Finally, after nine months of battling breast cancer, I have finished the last step of my treatment today. It's finally OVER. At least, I hope so. I am cautiously celebrating the end of this nightmare, because there's a part of me that is so scared that it's going to return. I wish I could have confidence that this is over forever, and that I can feel free to just go on with life without another thought of cancer.
So, it's over. At least for now. No more running to the doctors every day for radiation. No more impending surgeries. No more chemotherapy. Now, there will only be doctor's appointments every three months. Oh, you can ONLY imagine (unless having gone through this) WHAT that means to me. I am so tired of putting on johnnies, being picked and prodded... oh, I am so TIRED of it all.
And, really, I'm just plain TIRED FROM it all. It's been LONG and it's been HARD.
People have told me over and over again how brave I am, how well I've done, how I've been an inspiration to them, that they can't believe how I've faced everything with courage--- that they don't think they could have done what I've done. I have to tell you, I have done what I've done out of pure necessity. There are three little faces that greet me every single day, and if it weren't for them, I could not have endured this battle. They needed their mom, and they still need me... and WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children?
I have fought for my children. And, I've fought hard. I wanted them to have the most NORMAL life they possibly could while I went to battle. They probably did MORE fun activities during the months I was in chemo than they've done during any other season of their lives. And, Christmas during radiation--- sometimes I felt I was taking it out of my own hyde to make sure they had their Christmas. So, tell me, WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children? It's ALWAYS about the kids--- once you become a mom--- it's not about you.
I could NOT have done this without my husband and my oldest daughter. My husband has been "the wind beneath my wings". I actually strongly dislike that saying, because that song has been played so much... Ha! But, this man has been AMAZING and I want the entire world to KNOW that. If anyone has ever underestimated the goodness in that mans heart, they have been WRONG. He has stood beside me and fought cancer almost as if it were him who were sick. He was at every appointment he could make. He comforted me when I felt I couldn't keep going. When I felt I was going to fall, he caught me. When I felt I was weak, I drew from his strength. He never ever ever made me feel that I was less beautiful when I lost my hair and my body became scarred. He is an ANGEL and no one should ever tell me otherwise. I pray God will bless him for standing by his wife during an extremely stressful time.
Kaylee gave up her job, a great part of her social life, her freedom to "come and go" as most people her age do, and so much more to take on a strong role of caregiver to the kids during the past nine months. She tackled it with dedication and responsibility, and so much love. The kids have strongly bonded with her during these past months and I have to say--- there's no one else I'd ever feel so comfortable leaving my kids with. Kaylee has greatly sacraficed this year--- and she is also an ANGEL. Now, Kaylee's planning to go back to Bible college to pick up her life where she left off--- just two more weeks and she'll be on her way--- back to HER life. Back to being a 21 year old with a social life, a plan and a future of her own. I pray that God blesses her for her sacrafices for our family this year.
Today, after treatment, I came home from radiation to a really sweet surprise party given by my husband and five children. The decorations were beautiful--- lime green and hot pink. So, springy and sunny.... perfect! And, a lovely cake decorated with hot pink roses and green leaves. My husband provided Chinese food. And, just when I thought they'd really overdone it--- BEAUTIFUL flowers arrived at the door. Stephen bought gorgeous hot pink roses and mini daisies--- in a pretty glass vase with a hotpink and white polkadot ribbon. SOOOOO nice!!
It's a bittersweet time for us--- the end of nine months of "hard stuff"--- it's finally over and we're rejoicing about that. But, in the same week, we've lost my dear father-in-law. I can't explain to you how it feels to have such a heaviness mixed with sprinkles of joy ... it's very odd.
It's ironic--- the very radiation treatment machines that overwhelmed and upset me so much during the first treatment seemed so "small" today. My feelings about the whole thing seemed to be so small compared to what my husband is going through over the loss of his dad. As I laid there today, I didn't feel happiness about the beams being the last ones. Instead, my mind was completely on my husband and his grief. I just wanted to get out of that room and see my husband. It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? Sometimes our trials seem so huge, but someone else --- somewhere in the world--- is having a bigger problem. So, we have to count our blessings.
For me, yes, it's over. At least for now, and I pray it's for the rest of my life. But, at this moment, I'm just grateful to be alive for THIS day. And, if God gives me tomorrow--- I'll walk cautiously, because life is short. Every day is a gift.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Very Sad Day
Here we are--- about to end a very diffult year---with the hope of a better 2011--- feeling anticipation for getting back a sense of "normal" and moving on--- and then we get a call notifying us of very sad news today.
My husband's father has passed away. It was unexpected. My husband had not seen his dad for 6 1/2 years. He had planned to travel home in 2010--- the plan was made in February---that he'd go to Ghana to see his family. Then, in March, I was diagnosed with cancer. My illness totally thwarted his hopes and plans to travel. I feel so sorry that my health condition kept my husband from seeing his Papa one more time. I don't even know "where" to put this grief, and I don't think I'll ever settle it in my heart--- even though I know I couldn't control the fact that I got sick.
Our three young children will never meet their Papa. Having felt that hole in my own heart of never having the opportunity to meet my dad's parents (they passed before I was born), I am so sad that my children will also never have a memory of being with Papa.
My heart is broken for my husband and his siblings. He has 12 sibling--- all spread apart on this globe. They'll be coming together one day soon to say good-bye to their dear daddy. It will be very difficult for me to not be able to be there beside my husband, supporting him through that very painful time in his life. Aside from a miracle, there's just no possible way we can buy five plane tickets.
My poor, dear husband! He's the nicest guy I know. He's had a HARD year taking care of me, and now this. I pray that God will hold him close, give him strength and bless him.
My husband's father has passed away. It was unexpected. My husband had not seen his dad for 6 1/2 years. He had planned to travel home in 2010--- the plan was made in February---that he'd go to Ghana to see his family. Then, in March, I was diagnosed with cancer. My illness totally thwarted his hopes and plans to travel. I feel so sorry that my health condition kept my husband from seeing his Papa one more time. I don't even know "where" to put this grief, and I don't think I'll ever settle it in my heart--- even though I know I couldn't control the fact that I got sick.
Our three young children will never meet their Papa. Having felt that hole in my own heart of never having the opportunity to meet my dad's parents (they passed before I was born), I am so sad that my children will also never have a memory of being with Papa.
My heart is broken for my husband and his siblings. He has 12 sibling--- all spread apart on this globe. They'll be coming together one day soon to say good-bye to their dear daddy. It will be very difficult for me to not be able to be there beside my husband, supporting him through that very painful time in his life. Aside from a miracle, there's just no possible way we can buy five plane tickets.
My poor, dear husband! He's the nicest guy I know. He's had a HARD year taking care of me, and now this. I pray that God will hold him close, give him strength and bless him.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
29 Down and 4 to Go!
Just some "scattered" thoughts during this busy Christmas week...
I went for the first of my final five "cone down" radiation treatments today. They're focussing the beams only on the tumor bed area now. I'll have a break for Christmas Eve and the holiday weekend and will finish up next week.
It's kind of a drag to have to go out for treatment during my children's school vacation week, but it'll be good to get this all over with and behind us.
As the end of this long year and my treatment for cancer comes to a close, and I look forward to getting back to "regular life", I'm pondering just what the normal life will be now. It's going to be a new normal. I know it will never be how it was before getting cancer. How do I go back to life as usual? What's going to be most important? How should I manage my health? I have a lot on my mind.
I've heard and read that when cancer patients are done with treatment, it can be a very insecure time for them. They had the assurance during treatment that something was continuously being done to fight the cancer. Someone was always looking out for them. When it comes to a conclusion, they feel like they're "on their own". It's a strange thing. It's great to be released from the surgeries, chemo, radiation treatments and continual dealings with cancer, cancer, cancer... yet, it's a time of adjustment.
I will be SO GLAD to not have to plan for "the next step" any longer. No impending chemo. No upcoming surgery. No more dashing out the door and disrupting the day for radiation treatments. Yet, it's definitely a weird place to be after nine very long months of care. It's not like having a baby and then you go back to normal life ... just with an extra person in the family. This is very different. What is NORMAL now?
While in the changing room after treatment today I heard something that brought tears to my eyes and caused me to pray to God and say "Oh no. NOT another one. Oh, God. Please be with this woman." What I heard was the receptionist in the radiation department giving a tour of the changing area-- "You can change in one of these rooms and put your things in one of these lockers. The bathrooms are here and there. When you're done changing, I'll show you where to wait." A slight, older voice replied and it just broke my heart. WHY does someone else have to go through this? Why is there ALWAYS "someone next" with cancer? We're like broken bodies going down an assembly line hoping to be fixed... one after another. It's painful to think about this.
One thing that always grips my heart over at the cancer treatment facility is when I see elderly folks who are there for treatment. I've been through so much at 41, but my body is still relatively young enough to take the beating. These dear old people who are already frail---it hurts to think about it. :-( Yet, I've found that some of those people have been the most endearing, friendly and upbeat ones that we've "bumped into" in the waiting rooms. They are strong on the inside, even if weak on the outside.
I said "good-bye" today to another set of new friends from the waiting room. They kept Stephen and I laughing during the past few weeks, and we really enjoyed talking with them. Off they go today, after treatment, to visit their children and grandchildren in Massachusetts for the Christmas week. They've talked about this and have looked forward to it since we met them just a while ago. What a nice way to celebrate the end of treatment! :-) God, bless them with safe travels and a refreshing time with family.
I would also like to somehow celebrate the end of treatment, the end of my cancer care (minus the Tamoxifen treatment for the next 4 1/2 years), very soon. It's kind of in "dream stage" right now, as I don't know what we can do. We're not financially able to take a vacation as a family. After all we've been through this year, we need to do SOMETHING. Thinking, thinking.
Little Kathryn is stirring in her crib. The twins are waiting for her to wake up, to put on snowpants, and to play in the snow with them for the VERY first time EVER. :-) How exciting! Perhaps just BEING here ---alive---to watch my children grow and play---is celebration enough at the end of this challenging year.
I went for the first of my final five "cone down" radiation treatments today. They're focussing the beams only on the tumor bed area now. I'll have a break for Christmas Eve and the holiday weekend and will finish up next week.
It's kind of a drag to have to go out for treatment during my children's school vacation week, but it'll be good to get this all over with and behind us.
As the end of this long year and my treatment for cancer comes to a close, and I look forward to getting back to "regular life", I'm pondering just what the normal life will be now. It's going to be a new normal. I know it will never be how it was before getting cancer. How do I go back to life as usual? What's going to be most important? How should I manage my health? I have a lot on my mind.
I've heard and read that when cancer patients are done with treatment, it can be a very insecure time for them. They had the assurance during treatment that something was continuously being done to fight the cancer. Someone was always looking out for them. When it comes to a conclusion, they feel like they're "on their own". It's a strange thing. It's great to be released from the surgeries, chemo, radiation treatments and continual dealings with cancer, cancer, cancer... yet, it's a time of adjustment.
I will be SO GLAD to not have to plan for "the next step" any longer. No impending chemo. No upcoming surgery. No more dashing out the door and disrupting the day for radiation treatments. Yet, it's definitely a weird place to be after nine very long months of care. It's not like having a baby and then you go back to normal life ... just with an extra person in the family. This is very different. What is NORMAL now?
While in the changing room after treatment today I heard something that brought tears to my eyes and caused me to pray to God and say "Oh no. NOT another one. Oh, God. Please be with this woman." What I heard was the receptionist in the radiation department giving a tour of the changing area-- "You can change in one of these rooms and put your things in one of these lockers. The bathrooms are here and there. When you're done changing, I'll show you where to wait." A slight, older voice replied and it just broke my heart. WHY does someone else have to go through this? Why is there ALWAYS "someone next" with cancer? We're like broken bodies going down an assembly line hoping to be fixed... one after another. It's painful to think about this.
One thing that always grips my heart over at the cancer treatment facility is when I see elderly folks who are there for treatment. I've been through so much at 41, but my body is still relatively young enough to take the beating. These dear old people who are already frail---it hurts to think about it. :-( Yet, I've found that some of those people have been the most endearing, friendly and upbeat ones that we've "bumped into" in the waiting rooms. They are strong on the inside, even if weak on the outside.
I said "good-bye" today to another set of new friends from the waiting room. They kept Stephen and I laughing during the past few weeks, and we really enjoyed talking with them. Off they go today, after treatment, to visit their children and grandchildren in Massachusetts for the Christmas week. They've talked about this and have looked forward to it since we met them just a while ago. What a nice way to celebrate the end of treatment! :-) God, bless them with safe travels and a refreshing time with family.
I would also like to somehow celebrate the end of treatment, the end of my cancer care (minus the Tamoxifen treatment for the next 4 1/2 years), very soon. It's kind of in "dream stage" right now, as I don't know what we can do. We're not financially able to take a vacation as a family. After all we've been through this year, we need to do SOMETHING. Thinking, thinking.
Little Kathryn is stirring in her crib. The twins are waiting for her to wake up, to put on snowpants, and to play in the snow with them for the VERY first time EVER. :-) How exciting! Perhaps just BEING here ---alive---to watch my children grow and play---is celebration enough at the end of this challenging year.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The end is in sight!
Went for treatment number 27 today--- just six more to go, thankfully. Today, I had a CAT scan so the radiation oncologist can plan the final five "concentrated" treatments. Tomorrow, I'll have the last "overall" (for lack of a better word) one. I'm glad, because the skin on my chest and collar bone area, as well as my underarm, is so burned and sore.
It was nice to get in and get out today... even with three things lined up (treatment, CAT scan and doctor's visit). It doesn't go that way very often, but today it was very timely. :-)
Things immediately improved after last week's embarrassing incident involving the man being in the control room during treatment. The next day, one of the technicians told me that they'd met with the doctor and made a plan for any further treatments when there'd be a man in the room. She explained it to me and it was agreeable. What a relief that was! :-)
I know it wouldn't bother every woman, and some have told me it wouldn't bother them. However, everyone I talked to seem to feel that I had a right to my privacy and needed to feel comfortable and without stress during treatment.
