Today is Monday, June 27th, 2011. My first chemo treatment was a year ago in June of 2010. It was a "sick" summer. While sick, I remember slowly walking out onto the deck for fresh air. I'd hoped it would ease the nausea from chemotherapy. I remember sitting there and crying inside "I don't want to die. I want to live to enjoy this beautiful back yard." This year, I'm looking at that back yard with a different perspective than I did before having cancer... I appreciate it much more.
I also remember being VERY weak and nauseated at the twins' 5th birthday party last year. Others had to host it and operate it for me. I sat and observed, giving instructions and snapping a few pictures here and there. It was hard to feel limited. After the party, little Stephen and I chatted about what we'd do for his sixth birthday. I told him Mommy won't be sick anymore when it's time for his next birthday. He told me he wanted a party in our back yard, including having a pinata and Pin the Tail on the donkey game. We talked about how we'd play the game at the wooden fence.
Well, today I bought the game. Today, we went outside as a family to start making a homemade pinata. The back yard party is scheduled for Sunday. I feel like we've come full circle in some ways. We've fast-forwarded to the next year.
I'm still not back to my old self, but I'm gaining. The Ghana trip put me back a bit. I'm still tired most of the time and I'm not sleeping well at night due to the effects of Tamoxifen. But, I'm here, by God's grace.
Sometimes I feel overcome with fear that the cancer wasn't completely eradicated or that it will come back. Or, that a new cancer will form. It causes me to feel I can't plan for the future. But, then I remember that "God is in control". None of us knows when our time on earth will come to an end. We all need to live each day well. Cherish our families. Seek God's plan for our lives.
I can hear the kids in the back yard. They're playing with the sprinkler. I want to "soak up the fun" and watch them for a while.
Monday, June 27, 2011
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