I'm Back, But I Don't Know If I'm Staying!

I'm baaack!  I don't know if I'm staying, yet.  On Thursday, I should know the answer.

Well, about exactly THREE years (nearly to the day) after completing treatment, I'm revisiting the word "Cancer" in my life.

I have experienced 24/7 pain in my left hip and thigh for about 2 1/2 weeks now.  Anyone who's had cancer knows that a pain in the body is no longer "just a pain", and especially if it's one that doesn't go away.  We must scrutinize it with our oncologist. 

I waited a week.  The pain didn't let up.  Tylenol and a heating pad were useless.  It was time to make the dreaded call to the oncologist's office.   We went in and met with the nurse practitioner on January 9, 2014.  She told me to take three to four ibuprophin tablets at a time, and she ordered an ultrasound of the leg, as well as a bone scan.

We immediately went to the hospital from the doctor's office for the ultrasound.  Quick.  Easy.  No clots.  The bone scan was for the following Tuesday, January 14th. 

Per usual, we didn't have childcare, so off we went to the hospital for the scan with our three little people to the hospital.  I was quite bummed, as I wanted my husband to be WITH me during this nervewrecking appointment, and I didn't want the kids to detect ANY concerns.  As it turned out, the kids and Stephen were allowed to sit in on the scan and it became an educational experience.  It wasn't an ideal situation, but I was grateful to have my husband present.

The worst part of the scan for me wasn't the injection of radioactive material into my veins.  It was when the metal plate comes so close to my nose over my face that I feel like it's going to continue to lower until I can't breathe.  I closed my eyes and prayed for people.  An idea that I got from my sister.  Before long, it was OVERWITH.

The technician said that I could view the images if I wanted to.  Well, sure!  So, we all took a peek.  We could see Mommy's skeleton from head to toe, front and back.  Cool, right?  We could also see my "insulation" (fat outline).  Not so cool.  Well, there was also something else that wasn't very cool-- the very obvious dark black area highlighted on the left hip.  Yep, something is going on there.  Confirmed.  I brought my husband back to the images and pointed it out, wishing I could speak his native language so I could privately clue him in to what I was thinking (PANIC!  CANCER?)  But, he got it when I shot him a concerned look.

The technician also picked up on the fact that I'd spotted it.  She told us to wait and the radiologist would look at the images and let us know if they need more pictures.  I knew they would, even before we went there for the scan.  (You know, the gutt instinct thing.)  So, sure enough, I was going to have two x-rays of the hip before leaving the hospital.  I did.  We went home.

I was told it takes 48 to 72 hours for the doctor to receive the radiologist's report, but that the doctor could view the images right away if she chose to.  I didn't want to know right away.  So, I took the next day as a "normal day"--- a day when cancer didn't exist, even as a possibility.  I'm sure this drove some of my relatives (the few who knew) crazy, as they were anxiously waiting for news and praying.  I just couldn't deal with it that day.  I'm like my dad.  He tended to put things off a bit when it was a little too much to think about.

By Thursday afternoon, I figured it was time to ring the doctor's office and find out what I could.  Well, I didn't get the answer I was looking for.  The x-rays were negative, and that is GOOD, but... (yep, there's a "but").  The doctor said the bone scan showed SOMETHING, but she can't tell if it's cancer or not.  She would order an MRI which would be more definitive.  And, she did.

That MRI is scheduled for tomorrow, January 22nd.  Meanwhile, the pain has not left my body.  It moves from the outer hip to the inner hip to the outer thigh to the top of my thigh...and frankly, it's getting on my nerves (pun fully intended!)  I'm TIRED of hurting. 

Someone from the imaging center called today to go over information with me regarding the MRI.  She really freaked me out.  To make a long story short, she said something that led me to ask a question about the contrast ("dye" they'll inject into my veins).  She said, "You have a known breast cancer, right?"  I was dumbfounded and paused before replying, "Well, I did in 2010..."  She went on to explain that the contrast would make the areas where breast cancer has spread to light up.   Um, does she know something I DON'T?  Is there a diagnosis I don't know about?  Before hanging up, I asked her if I'll be in the room alone during the test.  She told me "Yes, but don't worry too much."  (I wasn't.)  I told her that I'm far more worried about a possible bad diagnosis than the test.  She replied with, "Keep positive.  That's half the battle."  Excuse me?  Am I battling something that I don't know about yet?  That conversation sent me into shear panic!!  My husband calmed me down over the phone during his lunch break and told me she doesn't know what she's talking about and that she talks too much.  Sigh!