Today, we were blessed with some gifts. A local organization gave us a grocery card, a bit of financial aid, and reimbursed us for some mileage. That will be such a HUGE help, and we're grateful. It's 2.59 miles to the cancer treatment facility, and we're going round-trip 33 times for radiation. That's a total of about 171 miles!!
Someone also gave our children some adorable Beanie Babies with which they are so happy. The kids LOVE stuffed animals and play with them every single day. :0)
People are starting to comment on my short hairstyle. It's actually a style now---at 1 1/2 inches long. My hairdresser was a LIFESAVER last week. She nipped a bit here and there and showed me how to use styling paste to create a "look" to get by with. It means a lot when people compliment me about my hair, because I still see "cancer hair" when I look in the mirror. I'm starting to feel like a sense of dignity is coming back, because I can now go out and not look like a sick person. This whole hair thing has been incredibly painful.
Speaking of hair, Kaylee, Kanaho and I had quite a color party last Wednesday. :-) First, we dyed my hair --- something I said I'd never do (use a home color kit). It's now Macadamia (sp?) blonde. Ha! Kanaho was next with a reddish brown color, but her dark black hair didn't take much of the color. It looks like she has highlights. :-) Kaylee chose a light blonde shade. We had fun. :-) Gotta' make the best of the hair situation...
On Saturday, we enjoyed a nice visit from my sister-in-law, nephew's wife, and his daughter, Kanaho, Aloysius, Tyler and my parents. People came at different times. It was a full, busy day. We girls had a surprise birthday party, with the kids, for Kanaho. :-) My sister-in-law brought KFC and tacos. The kids ran wild, playing upstairs, downstairs, and everywhere in between. They had a great time, and even confessed after the fact that they'd all gone in my room and played with my wig. Hmmmm. :-)
We're all looking forward to Christmas. It's been a WONDERFUL distraction from the complete impact of radiation. I'm starting to get more and more tired, so Kaylee and I are trying to come up with ways to make holiday preparations and meals a bit more do-able. Next year, we'll go back to the usual. :-)
Stephen's working long and crazy hours at both jobs. We're also looking forward to a much more relaxed early January--- when his hours will be rediculously reduced (as they are every year at that time). I hope for a lot of down time --- to recover from treatment.
Speaking of R & R---that's what's needed now. :-)
It was nice to get in and get out today... even with three things lined up (treatment, CAT scan and doctor's visit). It doesn't go that way very often, but today it was very timely. :-)
Things immediately improved after last week's embarrassing incident involving the man being in the control room during treatment. The next day, one of the technicians told me that they'd met with the doctor and made a plan for any further treatments when there'd be a man in the room. She explained it to me and it was agreeable. What a relief that was! :-)
I know it wouldn't bother every woman, and some have told me it wouldn't bother them. However, everyone I talked to seem to feel that I had a right to my privacy and needed to feel comfortable and without stress during treatment.
Today, we were blessed with some gifts. A local organization gave us a grocery card, a bit of financial aid, and reimbursed us for some mileage. That will be such a HUGE help, and we're grateful. It's 2.59 miles to the cancer treatment facility, and we're going round-trip 33 times for radiation. That's a total of about 171 miles!!
Someone also gave our children some adorable Beanie Babies with which they are so happy. The kids LOVE stuffed animals and play with them every single day. :0)
People are starting to comment on my short hairstyle. It's actually a style now---at 1 1/2 inches long. My hairdresser was a LIFESAVER last week. She nipped a bit here and there and showed me how to use styling paste to create a "look" to get by with. It means a lot when people compliment me about my hair, because I still see "cancer hair" when I look in the mirror. I'm starting to feel like a sense of dignity is coming back, because I can now go out and not look like a sick person. This whole hair thing has been incredibly painful.
Speaking of hair, Kaylee, Kanaho and I had quite a color party last Wednesday. :-) First, we dyed my hair --- something I said I'd never do (use a home color kit). It's now Macadamia (sp?) blonde. Ha! Kanaho was next with a reddish brown color, but her dark black hair didn't take much of the color. It looks like she has highlights. :-) Kaylee chose a light blonde shade. We had fun. :-) Gotta' make the best of the hair situation...
On Saturday, we enjoyed a nice visit from my sister-in-law, nephew's wife, and his daughter, Kanaho, Aloysius, Tyler and my parents. People came at different times. It was a full, busy day. We girls had a surprise birthday party, with the kids, for Kanaho. :-) My sister-in-law brought KFC and tacos. The kids ran wild, playing upstairs, downstairs, and everywhere in between. They had a great time, and even confessed after the fact that they'd all gone in my room and played with my wig. Hmmmm. :-)
We're all looking forward to Christmas. It's been a WONDERFUL distraction from the complete impact of radiation. I'm starting to get more and more tired, so Kaylee and I are trying to come up with ways to make holiday preparations and meals a bit more do-able. Next year, we'll go back to the usual. :-)
Stephen's working long and crazy hours at both jobs. We're also looking forward to a much more relaxed early January--- when his hours will be rediculously reduced (as they are every year at that time). I hope for a lot of down time --- to recover from treatment.
Speaking of R & R---that's what's needed now. :-)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Radiation Humiliation
Today I received my 22nd radiation treatment. My skin is now burning and is starting to hurt. The nurse gave me a bag full of sample creams to try. The radiation oncologist said that my next six treatments will also target the entire breast and collarbone area--- and the burning and pain will peak after the sixth one. After that, the final five treatments will target just the area where my cancer was and it won't be as bad.
I'm so GLAD to be on the downhill slide because I'm getting very TIRED. The fatigue seems to be cumulative. And, I can't sleep well ---- can't sleep through the night. The "hot flashes" caused by the Tamoxifen wake me up off and on all night long. And, once I'm awake, I have to use the bathroom, because I'm drinking more fluids to ward off dehydration during radiation.
I'm trying to remember "this is a season".
I had a VERY humiliating experience today. After my treatment, the technicians entered the room and both lectured me about pulling my arms down and putting my johnny back over my chest before they officially tell me that I can cover up. They said that sometimes the dose I've received isn't enough and they may have to give more treatment.
I explained to them that I usually know when they're done as I know they treat from three angles and I hear the machine turn off when my third one is overwith. But, I assured them that I won't pull my arms down and cover up until they tell me to.
I also explained to them that it's humiliating to lay there with my arms up and my breasts exposed and that I am comfortable with covering back up as soon as possible. I told them about the time that there was a male in the control room during my treatment and I didn't know it until afterward. Much to my surprise, they replied with "Well, there's a guy in there today. He's an engineer who's working on the imager." :-( I was very upset that no one had told me that he'd be in there.
That little control room is where the techs go to administer the treatment while the patient lies in the other room ---exposed. There's a computer monitor so that they can clearly watch the patient during treatment.
Given the nature of human males... no one can tell me that a guy isn't going to take a peek if there's something like that on the screen... even if he doesn't want to stare, he's going to notice something like that (a half clothed female).
I was SO HUMILIATED that I couldn't hold back the tears as I left the treatment room and was met by the nurse who would escort me to my weekly doctor's appointment. She mentioned the situation to the radiation oncologist, and he assured me that he felt I should have been notified of the man's presence. He said he would address the matter.
I had told the tech's at the very first appointment that I was requesting that no males attend my treatments. They'd told me that the male techs would argue that all of the doctors are males, so it's discrimination to make that request. But, they said they'd note my chart. Well, given that they KNEW how I felt about this--- they should have known that I'd not be comfortable with a male engineer being in the control room and being able to view my private business. :-(
There is so LITTLE dignity that a cancer patient has--- and as a friend has put it, we have a right to protect what little dignity we do have left.
I'm hoping it won't be awkward to "face" those technicians tomorrow, and for the 10 treatments that will follow. But, it's MY RIGHT to not expose myself to a repair man. He can take a coffee break during my appointments, and that's exactly what I'll tell them if a man is in there again.
I realize that this would not bother some women. We're all different. But, it bothers me.
My husband couldn't be there today due to his job schedule. I really missed him! This had happened one other time (but I'd "let it go") and he was there to give me a reassuring hug. He knew how embarrassing it had been.
After that, the day just kind of went downhill... little things upset me. The Walmart cashier wasn't very nice. My coupon for hair color (I'm going to try it!) wouldn't scan and she insisted she couldn't do anything about it. The grapes we spent $4.00 on turned out to be moldy. I was stressed about spending money... finances are so tight, as they are for most people these days. And, the shopping took two hours partly because my doll baby girl insisted on walking through the store. Mama's very tired.
But, to look at the bright side--- we have groceries, our pastor's wife was at the store and gave such a warm, encouraging greeting, the treatment appointment and doctor's visit were very timely this time, I lost two pounds, my kids are healthy, my husband has work, Christmas is coming and we're all excited---- and there is just so much to be thankful for. Today's little hassles are so minute compared to what some in this world are dealing with.
And, this brings to mind my dear aunt, cousins and their families as they mourn the loss of my uncle who passed away unexpectedly on Sunday night. What a sad and tragic loss. He died of a bladder infection that had spread to his bloodstream. I'm so sorry. He was caregiver to my aunt. If anyone's reading this, please pray for my Aunt Ann and the rest of her family.
My three youngest children are running through the house like wildfire--- so I'm "out". :-)
I'm so GLAD to be on the downhill slide because I'm getting very TIRED. The fatigue seems to be cumulative. And, I can't sleep well ---- can't sleep through the night. The "hot flashes" caused by the Tamoxifen wake me up off and on all night long. And, once I'm awake, I have to use the bathroom, because I'm drinking more fluids to ward off dehydration during radiation.
I'm trying to remember "this is a season".
I had a VERY humiliating experience today. After my treatment, the technicians entered the room and both lectured me about pulling my arms down and putting my johnny back over my chest before they officially tell me that I can cover up. They said that sometimes the dose I've received isn't enough and they may have to give more treatment.
I explained to them that I usually know when they're done as I know they treat from three angles and I hear the machine turn off when my third one is overwith. But, I assured them that I won't pull my arms down and cover up until they tell me to.
I also explained to them that it's humiliating to lay there with my arms up and my breasts exposed and that I am comfortable with covering back up as soon as possible. I told them about the time that there was a male in the control room during my treatment and I didn't know it until afterward. Much to my surprise, they replied with "Well, there's a guy in there today. He's an engineer who's working on the imager." :-( I was very upset that no one had told me that he'd be in there.
That little control room is where the techs go to administer the treatment while the patient lies in the other room ---exposed. There's a computer monitor so that they can clearly watch the patient during treatment.
Given the nature of human males... no one can tell me that a guy isn't going to take a peek if there's something like that on the screen... even if he doesn't want to stare, he's going to notice something like that (a half clothed female).
I was SO HUMILIATED that I couldn't hold back the tears as I left the treatment room and was met by the nurse who would escort me to my weekly doctor's appointment. She mentioned the situation to the radiation oncologist, and he assured me that he felt I should have been notified of the man's presence. He said he would address the matter.
I had told the tech's at the very first appointment that I was requesting that no males attend my treatments. They'd told me that the male techs would argue that all of the doctors are males, so it's discrimination to make that request. But, they said they'd note my chart. Well, given that they KNEW how I felt about this--- they should have known that I'd not be comfortable with a male engineer being in the control room and being able to view my private business. :-(
There is so LITTLE dignity that a cancer patient has--- and as a friend has put it, we have a right to protect what little dignity we do have left.
I'm hoping it won't be awkward to "face" those technicians tomorrow, and for the 10 treatments that will follow. But, it's MY RIGHT to not expose myself to a repair man. He can take a coffee break during my appointments, and that's exactly what I'll tell them if a man is in there again.
I realize that this would not bother some women. We're all different. But, it bothers me.
My husband couldn't be there today due to his job schedule. I really missed him! This had happened one other time (but I'd "let it go") and he was there to give me a reassuring hug. He knew how embarrassing it had been.
After that, the day just kind of went downhill... little things upset me. The Walmart cashier wasn't very nice. My coupon for hair color (I'm going to try it!) wouldn't scan and she insisted she couldn't do anything about it. The grapes we spent $4.00 on turned out to be moldy. I was stressed about spending money... finances are so tight, as they are for most people these days. And, the shopping took two hours partly because my doll baby girl insisted on walking through the store. Mama's very tired.
But, to look at the bright side--- we have groceries, our pastor's wife was at the store and gave such a warm, encouraging greeting, the treatment appointment and doctor's visit were very timely this time, I lost two pounds, my kids are healthy, my husband has work, Christmas is coming and we're all excited---- and there is just so much to be thankful for. Today's little hassles are so minute compared to what some in this world are dealing with.
And, this brings to mind my dear aunt, cousins and their families as they mourn the loss of my uncle who passed away unexpectedly on Sunday night. What a sad and tragic loss. He died of a bladder infection that had spread to his bloodstream. I'm so sorry. He was caregiver to my aunt. If anyone's reading this, please pray for my Aunt Ann and the rest of her family.
My three youngest children are running through the house like wildfire--- so I'm "out". :-)
Thursday, December 2, 2010
14 Down and 19 to go!
Seven of eight appointments are overwith for the week--- just one to go tomorrow.
Today, I went to the eye doctor's office in the afternoon. As I sat in the exam chair, waiting for the doctor, I thought about how GOOD it was to be at an appointment that was NOT cancer related. The thought gave me a sense of normalcy. I didn't even mind the "air puff" test that I've always dreaded in the past. It didn't seem like much after all I've been through this past year.
Then, the doctor informed me that one of the pathways breast cancer can take when it spreads is the back of the eye. He wants me to come in within the next month to have my eyes dialated so he can examine my retinas. So much for my sense of normalcy at the eye doc's! I guess it's one more step to take in my cancer journey.
