It's not a done deal!

I wonder how many of my family and friends were under the same impression that I was--- that once treatment ended, I'd be well and on my way to normal again.

Once treatment ended on Dec. 30th, I was on a mission to take my life back. For a couple of weeks I went full speed--- weeded out things at home, cleaned and took my life back.

Well, it didn't take long for my newfound energy (which had to have been adreneline) to fizzle out. It has been a HARD reality to accept the fact that I am IN RECOVERY MODE.

I am struggling to accept my limitations and that I must live my life differently for the time being. This makes me feel like I'm still a cancer patient. And, I guess I am one.

I'm learning that morning is when I have the most energy and will be able to concentrate the best. There are a few hours in which I can accomplish the most that I will for the entire day. I have to pick and choose what's going to be my most important priority at the start of each day.

This is a HARD restraint for someone who is task and goal oriented. I have an ongoing, never-ending "to do" list that I create. Being industrious makes me feel normal. I don't know how to just SIT and let time pass. Yet, I find myself dragging my feet behind me if I can't rest, rest, rest...

...and, with such busy young children, I can't "just rest" when my body is begging for that. So, I feel like I'm in a battle with myself at the moment. :) It's an adjustment period.

Many other breast cancer survivors have told me that it takes about a year to recover. My oncologist recently told me it can take up to 18 months.

If I can give myself permission to take life slowly, will the other people in my life understand this is necessary? Will they support me during a time of limitations? Will they lessen their expectations? I NEED them to be understanding.

It was very surprising to learn at my Jan. 24th oncology check-up that my white cell count was lower that day than it had been three months earlier (when I was only three months post chemo). I suppose radiation gave my immune system a beating.

What am I trying to say today with this blog entry? It's plain and simple. Treatment is over, but my recovery is not. I am asking family and friends to allow me to walk slowly through life for a while... and, I'm asking myself permission to do it.