One day, I decided I'd self-diagnose.  So, I got on the internet (like most folks would, I assume) and googled about hip pain.  Hip Bursitis popped right up and as I did a mental checklist of the symptoms--- I had a lot of them!  YES, it HAS to be bursitis!  Right?  It all fits.  Good, diagnosed.  So, I read about treatment and then dutifully started to treat my pain.  I took ibuprophin at regular intervals, iced the areas that hurt, and put up my feet to rest my hip and leg as much as possible (hard to do with two eight-year olds and a five-year old!)  SURELY, I'd wake up the next day and .... the pain would be gone.  Cure!  Score!

The pain went... nowhere but rather STAYED ... even though it's NOT welcome to stay.  That's overbearing, wouldn't you agree?  :)

So, here we are--- caught in the act of waiting, and worrying, and praying, and fluctuating between trusting God and being scared.  I'll admit, my fear is tipping the scale today--- the faith part is sure being tested.  But, in my core, I KNOW that God is in control.   And, His will is better than my plans. 

How does it feel to be waiting to find out if you're going to live or die?  Well, this is the analogy that sums it up for me:

I feel like I'm in a box.  (The box is the waiting.)  I feel like I've frantically tried to get out of the box.  I've tried to jump from it.  (The icing the pain.)  I've tried to climb out (the ibuprophin.)  I've shouted for someone to rescue me (Tylenol.)  None have removed me from my "trap".  It feels like someone is closing the flaps at the top of the box.  The first flap was closed when I had the ultrasound.  The second one when I had the bone scan.  The third one is the MRI.   Emotionally, I feel like I can't breathe, for I'm holding my breath.  I am WAITING TO EXHALE.  I'm waiting for someone to open the box wide at the top and to pull me out.  (To tell me that it's NOT cancer!)

Yes, if the breast cancer has spread to my hip bone (a place that it likes to go to), then it'd be Stage IV cancer.  That means, it's incurable.  Yes, you read correctly.  There is not a cure for it.  It's treatable.  You can get more time, but it's with treatment.  And, we all know what treatment does--- it changes the quality of life quite dramatically at times.  Sigh.

And, Stage IV cancer worries cause me to go into panic mode regarding my husband and children.  I HOMESCHOOL them.  I WANT to homeschool them.  I do NOT want that to change.  My husband--- he has no family nearby--- not just "not in this state", but... well, they're overseas.  And, I don't have family close by that would help.  We are very isolated in that way.  My oldest son and his wife are living in Asia.  My grown daughter is in school in another state (two days away by car).  My dad passed away in May.  My Mom has Alzheimers and lives two hours away.  So, yeah, WHAT do we do if I am going to be in treatment--- my husband works two jobs!   And, I want him at my appointments.  But, who watches the kids during those?  My friends are spread out and they have busy lives. See where this is going...  MORE than the cancer scare, I'm worried about my kids! 

This feels like a nightmare, and I want to wake up. 

It seems like we can't catch a break.  We've been married for ten years this spring.  During that short time we've lost three parents between us in 2 1/2 years time, I've battled cancer, we've had three babies (all high-risk pregnancies), my oldest kids have moved away, we've endured an extremely stressful year (2013) regarding my parents' care/being nearby and needing me while facing their challenges, and intense stress from poor choices and behaviors of extended family members. 

It seems that we JUST FINALLY got out from under stress, and now THIS.  What's odd is that about a month ago, after the stressors subsided, I began juicing fruits and veggies twice per day as part of an effort to get myself back to a healthier state.  I was taking my life back, so to speak.

Please, Lord, let this be hip bursitis. It's painful, but I'll take living with pain over dying from cancer.  I have babies to raise!

I'd love for this to be nothing more than a "wake-up call" about what's important in life.  A lesson from the Lord to TRUST Him more.  The beginning of something special that He has in store for my life. 

Well, two more days... till we may know my diagnosis.