What a treat it was today to get in and out of treatment within a half hour. Usually, we wait at least a half hour as they always seem to be behind schedule. Stephen and I sneaked to Burger King afterward for a cheap lunch before coming home to rest for a bit in between appointments. :-) A lil' date.
Stephen and I met another person with terminal cancer again yesterday. Man, it's SO SAD--- we've now met two men who are in treatment just to get some "quality time". It breaks my heart. Both men have loving wives who are right by their sides. I'm so IMPRESSED by how faithfully supportive spouses are --- most folks come in "two's"--- the patient and a loved one, usually a spouse.
Our first couple of weeks at radiation were not too bad--- there were some "kind of family" members there who were just so outgoing and funny that they made the place seem light and comfortable. The husband has finished with treatment now, so we've been meeting new people along the way. Most of the time, the waiting room is very QUIET---people are somber. They're tired. Tired of cancer. Tired from commuting daily for treatment. Tired from radiation itself. Tired from caregiving. Tired of being a patient with life changing limitations. Sometimes I just start talking to someone and it doesn't seem to take long for smiles to come out and it's almost like a relief when the tension in the air is broken with a bit of friendly chatter. We're all looking for a sense of normalcy and enjoyment admist a difficult time in our lives. Surface talk is NORMAL and comfortable.
Yesterday, there was a Christmas party for the women from the local breast cancer support group. Sara, my niece, also attended. It was really nice to have that time with her, and it was a fun event. :-) It was inspiring to hear some of the older women say how long they've been survivors. One lady is a 38 year survivor!
We met an eight year survivor who was friendly toward us. I asked her about what it's like "down the road"... how long it takes to not think of cancer all of the time. She said that it takes a while. She took a job at the local breast cancer support organization for a few years after she'd completed treatment--- so she didn't get away from breast cancer right away. Personally, I think that I will NEED to get away from it for some time.
I am really looking forward to focussing on my children. I have hopes for this winter--- taking Kathryn to library story time, play gym, and hopefully making friends with some other mom's of two year olds so she can socialize more. I am anxious to have some "mommy and me" time with her. She's starting to talk so much and LOVES to learn. I want to teach her.
I'm also looking forward to quiet evenings with the twins when Stephen's working. Reading. Talking. Just enjoying hearing what they have to say. I want to be MOM --- not cancer patient mom who's always tired. I'd LOVE to get some children's snow shoes and a pair for myself (WHY did I sell mine a few years ago) and take the boys out snow shoeing. I'd also love to fulfill little Stephen's wish of going ice skating. We'd need skates (dummy me--- sold my skates, too! At least I've kept my XC skis! Ha!) So, if I can find a way to buy these things--- watch out winter, here we come!
And, maybe, FINALLY, I can take care of my husband and he can be done with being my "cancer caregiver". I used to try and surprise him by cooking his Ghanaian foods, make omlets for his breakfast, etc. more regularly. He's helped me so much this past year that I wonder if he'll be able to remember HOW to relax. He's been so good to me.
And... grandbaby Aloysius!! :0)
Speaking of the baby, he'll be coming tomorrow morning for a few hours. With that in mind, Grandma's going to get to bed and rest up. :-) Can't wait to see him!
Today, I went to the eye doctor's office in the afternoon. As I sat in the exam chair, waiting for the doctor, I thought about how GOOD it was to be at an appointment that was NOT cancer related. The thought gave me a sense of normalcy. I didn't even mind the "air puff" test that I've always dreaded in the past. It didn't seem like much after all I've been through this past year.
Then, the doctor informed me that one of the pathways breast cancer can take when it spreads is the back of the eye. He wants me to come in within the next month to have my eyes dialated so he can examine my retinas. So much for my sense of normalcy at the eye doc's! I guess it's one more step to take in my cancer journey.
What a treat it was today to get in and out of treatment within a half hour. Usually, we wait at least a half hour as they always seem to be behind schedule. Stephen and I sneaked to Burger King afterward for a cheap lunch before coming home to rest for a bit in between appointments. :-) A lil' date.
Stephen and I met another person with terminal cancer again yesterday. Man, it's SO SAD--- we've now met two men who are in treatment just to get some "quality time". It breaks my heart. Both men have loving wives who are right by their sides. I'm so IMPRESSED by how faithfully supportive spouses are --- most folks come in "two's"--- the patient and a loved one, usually a spouse.
Our first couple of weeks at radiation were not too bad--- there were some "kind of family" members there who were just so outgoing and funny that they made the place seem light and comfortable. The husband has finished with treatment now, so we've been meeting new people along the way. Most of the time, the waiting room is very QUIET---people are somber. They're tired. Tired of cancer. Tired from commuting daily for treatment. Tired from radiation itself. Tired from caregiving. Tired of being a patient with life changing limitations. Sometimes I just start talking to someone and it doesn't seem to take long for smiles to come out and it's almost like a relief when the tension in the air is broken with a bit of friendly chatter. We're all looking for a sense of normalcy and enjoyment admist a difficult time in our lives. Surface talk is NORMAL and comfortable.
Yesterday, there was a Christmas party for the women from the local breast cancer support group. Sara, my niece, also attended. It was really nice to have that time with her, and it was a fun event. :-) It was inspiring to hear some of the older women say how long they've been survivors. One lady is a 38 year survivor!
We met an eight year survivor who was friendly toward us. I asked her about what it's like "down the road"... how long it takes to not think of cancer all of the time. She said that it takes a while. She took a job at the local breast cancer support organization for a few years after she'd completed treatment--- so she didn't get away from breast cancer right away. Personally, I think that I will NEED to get away from it for some time.
I am really looking forward to focussing on my children. I have hopes for this winter--- taking Kathryn to library story time, play gym, and hopefully making friends with some other mom's of two year olds so she can socialize more. I am anxious to have some "mommy and me" time with her. She's starting to talk so much and LOVES to learn. I want to teach her.
I'm also looking forward to quiet evenings with the twins when Stephen's working. Reading. Talking. Just enjoying hearing what they have to say. I want to be MOM --- not cancer patient mom who's always tired. I'd LOVE to get some children's snow shoes and a pair for myself (WHY did I sell mine a few years ago) and take the boys out snow shoeing. I'd also love to fulfill little Stephen's wish of going ice skating. We'd need skates (dummy me--- sold my skates, too! At least I've kept my XC skis! Ha!) So, if I can find a way to buy these things--- watch out winter, here we come!
And, maybe, FINALLY, I can take care of my husband and he can be done with being my "cancer caregiver". I used to try and surprise him by cooking his Ghanaian foods, make omlets for his breakfast, etc. more regularly. He's helped me so much this past year that I wonder if he'll be able to remember HOW to relax. He's been so good to me.
And... grandbaby Aloysius!! :0)
Speaking of the baby, he'll be coming tomorrow morning for a few hours. With that in mind, Grandma's going to get to bed and rest up. :-) Can't wait to see him!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Twelve down and 21 to go! :-)
This week is "Appointment Week"! I have EIGHT appointments, but there's a nice Christmas party tucked into the middle of the schedule which will make it all okay. :-)
Today, Stephen and I met with the surgeon. He gave us some very reassuring and encouraging words. I felt a HUGE sense of relief when he told me that he'll be doing breast exams every 3-4 months for the next few years. Knowing that took a weight off of our shoulders. I could see the relief on Stephen's face as well.
As WONDERFUL as it is for treatment to come to an end, it's also a scary time for a cancer patient. You wonder "Who's going to check on me? What if cancer comes back and I don't detect it early enough?" I am SO thankful for this doctor. He is kind and understanding, and he takes his work seriously. He shows that he values the lives of his patients. I'm also grateful that my niece is under his care.
The doctor told us that as time goes on we'll be able to go about life again without thinking so much about cancer. He said that the day will come when it's not the first thing on our minds. I'm so looking forward to that day.
I sometimes anguish when making reference to the future, because I'm afraid to set myself up --- to look forward to something when fearing cancer will return and take my life. For example, if talking with Kaylee about "When the family grows, we'll do this or that for Christmas ..." Just after feeling happy about the idea, I'll feel a sense of sadness at the idea of maybe NOT being here for that experience. I really need deliverance from this burdened way of thinking, but I believe it will come with time and prayer.
We went for radiation treatment number twelve today. :-) And, this makes me think about something kind of funny. I'm one of those people who LOVES the little things so much that I find as much joy in those as I do something really big. Twelve has been my favorite number since I was about eight years old. Well, every time I go for a treatment and locker #12 is available in the changing area, I get so excited! :-)
The treatment was a bit long, because the technician (?) took weekly images, too. Man, it's hard to lay there for so long---without being able to move. There was an itch on my forehead that I couldn't scratch today. lol Torture! ;-)
I'd made a request at my very first treatment that I NOT have a male technician. (I have to lay there with my chest uncovered.) They told me that the male techs may balk at that and say it's discrimination since the doctors are males, but they said they'd note it in my chart. Well, today, a "new to me" technician set me up and handled the treatment and THAT was uncomfortable enough (having to show my body to yet another stranger), but I felt really "crushed" when leaving the treatment room and seeing that a male had run the computers in the control room. :-( The patient receiving treatment is viewed on a monitor in there during the entire treatment. I was really disheartened to learn that he'd seen me laying on the table. :-( My husband is very sweet---when I told him how that had made me feel he put his arm around me. That meant a lot to me.
The treatments are starting to "burn" my skin (as to be expected) and I'm REALLY feeling fatigued. I tire very easily and feel the need to cut back in any way I can. Stephen and I came home today and fell asleep to a boring movie on TV. :-) He's quite wiped out from working whacky holiday hours and he has a cold.
Well, speaking of fatigue, I'm ready to crash and rest.
Today, Stephen and I met with the surgeon. He gave us some very reassuring and encouraging words. I felt a HUGE sense of relief when he told me that he'll be doing breast exams every 3-4 months for the next few years. Knowing that took a weight off of our shoulders. I could see the relief on Stephen's face as well.
As WONDERFUL as it is for treatment to come to an end, it's also a scary time for a cancer patient. You wonder "Who's going to check on me? What if cancer comes back and I don't detect it early enough?" I am SO thankful for this doctor. He is kind and understanding, and he takes his work seriously. He shows that he values the lives of his patients. I'm also grateful that my niece is under his care.
The doctor told us that as time goes on we'll be able to go about life again without thinking so much about cancer. He said that the day will come when it's not the first thing on our minds. I'm so looking forward to that day.
I sometimes anguish when making reference to the future, because I'm afraid to set myself up --- to look forward to something when fearing cancer will return and take my life. For example, if talking with Kaylee about "When the family grows, we'll do this or that for Christmas ..." Just after feeling happy about the idea, I'll feel a sense of sadness at the idea of maybe NOT being here for that experience. I really need deliverance from this burdened way of thinking, but I believe it will come with time and prayer.
We went for radiation treatment number twelve today. :-) And, this makes me think about something kind of funny. I'm one of those people who LOVES the little things so much that I find as much joy in those as I do something really big. Twelve has been my favorite number since I was about eight years old. Well, every time I go for a treatment and locker #12 is available in the changing area, I get so excited! :-)
The treatment was a bit long, because the technician (?) took weekly images, too. Man, it's hard to lay there for so long---without being able to move. There was an itch on my forehead that I couldn't scratch today. lol Torture! ;-)
I'd made a request at my very first treatment that I NOT have a male technician. (I have to lay there with my chest uncovered.) They told me that the male techs may balk at that and say it's discrimination since the doctors are males, but they said they'd note it in my chart. Well, today, a "new to me" technician set me up and handled the treatment and THAT was uncomfortable enough (having to show my body to yet another stranger), but I felt really "crushed" when leaving the treatment room and seeing that a male had run the computers in the control room. :-( The patient receiving treatment is viewed on a monitor in there during the entire treatment. I was really disheartened to learn that he'd seen me laying on the table. :-( My husband is very sweet---when I told him how that had made me feel he put his arm around me. That meant a lot to me.
The treatments are starting to "burn" my skin (as to be expected) and I'm REALLY feeling fatigued. I tire very easily and feel the need to cut back in any way I can. Stephen and I came home today and fell asleep to a boring movie on TV. :-) He's quite wiped out from working whacky holiday hours and he has a cold.
Well, speaking of fatigue, I'm ready to crash and rest.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Seven down and 26 to go!
I've now received seven radiation treatments and have 26 to go. The final one is scheduled for December 30th. I'm looking forward to welcoming 2011 with chemo and radiation behind me!
We continue to meet nice people at the radiation appointments. It's really hard to describe, but there's a real sense of "connection" between the patients. We all have this awful, disruptive (to life) disease called cancer. Ya' kind of feel like you've fallen off the beaten path and you're laying wounded in the ditch while life goes on for everyone else around you. Yet, there are others in the ditch--- others fighting cancer so they can climb back on the path and continue with their lives, too. We're struggling together, and sometimes even laughing together as we strive to beat this challenge.
Sadly, there are some you meet who will never climb back out of that ditch. I've met one. He's a very nice man who is always smiling at us since we met him last Monday when he was so nervous about having his first treatment. He must be in his 60's, and he and his wife are friendly people. Nearly a week ago, I was encouraging him about radiation--- what to expect, that it will be over before he knows it, etc. By the end of the week, I learned that he is dying. Just three weeks ago he was living a healthy life, or so he thought, and then he suddenly learned that he has a brain tumor and cancer on his lung and liver. They're now just trying to buy him some "quality time" by aiming to shrink his brain tumor. When his wife told me this yesterday, I just wanted to CRY. Cancer is so cruel! This man looks well! Yet, he's dying. I told his wife that they will be at the top of my prayer list. Please, if anyone still reads this blog, I would ask you to pray for them as well. I don't even know their first names--- but God knows.
It's unlikely I'll see this couple again, as my treatment time is changing as of Monday. I'll be going at 12:30 rather than at 2:30. I'll be meeting new people each day, until the following week when the time changes again. More people with cancer. More people hoping to live. More people who will die. It's very HARD to be in this "cancer club". While other folks seem to be going about their busy routines and thinking about "what next", some of us are thinking "Will we be here in a year? Do we dare to make plans for the future?"
