I usually know when they're done as I know they treat from three angles and I hear the machine turn off when my third one is overwith. But, I assured them that I won't pull my arms down and cover up until they tell me to.

I also explained to them that it's humiliating to lay there with my arms up and my breasts exposed and that I am comfortable with covering back up as soon as possible. I told them about the time that there was a male in the control room during my treatment and I didn't know it until afterward. Much to my surprise, they replied with "Well, there's a guy in there today. He's an engineer who's working on the imager." :-( I was very upset that no one had told me that he'd be in there.

That little control room is where the techs go to administer the treatment while the patient lies in the other room ---exposed. There's a computer monitor so that they can clearly watch the patient during treatment.

Given the nature of human males... no one can tell me that a guy isn't going to take a peek if there's something like that on the screen... even if he doesn't want to stare, he's going to notice something like that (a half clothed female).

I was SO HUMILIATED that I couldn't hold back the tears as I left the treatment room and was met by the nurse who would escort me to my weekly doctor's appointment. She mentioned the situation to the radiation oncologist, and he assured me that he felt I should have been notified of the man's presence. He said he would address the matter.

I had told the tech's at the very first appointment that I was requesting that no males attend my treatments. They'd told me that the male techs would argue that all of the doctors are males, so it's discrimination to make that request. But, they said they'd note my chart. Well, given that they KNEW how I felt about this--- they should have known that I'd not be comfortable with a male engineer being in the control room and being able to view my private business. :-(

There is so LITTLE dignity that a cancer patient has--- and as a friend has put it, we have a right to protect what little dignity we do have left.

I'm hoping it won't be awkward to "face" those technicians tomorrow, and for the 10 treatments that will follow. But, it's MY RIGHT to not expose myself to a repair man. He can take a coffee break during my appointments, and that's exactly what I'll tell them if a man is in there again.

I realize that this would not bother some women. We're all different. But, it bothers me.

My husband couldn't be there today due to his job schedule. I really missed him! This had happened one other time (but I'd "let it go") and he was there to give me a reassuring hug. He knew how embarrassing it had been.

After that, the day just kind of went downhill... little things upset me. The Walmart cashier wasn't very nice. My coupon for hair color (I'm going to try it!) wouldn't scan and she insisted she couldn't do anything about it. The grapes we spent $4.00 on turned out to be moldy. I was stressed about spending money... finances are so tight, as they are for most people these days. And, the shopping took two hours partly because my doll baby girl insisted on walking through the store. Mama's very tired.

But, to look at the bright side--- we have groceries, our pastor's wife was at the store and gave such a warm, encouraging greeting, the treatment appointment and doctor's visit were very timely this time, I lost two pounds, my kids are healthy, my husband has work, Christmas is coming and we're all excited---- and there is just so much to be thankful for. Today's little hassles are so minute compared to what some in this world are dealing with.

And, this brings to mind my dear aunt, cousins and their families as they mourn the loss of my uncle who passed away unexpectedly on Sunday night. What a sad and tragic loss. He died of a bladder infection that had spread to his bloodstream. I'm so sorry. He was caregiver to my aunt. If anyone's reading this, please pray for my Aunt Ann and the rest of her family.

My three youngest children are running through the house like wildfire--- so I'm "out". :-)