Just yesterday when I was putting on my moisture and eye creams (which I've done since the age of 28, hoping to ward off wrinkles... Ha!), I thought "WHY am I bothering? I don't even know if I'm going to beat cancer." I shared this with my husband later in the morning and started crying. He hugged me and told me I'll be okay. This is an example of what the emotional aspect of having cancer is like.
Today, I met my husband at his work because I was there to do some shopping. I spotted some breast cancer awareness slippers and mentioned them to him. He said he'd also been looking at them and wanted to surprise me with a pair, but he didn't know if I want the reminder of my cancer. I told him that for now, it's okay---- if the purchase would benefit the cause, I'd like to have a pair. (Mine had holes in the soles!) The pair I picked out was the same design he'd wanted to buy for me. :-) Pretty, and PINK, of course! :-)
Yesterday, I also told my husband that I cannot remember life before cancer. I can't remember what it feels like to wake up in the morning and go about the day without thinking about my health or fearing this disease. I wish I could remember. And, I hope that the day comes when I can forget for a while--- even for a day. :-)
All of what I'm sharing is from my HUMAN feelings and perspective. Ultimately, I know God is always in control. Every once in a while I need a kick in the pants to bring that back to the forefront of my mind. :-) Like tonight--- home alone with the kids for the first time in a long time---and not feeling 100% well. I've had to pray my way through the evening routine, as it's been exhausting. :-) God is our source of strength, yet we so easily forget to rely on Him sometimes.
Prayer requests:
1. My seemingly unrelenting leg pain--- for healing. We're not sure what's causing it. Three doctor's have examined me.
2. The couple from radiation--- the husband is terminally ill
3. Kaylee as she prepares to go back to Bible school in Jan. (finances, adjustments for all of us, safe travels)
4. My niece Sara who is going to have breast surgery in early December and then go back into chemotherapy for eight weeks.
We continue to meet nice people at the radiation appointments. It's really hard to describe, but there's a real sense of "connection" between the patients. We all have this awful, disruptive (to life) disease called cancer. Ya' kind of feel like you've fallen off the beaten path and you're laying wounded in the ditch while life goes on for everyone else around you. Yet, there are others in the ditch--- others fighting cancer so they can climb back on the path and continue with their lives, too. We're struggling together, and sometimes even laughing together as we strive to beat this challenge.
Sadly, there are some you meet who will never climb back out of that ditch. I've met one. He's a very nice man who is always smiling at us since we met him last Monday when he was so nervous about having his first treatment. He must be in his 60's, and he and his wife are friendly people. Nearly a week ago, I was encouraging him about radiation--- what to expect, that it will be over before he knows it, etc. By the end of the week, I learned that he is dying. Just three weeks ago he was living a healthy life, or so he thought, and then he suddenly learned that he has a brain tumor and cancer on his lung and liver. They're now just trying to buy him some "quality time" by aiming to shrink his brain tumor. When his wife told me this yesterday, I just wanted to CRY. Cancer is so cruel! This man looks well! Yet, he's dying. I told his wife that they will be at the top of my prayer list. Please, if anyone still reads this blog, I would ask you to pray for them as well. I don't even know their first names--- but God knows.
It's unlikely I'll see this couple again, as my treatment time is changing as of Monday. I'll be going at 12:30 rather than at 2:30. I'll be meeting new people each day, until the following week when the time changes again. More people with cancer. More people hoping to live. More people who will die. It's very HARD to be in this "cancer club". While other folks seem to be going about their busy routines and thinking about "what next", some of us are thinking "Will we be here in a year? Do we dare to make plans for the future?"
Just yesterday when I was putting on my moisture and eye creams (which I've done since the age of 28, hoping to ward off wrinkles... Ha!), I thought "WHY am I bothering? I don't even know if I'm going to beat cancer." I shared this with my husband later in the morning and started crying. He hugged me and told me I'll be okay. This is an example of what the emotional aspect of having cancer is like.
Today, I met my husband at his work because I was there to do some shopping. I spotted some breast cancer awareness slippers and mentioned them to him. He said he'd also been looking at them and wanted to surprise me with a pair, but he didn't know if I want the reminder of my cancer. I told him that for now, it's okay---- if the purchase would benefit the cause, I'd like to have a pair. (Mine had holes in the soles!) The pair I picked out was the same design he'd wanted to buy for me. :-) Pretty, and PINK, of course! :-)
Yesterday, I also told my husband that I cannot remember life before cancer. I can't remember what it feels like to wake up in the morning and go about the day without thinking about my health or fearing this disease. I wish I could remember. And, I hope that the day comes when I can forget for a while--- even for a day. :-)
All of what I'm sharing is from my HUMAN feelings and perspective. Ultimately, I know God is always in control. Every once in a while I need a kick in the pants to bring that back to the forefront of my mind. :-) Like tonight--- home alone with the kids for the first time in a long time---and not feeling 100% well. I've had to pray my way through the evening routine, as it's been exhausting. :-) God is our source of strength, yet we so easily forget to rely on Him sometimes.
Prayer requests:
1. My seemingly unrelenting leg pain--- for healing. We're not sure what's causing it. Three doctor's have examined me.
2. The couple from radiation--- the husband is terminally ill
3. Kaylee as she prepares to go back to Bible school in Jan. (finances, adjustments for all of us, safe travels)
4. My niece Sara who is going to have breast surgery in early December and then go back into chemotherapy for eight weeks.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Radiation Treatements 1 and 2
I had my second radiation treatment today. This radiation business is truly a different experience from chemotherapy.
It's been a very emotional thing, and I have been surprised by that. Both days that I've gone for treatment, I've found myself in tears on the way to the cancer care facility. I wasn't prepared for this type of reaction. I had thought all along that radiation would be much easier than chemo.
The first day that I went for radiation had been a bad one from the get-go. Little things kept going wrong, making a day that was to be a rather restful, casual one a stressful time instead. I realize now that I would have tolerated those frustrations much better had I not been subconsciously so worried about starting more treatment.
By the end of the day I was so wiped out that I couldn't watch my grandbaby while his parents worked. Thankfully, Kaylee was willing and able to take care of him, and Stephen helped with our three children so I could get some rest. I'm finding that I'm not up to babysitting him as much nowadays and it's been very hard to break that news to my daughter-in-law. I feel badly about this, but the truth of the matter is that it's just too much right now while in treatment and while still recovering from chemo. I'm really recognizing my limits now.
When Stephen and I arrived at the facility for my first treatment, we were told that I'd be using machine number one and that we should go to waiting room number one after I changed my clothes. We went to the changing room where I nervously changed. I didn't know what to expect and was quite anxious. My husband has been wonderful through this whole thing, by the way. He doesn't even blink an eye about jumping into the car and going with me to every appointment that he possibly can. He stays by my side--- even helps me in the changing room. Having him there offers so much comfort and support.
I've noticed that other people who are there for radiation come with someone--- usually a spouse. Today, I was really touched and saddened at the same time to see a very elderly couple trying to manage following the husband's treatment. The wife was hunched over and slowly moving as she aimed to provide support and care to her husband. She went to his locker and wanted to get his clothes for him. He, looking over her shoulder, offered to help with the key if she had trouble with it. I was so sorry to see folks at that stage of life having to face such a tough challenge such as cancer. They should be relaxing, resting and enjoying their time together---- not fighting this awful battle. :-(
I cannot stress enough how IMPORTANT it is to a cancer patient to have the steady, loving support of someone close to them.
Back to the first treatment--- my husband always sat beside me during chemo, but for radiation, we have to part ways at the waiting room. For obvious reason (radiation!) he cannot be in the treatment room with me. So, going by myself to this "new adventure" was a bit unnerving. The workers were behind schedule by about an hour as there had been a malfunction with the equipment. So, my technicians were moving pretty quickly with things and I felt "in the dark" to a degree with what was taking place.
The first treatment is longer than the rest of them, because angles for the treatment need to be set up, the doctor has to check the angles the technicians establish, images are taken, etc. THEN, the actual treatment. I was confused as to what was going on at different points during the half hour or so that I was laying on that hard table and feeling chilled. I was greatly intimidated by the equipment.
I have to admit, I felt ANGRY to have to be there. I was scared and uncomfortable. I was upset to have to go through another type of treatment (it's been a LONG year), and I hated that I had to expose my body to radiation. When the treatment machine rotated over my upper body I wanted to tell it how much I hated it. :-)
But, I survived that first treatment, and I also managed to get through today's second one.
Something that Stephen and I have very quickly come to look forward to at the treatments is that we are enjoying chatting with some other people in our waiting area. (People tend to go at the same time every day for each of their treatments, so you get to see each other again and again.) We have met some really nice people. Coincidently, one couple is ALMOST related to me. :-) My husband discovered that while chatting with them during my first appointment. The patient's wife is my uncle's neice. They share the same faith as us, and they are two of the NICEST, FUNNIEST people we've ever met. We absolutely MUST keep in touch with them.
Another set of people we've already come to enjoy meeting up with is a woman (probably 50's) and her mom. The dear elderly mom bought a one way ticket from another state to come and be with her daugther during treatment. They live a good distance from the facility and spend the week days in our area. I gather that this is the second time around with cancer for her, and I'm sorry she has to experience this AGAIN. I can tell that she's struggling with what she's going through and my heart hurts for her. She's giving up going home (out of state) for the winter, because this horrible disease and the need for treatment are making it not possible. :-( I hate cancer!
Somehow, we cancer patients get through this thing together--- because we're bonded by this awful disease. As a friend who's also had cancer once told me- "It's an awful club to join, but you make some great friends through it." It's true. Cancer is isolating in that as much as others care and try to understand, it DOES separate one from the rest of society in ways, and only other cancer patients and their close caregivers can REALLY understand what it's like. So, there's something really special about giving and receiving support within the group of cancer patients and survivors. We need each other!
Well, two radiation treatments down and thirty-one to go!
If anyone still reads my ramblings, please continue to keep my niece in prayer as she also battles breast cancer. And, an update on the couple I'd asked prayer for--- they're doing very well! :-) Thank you for praying!
It's been a very emotional thing, and I have been surprised by that. Both days that I've gone for treatment, I've found myself in tears on the way to the cancer care facility. I wasn't prepared for this type of reaction. I had thought all along that radiation would be much easier than chemo.
The first day that I went for radiation had been a bad one from the get-go. Little things kept going wrong, making a day that was to be a rather restful, casual one a stressful time instead. I realize now that I would have tolerated those frustrations much better had I not been subconsciously so worried about starting more treatment.
By the end of the day I was so wiped out that I couldn't watch my grandbaby while his parents worked. Thankfully, Kaylee was willing and able to take care of him, and Stephen helped with our three children so I could get some rest. I'm finding that I'm not up to babysitting him as much nowadays and it's been very hard to break that news to my daughter-in-law. I feel badly about this, but the truth of the matter is that it's just too much right now while in treatment and while still recovering from chemo. I'm really recognizing my limits now.
When Stephen and I arrived at the facility for my first treatment, we were told that I'd be using machine number one and that we should go to waiting room number one after I changed my clothes. We went to the changing room where I nervously changed. I didn't know what to expect and was quite anxious. My husband has been wonderful through this whole thing, by the way. He doesn't even blink an eye about jumping into the car and going with me to every appointment that he possibly can. He stays by my side--- even helps me in the changing room. Having him there offers so much comfort and support.
I've noticed that other people who are there for radiation come with someone--- usually a spouse. Today, I was really touched and saddened at the same time to see a very elderly couple trying to manage following the husband's treatment. The wife was hunched over and slowly moving as she aimed to provide support and care to her husband. She went to his locker and wanted to get his clothes for him. He, looking over her shoulder, offered to help with the key if she had trouble with it. I was so sorry to see folks at that stage of life having to face such a tough challenge such as cancer. They should be relaxing, resting and enjoying their time together---- not fighting this awful battle. :-(
I cannot stress enough how IMPORTANT it is to a cancer patient to have the steady, loving support of someone close to them.
Back to the first treatment--- my husband always sat beside me during chemo, but for radiation, we have to part ways at the waiting room. For obvious reason (radiation!) he cannot be in the treatment room with me. So, going by myself to this "new adventure" was a bit unnerving. The workers were behind schedule by about an hour as there had been a malfunction with the equipment. So, my technicians were moving pretty quickly with things and I felt "in the dark" to a degree with what was taking place.
The first treatment is longer than the rest of them, because angles for the treatment need to be set up, the doctor has to check the angles the technicians establish, images are taken, etc. THEN, the actual treatment. I was confused as to what was going on at different points during the half hour or so that I was laying on that hard table and feeling chilled. I was greatly intimidated by the equipment.
I have to admit, I felt ANGRY to have to be there. I was scared and uncomfortable. I was upset to have to go through another type of treatment (it's been a LONG year), and I hated that I had to expose my body to radiation. When the treatment machine rotated over my upper body I wanted to tell it how much I hated it. :-)
But, I survived that first treatment, and I also managed to get through today's second one.
Something that Stephen and I have very quickly come to look forward to at the treatments is that we are enjoying chatting with some other people in our waiting area. (People tend to go at the same time every day for each of their treatments, so you get to see each other again and again.) We have met some really nice people. Coincidently, one couple is ALMOST related to me. :-) My husband discovered that while chatting with them during my first appointment. The patient's wife is my uncle's neice. They share the same faith as us, and they are two of the NICEST, FUNNIEST people we've ever met. We absolutely MUST keep in touch with them.
Another set of people we've already come to enjoy meeting up with is a woman (probably 50's) and her mom. The dear elderly mom bought a one way ticket from another state to come and be with her daugther during treatment. They live a good distance from the facility and spend the week days in our area. I gather that this is the second time around with cancer for her, and I'm sorry she has to experience this AGAIN. I can tell that she's struggling with what she's going through and my heart hurts for her. She's giving up going home (out of state) for the winter, because this horrible disease and the need for treatment are making it not possible. :-( I hate cancer!
Somehow, we cancer patients get through this thing together--- because we're bonded by this awful disease. As a friend who's also had cancer once told me- "It's an awful club to join, but you make some great friends through it." It's true. Cancer is isolating in that as much as others care and try to understand, it DOES separate one from the rest of society in ways, and only other cancer patients and their close caregivers can REALLY understand what it's like. So, there's something really special about giving and receiving support within the group of cancer patients and survivors. We need each other!
Well, two radiation treatments down and thirty-one to go!
If anyone still reads my ramblings, please continue to keep my niece in prayer as she also battles breast cancer. And, an update on the couple I'd asked prayer for--- they're doing very well! :-) Thank you for praying!
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Hair Process During and After Chemo
I'm posting some pictures of the hair "process" during chemo and afterward. I want to have some "points of reference" if someone after me is diagnosed with breast cancer and will ask when her hair will fall out, when it will grow back, how quickly it will grow, etc. I regret that I didn't take a photo of my actual hair cut (buzz cut) the day that my hair was falling out too much to hang onto it.
I'll start posting pictures now and will continue over the coming months. I'll start with what I looked like before chemo, after my first (transition) cut, my difficult second transition cut (to 2" long), my bald head, the intitial regrowth and three months after the last chemo...
Mother's Day morning (no make-up!) I'd just had my second surgery--- breast tissue excission and lymph nodes (13) dissection---and had been hospitalized for a few days. May 2010 ***Picture Removed By Blogger***
With my childhood best friend Jennifer---following an appointment with the surgeon. This picture shows my first "transition" haircut that would help me gradually get used to short hair and losing my hair all-together. May (?) June (?) 2010
This is just after I had started to lose clumps of hair and had to make the painful decision to go to a 2" haircut--- I made it not even two full days with this cut before having to have my head shaved. This was a very hard time during my cancer experience. (I HATED the haircut!) My hair started to fall out in strands at about the 16th day following the first chemotherapy treatment (one expects it to happen at about two weeks after). Each day, more and more hair fell out--- first strands, then clumps of strands, and finally I was seeing a wide part on top of my head and hair patches missing on the back of my neck. That's when I knew it was time for my hair to be shaved off. It was a devistating process---from the time the first strands fell out until I had it removed all together. I cried every day, and several times per day, and especially when I showered and handfuls of hair would come out. There's a sense of relief once it's overwith---gone. My daughter (age 20 at the time) cut my hair off for me in the privacy of our home.
This was taken in mid-September 2010---about four or five weeks after my final chemotherapy treatment (Aug. 4, 2010). There were fine, fuzzy "sprigs" of hair cropping up.
November 5, 2010
Three months after the final chemotherapy infusion. My hair is very soft and fine. It finally covers my entire scalp. I didn't have significant hair re-growth until about six weeks following that last chemo. At that time, my hair "took off"--- my eyebrows filled in thicker than before I had cancer, my eyelashes came back, and my scalp seemed to revive. :-)
Today, I did something that would push me to accept my "new look" (short, short and slow growing hair). I went out in public "as is". I'd been hiding under scarves, cute hats and, on occasion, a wig-- for months. There had to be a first step, and today was the day.
I'd done the same thing once my hair had been shaved. I put on a scarf and forced myself to go to Walmart with it on. I now remember how I felt everyone was staring at me. Ha! But, making myself go out like that helped sooo much. About a week after going around with scarves and cute hats I became very, very comfortable with that look. MORE so than with wearing my wig. I've worn my wig a handful of times---I could probably count the days on one hand.
*Side note: I ALWAYS washed and conditioned my scalp--even when I didn't have hair. Keeping that routine gave me a sense of hope that my hair would come back, that the baldness was just a season, and it was good for my head. :-)
I'll start posting pictures now and will continue over the coming months. I'll start with what I looked like before chemo, after my first (transition) cut, my difficult second transition cut (to 2" long), my bald head, the intitial regrowth and three months after the last chemo...
Mother's Day morning (no make-up!) I'd just had my second surgery--- breast tissue excission and lymph nodes (13) dissection---and had been hospitalized for a few days. May 2010 ***Picture Removed By Blogger***
With my childhood best friend Jennifer---following an appointment with the surgeon. This picture shows my first "transition" haircut that would help me gradually get used to short hair and losing my hair all-together. May (?) June (?) 2010
This is just after I had started to lose clumps of hair and had to make the painful decision to go to a 2" haircut--- I made it not even two full days with this cut before having to have my head shaved. This was a very hard time during my cancer experience. (I HATED the haircut!) My hair started to fall out in strands at about the 16th day following the first chemotherapy treatment (one expects it to happen at about two weeks after). Each day, more and more hair fell out--- first strands, then clumps of strands, and finally I was seeing a wide part on top of my head and hair patches missing on the back of my neck. That's when I knew it was time for my hair to be shaved off. It was a devistating process---from the time the first strands fell out until I had it removed all together. I cried every day, and several times per day, and especially when I showered and handfuls of hair would come out. There's a sense of relief once it's overwith---gone. My daughter (age 20 at the time) cut my hair off for me in the privacy of our home.
This was taken in mid-September 2010---about four or five weeks after my final chemotherapy treatment (Aug. 4, 2010). There were fine, fuzzy "sprigs" of hair cropping up.
November 5, 2010
Three months after the final chemotherapy infusion. My hair is very soft and fine. It finally covers my entire scalp. I didn't have significant hair re-growth until about six weeks following that last chemo. At that time, my hair "took off"--- my eyebrows filled in thicker than before I had cancer, my eyelashes came back, and my scalp seemed to revive. :-)
Today, I did something that would push me to accept my "new look" (short, short and slow growing hair). I went out in public "as is". I'd been hiding under scarves, cute hats and, on occasion, a wig-- for months. There had to be a first step, and today was the day.
I'd done the same thing once my hair had been shaved. I put on a scarf and forced myself to go to Walmart with it on. I now remember how I felt everyone was staring at me. Ha! But, making myself go out like that helped sooo much. About a week after going around with scarves and cute hats I became very, very comfortable with that look. MORE so than with wearing my wig. I've worn my wig a handful of times---I could probably count the days on one hand.
*Side note: I ALWAYS washed and conditioned my scalp--even when I didn't have hair. Keeping that routine gave me a sense of hope that my hair would come back, that the baldness was just a season, and it was good for my head. :-)
Monday, November 1, 2010
Radiation Simulation
Today I went for my radiation simulation. Stephen and I discovered a wing of the cancer treatment facility that we didn't know existed--- even though we'd been to the building many times before.
The radiation area felt different to me. It was a new territory and I didn't feel all that comfortable with the surroundings. When we were in the changing room, Stephen commented to me that the facility looked neat. He was right, it definitely looks clean, neat and organized, but as nice as it is, I felt like a PATIENT. A sick person. I didn't want to be in that place, no matter how great it appeared to be. I am tired of being a patient. My husband hugged me and offered words of encouragement.
I didn't really know what to expect from this appointment. At check-in, we were directed to the changing rooms and lockers, and then told to report back at the desk. From that point, we were taken to a little waiting area. Within a minute, I was taken to the CAT scan room. I didn't even know why I needed a scan. I asked. The technician told me that it's to help with setting up my treatment.
It was cold in the scan room. I felt really uncomfortable, and humiliated, as I lay on my back, uncovered from the waist up, and gripping handles above my head. The techician worked with the radiation oncologist to mark areas around my breast, first with marker, and then with wires affixed to tape. The technician covered me with a warm blanket, except for the exposed upper body. That was somewhat comforting, but it didn't ease the mixed feelings of dread, discouragement and loneliness. After a while, the technician left the room and my body was sliding forward and backward through the machine. The machine sounded like a wind tunnel. I felt somewhat claustrophobic as the procedure took place. I kept my eyes closed, but I couldn't fight the tears that started to stream through my lids.
I felt like I had surrendered to cancer once again. I didn't have a choice today (at least, not a logical one). I had to go for this simulation. I had to prepare for radiation. I had to be a patient again. I had to face my health condition. I couldn't run from it. It was staring me in the face once again, and I had to deal with it head on. I was a cancer patient again, and I will continue to be one for the next six and a half weeks during which I will have radiation treatments. And, beyond that, I will be a cancer patient as I take hormone cancer treatment pills for the next five years. And, I will be one every time I look in the mirror and see that my hair is as short as a man's. And, this will continue, as it always does, when I go out in public with my husband and see women with beautiful hair. And, this will continue every time I swell with lymphodema. I will be reminded every time I board an airplane and need to wear my compression sleeve and glove. Every time I look in the mirror and see my scarred body. I am no longer a healthy person who has never been seriously ill. I am a patient. I am fighting to be a survivor. I do not feel that I have survived yet. I feel like I am trying to survive--- and hoping to survive.
I am 100% completely dependent on God for my survival. I can't control it. I can't change it. I continue to live like I am going to live. That's how I've dealt with this cancer all the while--- living like I'm going to continue to live...
...but I'm really feeling like I'm starting to wear thin. I'm tired. VERY tired. The stress of running to appointments, trying to keep up my lifestyle in the manner which I did prior to getting sick, having a family to care for, and now a grandbaby to take care of several days per week. I'm really wearing out. I am seeing the need to take the pressure off of myself to keep up like before being sick. I just can't do it.
Christmas is going to have to be different this year. And, we don't even have the financial resources to do much anyway. It's going to be a different experience, but it will maybe be an even better one, because it will be more about family togetherness than material things.
Just thinking aloud... it's been a draining day. The beginning of and end, I guess--- radiation should be the final step (minus the oral medication) in this battle with my cancer.
The radiation area felt different to me. It was a new territory and I didn't feel all that comfortable with the surroundings. When we were in the changing room, Stephen commented to me that the facility looked neat. He was right, it definitely looks clean, neat and organized, but as nice as it is, I felt like a PATIENT. A sick person. I didn't want to be in that place, no matter how great it appeared to be. I am tired of being a patient. My husband hugged me and offered words of encouragement.
I didn't really know what to expect from this appointment. At check-in, we were directed to the changing rooms and lockers, and then told to report back at the desk. From that point, we were taken to a little waiting area. Within a minute, I was taken to the CAT scan room. I didn't even know why I needed a scan. I asked. The technician told me that it's to help with setting up my treatment.
It was cold in the scan room. I felt really uncomfortable, and humiliated, as I lay on my back, uncovered from the waist up, and gripping handles above my head. The techician worked with the radiation oncologist to mark areas around my breast, first with marker, and then with wires affixed to tape. The technician covered me with a warm blanket, except for the exposed upper body. That was somewhat comforting, but it didn't ease the mixed feelings of dread, discouragement and loneliness. After a while, the technician left the room and my body was sliding forward and backward through the machine. The machine sounded like a wind tunnel. I felt somewhat claustrophobic as the procedure took place. I kept my eyes closed, but I couldn't fight the tears that started to stream through my lids.
I felt like I had surrendered to cancer once again. I didn't have a choice today (at least, not a logical one). I had to go for this simulation. I had to prepare for radiation. I had to be a patient again. I had to face my health condition. I couldn't run from it. It was staring me in the face once again, and I had to deal with it head on. I was a cancer patient again, and I will continue to be one for the next six and a half weeks during which I will have radiation treatments. And, beyond that, I will be a cancer patient as I take hormone cancer treatment pills for the next five years. And, I will be one every time I look in the mirror and see that my hair is as short as a man's. And, this will continue, as it always does, when I go out in public with my husband and see women with beautiful hair. And, this will continue every time I swell with lymphodema. I will be reminded every time I board an airplane and need to wear my compression sleeve and glove. Every time I look in the mirror and see my scarred body. I am no longer a healthy person who has never been seriously ill. I am a patient. I am fighting to be a survivor. I do not feel that I have survived yet. I feel like I am trying to survive--- and hoping to survive.
I am 100% completely dependent on God for my survival. I can't control it. I can't change it. I continue to live like I am going to live. That's how I've dealt with this cancer all the while--- living like I'm going to continue to live...
...but I'm really feeling like I'm starting to wear thin. I'm tired. VERY tired. The stress of running to appointments, trying to keep up my lifestyle in the manner which I did prior to getting sick, having a family to care for, and now a grandbaby to take care of several days per week. I'm really wearing out. I am seeing the need to take the pressure off of myself to keep up like before being sick. I just can't do it.
Christmas is going to have to be different this year. And, we don't even have the financial resources to do much anyway. It's going to be a different experience, but it will maybe be an even better one, because it will be more about family togetherness than material things.
Just thinking aloud... it's been a draining day. The beginning of and end, I guess--- radiation should be the final step (minus the oral medication) in this battle with my cancer.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Radiation and Lymphodema
I am discouraged today. Just when I had started to feel like there are too many medical appointments to fit into my life once again--- I got some more. This week, I have had three appointments, and next week I'll have five (six, if we count Kathryn's two year old check-up).
These on top of trying to help my parents when possible during this time of poor health for Dad, babysitting my grandson so my son and his wife can avoid the high cost of daycare, taking care of my own three small children and all of the other tasks that a woman has to take care of in her home. I DO have help from my husband and daughter, but there are a lot of things that the "mom" of the house does to keep things running smoothly. I really NEED to have some rest during the next couple of months as I heal from surgery, deal with lymphodema and face radiation. And, continue to recover from the effects of chemo. HOW to get this balance with so much caregiving to do?
It's a difficult thing, because I WANT to function normally and help my family members, but at what physical cost am I doing these things? There doesn't seem to be much of a choice, though. I AM needed.
My dad was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday late afternoon, and he shouldn't have been. He was clearly not well enough to go home. The poor man came to my home and had no medications for the evening or morning. He can't get by without his medicine. I called a pharmacy to see if we could get his night pills--- it took some time and some work--- but I was able to get them. It was a late evening of running and caregiving. Thankfully, Stephen was on vacation (although it's not been much of one with so much medical with me and Dad) and could tend to the kids while I tended to Dad and Mom. Dad is really not well at all, and it's a huge worry. It's very hard to accept this. I can't fix it. I don't want him to struggle. But... again, I can't fix it. And, I have no idea what Mom will do if something happens to Dad. She's going to need care, too. I'm the only daughter who lives in the same state, although my sister is doing all she can from her location. Usually, it's daughters who do the caregiving for elderly parents. I worry about being able to manage it all while still dealing wtih cancer care, three very small children, a grandbaby, and just the demands of life in general. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. It's not that I don't want to help everyone else, but I am not physically up to it. It scares me! I'm scared that if my body can't recover well due to so many demands, and the stress of those demands, that I will get cancer again.
Now, for radiation. My breast needs to clear up before we can start. The incisions are healing very well, but I have a redness that could be from infection or something else. I'm on antibiotics. Both the surgeon and radiation oncologist want it to clear up before beginning radiation treatment. In 1 to 1 1/2 weeks I'll go for "simulation" (?), including a CAT scan, tatooing, etc. Then, a few days later, radiation should start--- 33 treatments, going Monday through Friday every week til it's over.
I'm NOT happy about the risks. I'm NOT happy about having MORE side effects. So, now, let's see... risk of leukemia from my chemo, risk of uterine cancer from my Tamoxifen, and now a risk of other cancers from radiation. GREAT. :-/
And, let's not forget the other risks, and the unpleasant side effects. And, the "running" every day for treatment (on top of everything else).
I am so TIRED of medical this, that and the other. I feel like I live inside a broken body. I didn't enjoy circling "cancer" under my medical history at the physical therapy office today. It was almost like I just couldn't believe it's true--- a shock all over again.
Yes, phsical therapy. I have stage one lymphodema. I'll have physical therapy three days per week for one hour and wear a compression sleeve. :-( I'm so discouraged. Yet, if we don't try to clear this up now it can get worse. Once it gets to stage two, we'll not be able to get rid of it. This is going to be a LIFE LONG issue. I am not supposed to use the arm hard, hurt it, reach too hard for something, get bug bites or scratches on that arm/hand., no blood draws, now blood pressure checks on that side.. the list goes on. After a while, as I age, my lymph nodes are going to wear out on that side (because since so many were removed there aren't enough to do the work) and I'll likely have a lot more swelling issues.
I am 41, but I feel like an elderly person. It doesn't seem to feel too fair to me right now. Especially with raising small children.
I shouldn't have done the wallpaper removal in the dining room. It was too taxing for that arm. GRRRR! And, I felt so happy to be doing something NORMAL again, before radiation sets me back again.
Honestly, I hope there will be some sense of reprieve soon---- a break, or permission to not have to do so much caregiving for even a day--- I wish someone could tell me it's okay to have a day off to take care of my body. It's been through a lot: four surgeries, CAT scan, mammograms, ultrsounds, biopsies, bone scan, chemotherapy, lymphodema, medications with side effects....
There is a great sense of LOSS that comes from having cancer and treatment.
I try to balance it by thinking of people who are worse off and being grateful for what I still have, but there are days when I am human enough that I have to do my grieving. It has been OVERLOAD for several months now.
These on top of trying to help my parents when possible during this time of poor health for Dad, babysitting my grandson so my son and his wife can avoid the high cost of daycare, taking care of my own three small children and all of the other tasks that a woman has to take care of in her home. I DO have help from my husband and daughter, but there are a lot of things that the "mom" of the house does to keep things running smoothly. I really NEED to have some rest during the next couple of months as I heal from surgery, deal with lymphodema and face radiation. And, continue to recover from the effects of chemo. HOW to get this balance with so much caregiving to do?
It's a difficult thing, because I WANT to function normally and help my family members, but at what physical cost am I doing these things? There doesn't seem to be much of a choice, though. I AM needed.
My dad was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday late afternoon, and he shouldn't have been. He was clearly not well enough to go home. The poor man came to my home and had no medications for the evening or morning. He can't get by without his medicine. I called a pharmacy to see if we could get his night pills--- it took some time and some work--- but I was able to get them. It was a late evening of running and caregiving. Thankfully, Stephen was on vacation (although it's not been much of one with so much medical with me and Dad) and could tend to the kids while I tended to Dad and Mom. Dad is really not well at all, and it's a huge worry. It's very hard to accept this. I can't fix it. I don't want him to struggle. But... again, I can't fix it. And, I have no idea what Mom will do if something happens to Dad. She's going to need care, too. I'm the only daughter who lives in the same state, although my sister is doing all she can from her location. Usually, it's daughters who do the caregiving for elderly parents. I worry about being able to manage it all while still dealing wtih cancer care, three very small children, a grandbaby, and just the demands of life in general. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. It's not that I don't want to help everyone else, but I am not physically up to it. It scares me! I'm scared that if my body can't recover well due to so many demands, and the stress of those demands, that I will get cancer again.
Now, for radiation. My breast needs to clear up before we can start. The incisions are healing very well, but I have a redness that could be from infection or something else. I'm on antibiotics. Both the surgeon and radiation oncologist want it to clear up before beginning radiation treatment. In 1 to 1 1/2 weeks I'll go for "simulation" (?), including a CAT scan, tatooing, etc. Then, a few days later, radiation should start--- 33 treatments, going Monday through Friday every week til it's over.
I'm NOT happy about the risks. I'm NOT happy about having MORE side effects. So, now, let's see... risk of leukemia from my chemo, risk of uterine cancer from my Tamoxifen, and now a risk of other cancers from radiation. GREAT. :-/
And, let's not forget the other risks, and the unpleasant side effects. And, the "running" every day for treatment (on top of everything else).
I am so TIRED of medical this, that and the other. I feel like I live inside a broken body. I didn't enjoy circling "cancer" under my medical history at the physical therapy office today. It was almost like I just couldn't believe it's true--- a shock all over again.
Yes, phsical therapy. I have stage one lymphodema. I'll have physical therapy three days per week for one hour and wear a compression sleeve. :-( I'm so discouraged. Yet, if we don't try to clear this up now it can get worse. Once it gets to stage two, we'll not be able to get rid of it. This is going to be a LIFE LONG issue. I am not supposed to use the arm hard, hurt it, reach too hard for something, get bug bites or scratches on that arm/hand., no blood draws, now blood pressure checks on that side.. the list goes on. After a while, as I age, my lymph nodes are going to wear out on that side (because since so many were removed there aren't enough to do the work) and I'll likely have a lot more swelling issues.
I am 41, but I feel like an elderly person. It doesn't seem to feel too fair to me right now. Especially with raising small children.
I shouldn't have done the wallpaper removal in the dining room. It was too taxing for that arm. GRRRR! And, I felt so happy to be doing something NORMAL again, before radiation sets me back again.
Honestly, I hope there will be some sense of reprieve soon---- a break, or permission to not have to do so much caregiving for even a day--- I wish someone could tell me it's okay to have a day off to take care of my body. It's been through a lot: four surgeries, CAT scan, mammograms, ultrsounds, biopsies, bone scan, chemotherapy, lymphodema, medications with side effects....
There is a great sense of LOSS that comes from having cancer and treatment.
I try to balance it by thinking of people who are worse off and being grateful for what I still have, but there are days when I am human enough that I have to do my grieving. It has been OVERLOAD for several months now.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Up's and Down's
A lil' update:
Breast is healing well. Much finer scar this time, thankfully. Surgeon removed old scar at the time of the last surgery. The breast is red and warm, so went to doc's today for a check-up. Not sure if it's an infection or not, but am on antibiotics just in case. It could be that it's starting to bruise.
Hair is still growing---ever so slowly. Wore wig to do errands the other day and it seemed good to have HAIR. Yet, anytime I looked in the mirror, I did not see "me"... I saw my face with a wig. When I don't have anything on my head, I feel like I look like a man. VERY anxious for my hair to grow!
I'm still tired all of the time, but keep pushing along and trying to live a normal life. In my gutt, I know that I'm not doing my body any justice by not listening to it when I know it's telling me it desperately needs rest. I've GOT to try and find a way to lay down for an hour each afternoon, somehow.
I'm taking care of my grandson (baby) a few days a week, and some of those days it's for about 11 hours. I get really worn out, although I love spending time with him. He's adorable and it's amazing to watch him grow and change as quickly as he is. He's really very sweet and he's a good baby. He smiles and laughs most of the time. :-) Adorable!
Kaylee and I have been stripping the wallpaper in the dining room this week. It's lot of work, but it's also fun. We want to paint it green. We have put some paint on teh walls already. It's darker than we'd hoped it'd be, but it's growing on us.
My father is being transported to a local hospital at this very moment. Trouble with breathing... needs oxygen. He has congestive heart failure. :-( Worried. Also worried about how to hold up with so much caregiving--- my little kids, my grandbaby, my father, my mother... and... somehow---- taking care of my own health. It's very hard!!! I can only imagine how DAD feels right now... it must be so discouraging to be so limited and in and out of hospitals nowadays. :-( he's always been so strong. I feel so sad for him.
Breast is healing well. Much finer scar this time, thankfully. Surgeon removed old scar at the time of the last surgery. The breast is red and warm, so went to doc's today for a check-up. Not sure if it's an infection or not, but am on antibiotics just in case. It could be that it's starting to bruise.
Hair is still growing---ever so slowly. Wore wig to do errands the other day and it seemed good to have HAIR. Yet, anytime I looked in the mirror, I did not see "me"... I saw my face with a wig. When I don't have anything on my head, I feel like I look like a man. VERY anxious for my hair to grow!
I'm still tired all of the time, but keep pushing along and trying to live a normal life. In my gutt, I know that I'm not doing my body any justice by not listening to it when I know it's telling me it desperately needs rest. I've GOT to try and find a way to lay down for an hour each afternoon, somehow.
I'm taking care of my grandson (baby) a few days a week, and some of those days it's for about 11 hours. I get really worn out, although I love spending time with him. He's adorable and it's amazing to watch him grow and change as quickly as he is. He's really very sweet and he's a good baby. He smiles and laughs most of the time. :-) Adorable!
Kaylee and I have been stripping the wallpaper in the dining room this week. It's lot of work, but it's also fun. We want to paint it green. We have put some paint on teh walls already. It's darker than we'd hoped it'd be, but it's growing on us.
My father is being transported to a local hospital at this very moment. Trouble with breathing... needs oxygen. He has congestive heart failure. :-( Worried. Also worried about how to hold up with so much caregiving--- my little kids, my grandbaby, my father, my mother... and... somehow---- taking care of my own health. It's very hard!!! I can only imagine how DAD feels right now... it must be so discouraging to be so limited and in and out of hospitals nowadays. :-( he's always been so strong. I feel so sad for him.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Looking Ahead
Looking ahead toward the "next step"-- radiation. I have an appointment with my surgeon tom. for a post-surgery exam, and one with my oncologist on Oct. 27th. Eventually, one of them will refer me for a consultation with a radiation oncologist and I'll begin my six weeks of radation treatments. I've heard it usually starts up about a month after surgery. I am hoping to be able to finish before Christmas--- as to not be dragging through daily appointments at a time that I want to have energy to have fun with my children.
I went to a "young survivor's" support group meeting today. It's comforting and refreshing to spend time with other young-ish women who have 'been there" or are "there". As hard as anyone else tries to empathize and understand, no one truly "gets it" like someone else who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It is a really traumatic experience, and it comes with unique challenges.
All of that said, but not with the intention of underestimating the importance and effectiveness of the support of family and friends to anyone battling breast cancer. It's intergral to have those supportive people in one's life and I can't fathom going through something like this without "support people". It would be HORRIBLE!
At the same time, I'm feeling the importance of connecting with other survivors. In their company, one can "let her hair down" (pun intended) and feel a sense of normalcy during a very uncertain and abnormal time in her life. In a group with other bald women baring battle scars and coping with treatment side effects--- there's a sense of belonging when you don't quite feel like you blend in with the general population any longer. To put it mildly, I feel like I'm "walking wounded" these days. I feel uncertain about my health. I know how REAL cancer is. My life will never be the same. I'll never look at my life the way that I used to. Before getting cancer, I was well. I didn't think about illness, and I didn't have to know what it's like to function with an illness. Now, I am reminded of my diagnosis every time I look in the mirror and each evening as I take my Tamoxifen dose.
One of the hardest things about coping with breast cancer is trying to figure out how to still feel feminine. Losing one's hair is a very emotionally painful experience for a woman. I feel stripped of my femininity. No amount of make-up or jewelry can compensate for what is lost from my scalp. Everywhere I go I see women with their hair in tact. I see them on television. I want my hair. I want to remember what it feels like to run my fingers through my hair.
My hair IS beginning to fill in again, but it's sooo short. In fact, I don't quite have enough hair to qualify for a military buzz cut. Almost, but not yet. It's very soft and I'm grateful that it's growing, but I'm disappointed that it's taken eight weeks just to get this little bit of hair. I'm guessing that it will be January before I'll have about an inch of hair all over my head to gel or do something with. I DREAD "looking like a man" for months. I've never been a short hair kind of person.
On the flip side, I know I should balance out this sense of loss and this frustration with gratitude--- I am alive today. Losing my hair was a small price to pay for having life-saving treatment.
It was encouraging today to meet another survivor (having survived breast cancer TWICE)--- she has nice, long hair again and looks healthy. I'll get there, too, Lord willing.
What I long for is peace and quiet. I need DAYS and NIGHTS--- for weeks--- of a slower paced lifestyle with only the demands of my immediate family. Taking care of three very young busy children and our home is ENOUGH (more than enough) while recovering from chemo and surgery and enduring radiaion. I shouldn't feel guilty for not being superwoman. I need to give myself permission to fall short in some areas, and to not feel guilty for saying "no" to outside demands and requests. If I don't take care of my health and well-being through this cancer experience, how am I going to feel up to caring for my husband and children? And, they are my top priority.
There are other people in our family who need care right now---and this is not a time when I can step up to the plate and take on all of their needs. When I am well again, I will be able to add more responsibility to my life. But, for now, I hope and pray that other relatives who are physically well and financially more able, can attend to more of the needs of others (especially elderly) in the family who need caregiving. I wrestle with false guilt in this area, but I have done the best that I can to reach out in offer help and encouragement to others when I feel like I am barely surviving myself most days. I need to heal and become well again before I can effectively help others. Lately, I'm burning out. What energy I have has to go to my small children. They can't help themselves. They need me.
Most days lately, I feel like I stagger through the days, all while wishing I could have a lot more rest. I NEED an afternoon rest/nap time each day. I NEED to be in bed early at night. I NEED a lot of peace and quiet, and low stress.
This is a season in my life. It will come to pass. But, for now, I need to focus on getting well while tending to the most immediate responsibilities--- my kids.
I went to a "young survivor's" support group meeting today. It's comforting and refreshing to spend time with other young-ish women who have 'been there" or are "there". As hard as anyone else tries to empathize and understand, no one truly "gets it" like someone else who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It is a really traumatic experience, and it comes with unique challenges.
All of that said, but not with the intention of underestimating the importance and effectiveness of the support of family and friends to anyone battling breast cancer. It's intergral to have those supportive people in one's life and I can't fathom going through something like this without "support people". It would be HORRIBLE!
At the same time, I'm feeling the importance of connecting with other survivors. In their company, one can "let her hair down" (pun intended) and feel a sense of normalcy during a very uncertain and abnormal time in her life. In a group with other bald women baring battle scars and coping with treatment side effects--- there's a sense of belonging when you don't quite feel like you blend in with the general population any longer. To put it mildly, I feel like I'm "walking wounded" these days. I feel uncertain about my health. I know how REAL cancer is. My life will never be the same. I'll never look at my life the way that I used to. Before getting cancer, I was well. I didn't think about illness, and I didn't have to know what it's like to function with an illness. Now, I am reminded of my diagnosis every time I look in the mirror and each evening as I take my Tamoxifen dose.
One of the hardest things about coping with breast cancer is trying to figure out how to still feel feminine. Losing one's hair is a very emotionally painful experience for a woman. I feel stripped of my femininity. No amount of make-up or jewelry can compensate for what is lost from my scalp. Everywhere I go I see women with their hair in tact. I see them on television. I want my hair. I want to remember what it feels like to run my fingers through my hair.
My hair IS beginning to fill in again, but it's sooo short. In fact, I don't quite have enough hair to qualify for a military buzz cut. Almost, but not yet. It's very soft and I'm grateful that it's growing, but I'm disappointed that it's taken eight weeks just to get this little bit of hair. I'm guessing that it will be January before I'll have about an inch of hair all over my head to gel or do something with. I DREAD "looking like a man" for months. I've never been a short hair kind of person.
On the flip side, I know I should balance out this sense of loss and this frustration with gratitude--- I am alive today. Losing my hair was a small price to pay for having life-saving treatment.
It was encouraging today to meet another survivor (having survived breast cancer TWICE)--- she has nice, long hair again and looks healthy. I'll get there, too, Lord willing.
What I long for is peace and quiet. I need DAYS and NIGHTS--- for weeks--- of a slower paced lifestyle with only the demands of my immediate family. Taking care of three very young busy children and our home is ENOUGH (more than enough) while recovering from chemo and surgery and enduring radiaion. I shouldn't feel guilty for not being superwoman. I need to give myself permission to fall short in some areas, and to not feel guilty for saying "no" to outside demands and requests. If I don't take care of my health and well-being through this cancer experience, how am I going to feel up to caring for my husband and children? And, they are my top priority.
There are other people in our family who need care right now---and this is not a time when I can step up to the plate and take on all of their needs. When I am well again, I will be able to add more responsibility to my life. But, for now, I hope and pray that other relatives who are physically well and financially more able, can attend to more of the needs of others (especially elderly) in the family who need caregiving. I wrestle with false guilt in this area, but I have done the best that I can to reach out in offer help and encouragement to others when I feel like I am barely surviving myself most days. I need to heal and become well again before I can effectively help others. Lately, I'm burning out. What energy I have has to go to my small children. They can't help themselves. They need me.
Most days lately, I feel like I stagger through the days, all while wishing I could have a lot more rest. I NEED an afternoon rest/nap time each day. I NEED to be in bed early at night. I NEED a lot of peace and quiet, and low stress.
This is a season in my life. It will come to pass. But, for now, I need to focus on getting well while tending to the most immediate responsibilities--- my kids.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
After Surgery #3
My third and final (we assume) breast surgery was on Monday. I didn't feel anxiety about it... it was like "old hat". :-) I just wanted to get it overwith and had confidence in my doctor's skills.
He removed more breast tissue as well as my port-a-cath. This means there's a "boo boo" on both sides of my chest. Icing and using Tylenol for the first 24 hours helped a lot with pain management. I'm still quite sore. What's odd is that there is a lot of fluid floating in my breast and the swishing sounds when I move are driving me bonkers. (too much info?) :-) I'll be grateful when the body absorbs all of that liquid!
The surgeon called last night to tell me the "great news" (as he put it). He said that no cancer and no residual cancer was found in my breast tissue. :-) It's a relief to not need another surgery! If cancer had shown up at the margin again, I'd have had a mastectomy the next time around.
I'm so glad this part of treatment is behind me. In a few weeks I'll start radiation therapy, and that will most likely be on M-F for six weeks.
I'm babysitting my grandson for long hours (eleven) today and had him for the same number of hours yesterday. I'm quite tired so will close here to take a wee nap before he wakes again.
He removed more breast tissue as well as my port-a-cath. This means there's a "boo boo" on both sides of my chest. Icing and using Tylenol for the first 24 hours helped a lot with pain management. I'm still quite sore. What's odd is that there is a lot of fluid floating in my breast and the swishing sounds when I move are driving me bonkers. (too much info?) :-) I'll be grateful when the body absorbs all of that liquid!
The surgeon called last night to tell me the "great news" (as he put it). He said that no cancer and no residual cancer was found in my breast tissue. :-) It's a relief to not need another surgery! If cancer had shown up at the margin again, I'd have had a mastectomy the next time around.
I'm so glad this part of treatment is behind me. In a few weeks I'll start radiation therapy, and that will most likely be on M-F for six weeks.
I'm babysitting my grandson for long hours (eleven) today and had him for the same number of hours yesterday. I'm quite tired so will close here to take a wee nap before he wakes again.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Upcoming Surgery
It's been a while since I've updated my blog.
Surgery is just around the corner--- number three! On Monday, Sept. 27th, I'll have more tissue removed with the hope of getting clean margins this time. It wasn't an easy decision to make--- mastectomy or tissue --- but I made the best one I could for this point in time. My life is so busy with three small children that I just don't feel I can be off my feet for two major surgeries (mastectomy and reconstruction). I just want to get this overwith and move forward--- and my surgeon feels that I AM a good candidate for the type of surgery I've chosen. We know that there may very well be nothing left at the margin anyway.
After surgery, there will be a recovery period, and then--- radiation five days per week for six weeks. I've been told by several people that this leaves one feeling exhausted. Oh boy!
My hair is finally "filling in". It's very very short and I still look bald from a distance, but it's coming in quite well. It's fuzzy and soft. It appears to be a mix of light and dark hair. My eyebrows are growing back in (I'd lost at least 50% of them) dark --- a smokey color. Normally, they're blonde. And, my eyelashes are coming back (also lost 50% of those after the final chemo). Realizing that I'm going to need to wear head coverings for a few months yet, I recently ordered more colors. I had expected that once chemo ended my hair would grow like crazy. NOT. It's a VERY slow process. A survivor told me that it takes four to five months to get what looks like a "buzz cut". :-( I really miss having long hair, but It'd better not expect it anytime soon--- MAYBE a year from now? MAYBE.
I've been having some pressure and discomfort in my lower abdomen for nearly a week now. I went for an ultrasound today but won't have results for 3-5 days.
So much has happened since I last blogged. Last week, I went for a dental cleaning---six months check-up. On the last day of chemo I'd asked my oncologist if I could go to the dentist now. She smiled and said "yes". OOOPS! She forgot about my port, I guess, and I didn't know it mattered. The dentist sent me home. Apparently, if one has a port-a-cath in the chest one has to take a high dose of antibiotics one hour prior to having dental work done.
Well, two hours after arriving home I was munching on a salad when my TOOTH BROKE! How ironic! So, I called the dentist, he ordered an antibiotic and ... back to his office the next day for repair work--- $314. I hope and pray insurance will cover it, or at least a good chunk.
Also, during the past few weeks my father has continued to gain strength at the rehab facility. He's hoping to go home next week. Stephen, Kaylee, the kids and I attended an anniversary party activity at the rehab center. The married patients got to tell about their wedding day, how long they've been married, how many children, etc. It was nice. They had a wedding cake which my parents were invited to cut. :-)
My sister and her husband were "home" in Maine for two weeks. They were a tremendous help to my parents, as well as an encouragement. They are two of the most giving people I know, along with my parents. We were happy to see them a few times while they were here.
We enjoyed participating as a family in the local Komen Race for the Cure last weekend. A few friends joined us and that meant a lot to us. We definitely want to walk/run annually now! :) While at the race, Stephen and I were interviewed for the news. THAT was unexpected!
Kaylee's friend Whitney, from Bible school, was here for about 10 days and went back to Michigan this week. She's a really nice girl and we enjoyed spending time with her. Sadly, it was a really stressful and hectic time... so we didn't get to just relax much during her stay. I wish we could have a "re-do" at a less busy time.
We've had sooo much going on... Dad's heart attack and rehab stay, Mom's need to stay here some nights, Whitney's visit, the boys in school and our getting used to such early mornings and busy evenings, my health, a family matter that requires us to be support people to others right now, my husband's two jobs, Kathryn being a super active toddler, car repair, roof repair needs, juggle, juggle, juggle... some days, it just feels like complete OVERLOAD.
I really feel that I desperately need some "down time" (REST) for a good hour EVERY SINGLE afternoon, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE to get that. It would make such a huge difference. I fear the toll that "rush, rush, rush" and "push, push, push" will take on my health.
Right now, Kaylee and I are trying to babysit my grandson a lot (almost daily) while my son and his wife work multiple jobs. It's a LOT with the other three kids. I don't think either one of us could do it without the other's help. I'm worried about next week when I'm "laid up" from surgery--- I don't want Kaylee to be burried in responsbilities--- the house, the kids, the grandbaby, the meals... I hope I won't be out of commission for long.
We're looking forward for some family time away in a couple of weeks. I think all of the kids will be able to go--- including my grown ones and hte grandbaby. :-) It's TIME for some fun again. Stephen's birthday is on Sunday--- we're planning to cook with teh fondu pot and maybe go to the orchard. :-) YAY!
Well, it's time to get some rest. The kids get up early.
Prayer Requests:
Dad's health
Mom's need for strength as she looks after Dad and herself
My surgery and health concerns (the pressure/discomfort)
Sara's health (still having weekly chemos)
The couple I've shared about (HUGE answers to prayer these days regarding them)
Finances for auto repair (Stephen's van is overheating and leaking water) and somewhat small garage roof repair needs (the roof leak is over our bedroom and caused a mold problem last winter--- we HAVE to get it fixed. Thsi will involve finding someone to cut down a tree that shadows the garage roof on the side that's a concern.)
Surgery is just around the corner--- number three! On Monday, Sept. 27th, I'll have more tissue removed with the hope of getting clean margins this time. It wasn't an easy decision to make--- mastectomy or tissue --- but I made the best one I could for this point in time. My life is so busy with three small children that I just don't feel I can be off my feet for two major surgeries (mastectomy and reconstruction). I just want to get this overwith and move forward--- and my surgeon feels that I AM a good candidate for the type of surgery I've chosen. We know that there may very well be nothing left at the margin anyway.
After surgery, there will be a recovery period, and then--- radiation five days per week for six weeks. I've been told by several people that this leaves one feeling exhausted. Oh boy!
My hair is finally "filling in". It's very very short and I still look bald from a distance, but it's coming in quite well. It's fuzzy and soft. It appears to be a mix of light and dark hair. My eyebrows are growing back in (I'd lost at least 50% of them) dark --- a smokey color. Normally, they're blonde. And, my eyelashes are coming back (also lost 50% of those after the final chemo). Realizing that I'm going to need to wear head coverings for a few months yet, I recently ordered more colors. I had expected that once chemo ended my hair would grow like crazy. NOT. It's a VERY slow process. A survivor told me that it takes four to five months to get what looks like a "buzz cut". :-( I really miss having long hair, but It'd better not expect it anytime soon--- MAYBE a year from now? MAYBE.
I've been having some pressure and discomfort in my lower abdomen for nearly a week now. I went for an ultrasound today but won't have results for 3-5 days.
So much has happened since I last blogged. Last week, I went for a dental cleaning---six months check-up. On the last day of chemo I'd asked my oncologist if I could go to the dentist now. She smiled and said "yes". OOOPS! She forgot about my port, I guess, and I didn't know it mattered. The dentist sent me home. Apparently, if one has a port-a-cath in the chest one has to take a high dose of antibiotics one hour prior to having dental work done.
Well, two hours after arriving home I was munching on a salad when my TOOTH BROKE! How ironic! So, I called the dentist, he ordered an antibiotic and ... back to his office the next day for repair work--- $314. I hope and pray insurance will cover it, or at least a good chunk.
Also, during the past few weeks my father has continued to gain strength at the rehab facility. He's hoping to go home next week. Stephen, Kaylee, the kids and I attended an anniversary party activity at the rehab center. The married patients got to tell about their wedding day, how long they've been married, how many children, etc. It was nice. They had a wedding cake which my parents were invited to cut. :-)
My sister and her husband were "home" in Maine for two weeks. They were a tremendous help to my parents, as well as an encouragement. They are two of the most giving people I know, along with my parents. We were happy to see them a few times while they were here.
We enjoyed participating as a family in the local Komen Race for the Cure last weekend. A few friends joined us and that meant a lot to us. We definitely want to walk/run annually now! :) While at the race, Stephen and I were interviewed for the news. THAT was unexpected!
Kaylee's friend Whitney, from Bible school, was here for about 10 days and went back to Michigan this week. She's a really nice girl and we enjoyed spending time with her. Sadly, it was a really stressful and hectic time... so we didn't get to just relax much during her stay. I wish we could have a "re-do" at a less busy time.
We've had sooo much going on... Dad's heart attack and rehab stay, Mom's need to stay here some nights, Whitney's visit, the boys in school and our getting used to such early mornings and busy evenings, my health, a family matter that requires us to be support people to others right now, my husband's two jobs, Kathryn being a super active toddler, car repair, roof repair needs, juggle, juggle, juggle... some days, it just feels like complete OVERLOAD.
I really feel that I desperately need some "down time" (REST) for a good hour EVERY SINGLE afternoon, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE to get that. It would make such a huge difference. I fear the toll that "rush, rush, rush" and "push, push, push" will take on my health.
Right now, Kaylee and I are trying to babysit my grandson a lot (almost daily) while my son and his wife work multiple jobs. It's a LOT with the other three kids. I don't think either one of us could do it without the other's help. I'm worried about next week when I'm "laid up" from surgery--- I don't want Kaylee to be burried in responsbilities--- the house, the kids, the grandbaby, the meals... I hope I won't be out of commission for long.
We're looking forward for some family time away in a couple of weeks. I think all of the kids will be able to go--- including my grown ones and hte grandbaby. :-) It's TIME for some fun again. Stephen's birthday is on Sunday--- we're planning to cook with teh fondu pot and maybe go to the orchard. :-) YAY!
Well, it's time to get some rest. The kids get up early.
Prayer Requests:
Dad's health
Mom's need for strength as she looks after Dad and herself
My surgery and health concerns (the pressure/discomfort)
Sara's health (still having weekly chemos)
The couple I've shared about (HUGE answers to prayer these days regarding them)
Finances for auto repair (Stephen's van is overheating and leaking water) and somewhat small garage roof repair needs (the roof leak is over our bedroom and caused a mold problem last winter--- we HAVE to get it fixed. Thsi will involve finding someone to cut down a tree that shadows the garage roof on the side that's a concern.)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Five Weeks Post-Chemo
Several weeks have passed since the last and final chemo treatment--- five tomorrow, to be exact.
I'm feeling well other than having frequent bouts of fatigue. It's hard to stop and rest when you have an active, young family and a will to take back your normal duties. :-)
I met with a genetic counselor about a week ago and he concluded that he does not believe I carry either the BRAC1 or BRAC2 gene (breast cancer gene mutation). RELIEF!
I also met with my surgeon last week and he's giving me time to make a surgery decision. After I left the appointment, he ordered a referral to meet with a plastic surgeon just to discuss my reconstruction options if I choose to have a mastectomy. I've given it a lot of thought and I think that I'll probably opt out of the mastectomy choice and go with more tissue excision and radiation. It just seems as though it'd fit with our lifestyle more right now. I can't imagine having a couple of serious surgeries and recovery periods right now... the kids are so young and so busy. I need to be back on my feet and stay on my feet right now. And, the risk for a recurrence in my "sick breast" would be almost as low with excision and radiation as it would be with a mastectomy. They're considered equal choices nowadays.
I haven't informed my surgeon of this decision yet, but I'll see him next week and will talk about it then.
We have had a stressful 2010 in our family. I've had breast cancer, my niece was diagnosed with it just after I was, we had family living with us for about six weeks this year (and, I worked my tail off trying to cook two nutritious meals per day for my daughter-in-law's health during her complicated pregnancy during that stay--- on top of caring for the house and three little ones), my grandson was born prematurely and was in NICU for several weeks, my dad has had a heart attack and has been in care for two weeks now--- for congestive heart failure, and a couple close to us is having serious marriage problems. It's been "heavy".
But, God's blessings have never stopped, even during the difficulties. God is still God, and He NEVER changes.
We had an 85th birthday celeberbration for my father on Sunday. We gathered in a local restaurant that he likes. There was a great turn-out of family members---somewhere between 45 and50, I think.
The twins have started kindergarten and are doing well. Kaylee's making plans to return to Bible college in Jan. My sister and her husband are in Maine from Florida for 1 1/2 weeks to assist my parents in any way that they can help during this time of Dad's illness. Kaylee's Bible college friend is coming on Sunday to visit for 10 days. My grandbaby is growing and thriving... four months old now. Life just keeps on keeping on... it's busy one.
Prayer requests:
My father's health --- he's currently in rehab. in the city where I live
My mother ---as she tries to live between two places while Dad's in rehab.
Kaylee---finances to return to Bible school in Jan. to finish her final semester
Me--- upcoming surgery and radiation treatment
Sara--- my niece as she continues with weekly chemotherapy treatments
The couple who is having marriage problems
My sister and her husband --- for strength as they help/minister to my parents
Thank you!
Kelli
I'm feeling well other than having frequent bouts of fatigue. It's hard to stop and rest when you have an active, young family and a will to take back your normal duties. :-)
I met with a genetic counselor about a week ago and he concluded that he does not believe I carry either the BRAC1 or BRAC2 gene (breast cancer gene mutation). RELIEF!
I also met with my surgeon last week and he's giving me time to make a surgery decision. After I left the appointment, he ordered a referral to meet with a plastic surgeon just to discuss my reconstruction options if I choose to have a mastectomy. I've given it a lot of thought and I think that I'll probably opt out of the mastectomy choice and go with more tissue excision and radiation. It just seems as though it'd fit with our lifestyle more right now. I can't imagine having a couple of serious surgeries and recovery periods right now... the kids are so young and so busy. I need to be back on my feet and stay on my feet right now. And, the risk for a recurrence in my "sick breast" would be almost as low with excision and radiation as it would be with a mastectomy. They're considered equal choices nowadays.
I haven't informed my surgeon of this decision yet, but I'll see him next week and will talk about it then.
We have had a stressful 2010 in our family. I've had breast cancer, my niece was diagnosed with it just after I was, we had family living with us for about six weeks this year (and, I worked my tail off trying to cook two nutritious meals per day for my daughter-in-law's health during her complicated pregnancy during that stay--- on top of caring for the house and three little ones), my grandson was born prematurely and was in NICU for several weeks, my dad has had a heart attack and has been in care for two weeks now--- for congestive heart failure, and a couple close to us is having serious marriage problems. It's been "heavy".
But, God's blessings have never stopped, even during the difficulties. God is still God, and He NEVER changes.
We had an 85th birthday celeberbration for my father on Sunday. We gathered in a local restaurant that he likes. There was a great turn-out of family members---somewhere between 45 and50, I think.
The twins have started kindergarten and are doing well. Kaylee's making plans to return to Bible college in Jan. My sister and her husband are in Maine from Florida for 1 1/2 weeks to assist my parents in any way that they can help during this time of Dad's illness. Kaylee's Bible college friend is coming on Sunday to visit for 10 days. My grandbaby is growing and thriving... four months old now. Life just keeps on keeping on... it's busy one.
Prayer requests:
My father's health --- he's currently in rehab. in the city where I live
My mother ---as she tries to live between two places while Dad's in rehab.
Kaylee---finances to return to Bible school in Jan. to finish her final semester
Me--- upcoming surgery and radiation treatment
Sara--- my niece as she continues with weekly chemotherapy treatments
The couple who is having marriage problems
My sister and her husband --- for strength as they help/minister to my parents
Thank you!
Kelli
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Chemo Brain
Oh my goodness! CHEMO BRAIN is a real thing.
I have just returned home from grocery shopping. TWICE while at the check out a clerk had to go back and retrieve items for me. The peanut butter I picked up was not the correct one--- and I would normally know which peanut butter we usually get! And, I used coupons for yogurt-- buy six, get one free. Guess who didn't get the FREE ones? :-) Now, WHO would forget their FREE items? Ha!
It gets better--- guess who packed a HAIRDRYER to bring to the motel this past weekend? Yep, hairless me! Now, one would think that TWO MONTHS after losing one's hair, one would know that a hairdryer is not a necessity. :-)
I could go on... but I won't. :-) I just hope this chemo brain clears up soon.
When at a luncheon for young women with breast cancer last week, three of us who are currently in treatment sat there and had our moments of memory strain. It was almost funny, but not really. It's actually very frustrating for us.
On a side note, it's very, very nice to be feeling better these days. I can't say I feel good or great, but I feel better. I get tired very easily, but it's wonderful to be free of nausea, chemotherapy and complete exhaustion from treatment.
Once better, I overdid it in the house. It's hard to slow down when you have three small children, though.
I've enjoyed being able to do much more of their care, the cooking, and routine household tasks again. Some days I almost forget that I'm missing my hair, waiting for surgery and fearing a recurrence.
While traveling this weekend, I was fatigued, but we had a good time overall. The coastal area that we visited is beautiful. The kids loved attending the Thomas the Train event at the train museum. Kathryn may be young yet, but she had just as much fun as the boys did! :-)
The ocean scenery was gorgeous... sail boats, speed boats, whale watching boats, fishing boats... (I'm starting to sound like Forrest Gump talking about all of the things you can make with shrimp!) :-) We stayed in an older motel, but it was kind of nostalgic. We could see the ocean from the room. The kids were brave and swam in the pool even though the air around us was cool enough to warrant wearing a jacket.
We had breakfast at a cute cafe. We ate out on the porch. One of the staff there came and asked me if I'm a survivor. It took m a moment to remember that this is what I am now. I gave her delayed "yes". She said that she's had chemotherapy THREE times and that she's going to have more surgery next month. Still weary from my own experience with ONE regimine of chemo, I put my head on my husband's shoulder and sighed. I can't imagine having a recurrence FOUR times. That poor lady! :-( I feel so sorry for her, and at the same time her story scares me.
Well, enough cancer talk. Kaylee and I are going to take the twins to the public pool tonight to swim with preschool friends and their moms. Life is going on around this cancer business.
I have just returned home from grocery shopping. TWICE while at the check out a clerk had to go back and retrieve items for me. The peanut butter I picked up was not the correct one--- and I would normally know which peanut butter we usually get! And, I used coupons for yogurt-- buy six, get one free. Guess who didn't get the FREE ones? :-) Now, WHO would forget their FREE items? Ha!
It gets better--- guess who packed a HAIRDRYER to bring to the motel this past weekend? Yep, hairless me! Now, one would think that TWO MONTHS after losing one's hair, one would know that a hairdryer is not a necessity. :-)
I could go on... but I won't. :-) I just hope this chemo brain clears up soon.
When at a luncheon for young women with breast cancer last week, three of us who are currently in treatment sat there and had our moments of memory strain. It was almost funny, but not really. It's actually very frustrating for us.
On a side note, it's very, very nice to be feeling better these days. I can't say I feel good or great, but I feel better. I get tired very easily, but it's wonderful to be free of nausea, chemotherapy and complete exhaustion from treatment.
Once better, I overdid it in the house. It's hard to slow down when you have three small children, though.
I've enjoyed being able to do much more of their care, the cooking, and routine household tasks again. Some days I almost forget that I'm missing my hair, waiting for surgery and fearing a recurrence.
While traveling this weekend, I was fatigued, but we had a good time overall. The coastal area that we visited is beautiful. The kids loved attending the Thomas the Train event at the train museum. Kathryn may be young yet, but she had just as much fun as the boys did! :-)
The ocean scenery was gorgeous... sail boats, speed boats, whale watching boats, fishing boats... (I'm starting to sound like Forrest Gump talking about all of the things you can make with shrimp!) :-) We stayed in an older motel, but it was kind of nostalgic. We could see the ocean from the room. The kids were brave and swam in the pool even though the air around us was cool enough to warrant wearing a jacket.
We had breakfast at a cute cafe. We ate out on the porch. One of the staff there came and asked me if I'm a survivor. It took m a moment to remember that this is what I am now. I gave her delayed "yes". She said that she's had chemotherapy THREE times and that she's going to have more surgery next month. Still weary from my own experience with ONE regimine of chemo, I put my head on my husband's shoulder and sighed. I can't imagine having a recurrence FOUR times. That poor lady! :-( I feel so sorry for her, and at the same time her story scares me.
Well, enough cancer talk. Kaylee and I are going to take the twins to the public pool tonight to swim with preschool friends and their moms. Life is going on around this cancer business.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Feeling GOOD Again
I am INCREDIBLY thankful and happy to be feeling fairly good today. What a blessing!!
I swept, vacuumed, did dishes, picked up the basement toy room, etc. today and it seemed like a priviledge to do those normally mundance chores. Ha!
The twins went to their sports program and swim lessons with Kaylee this morning, and Kathryn enjoyed some time alone with mommy and daddy. I put on a musical CD that my sister had given to Sam for his birthday and she just LOVES that. She could dance and listen without brothers bothering her. :-)
I went to a luncheon today for young women with breast cancer (or for those who've had it) and my niece came, too. We had a good time. It's nice to be able to spend some time with others who have "been there" or know some of the issues one faces while in treatment for this disease. I can't explain it, but anyone else would know what it's like to link up with someone else who shares a common denominator of sorts.
I just wanted to make an entry to "shout out" my joy for finally feeling well again--- and for knowing that I don't have to experience chemo side effects in the near future. PHEW.
Prayer requests:
surgery decisions
my niece Sara who's in treatment for breast cancer
the couple who needs prayer regarding their family
I swept, vacuumed, did dishes, picked up the basement toy room, etc. today and it seemed like a priviledge to do those normally mundance chores. Ha!
The twins went to their sports program and swim lessons with Kaylee this morning, and Kathryn enjoyed some time alone with mommy and daddy. I put on a musical CD that my sister had given to Sam for his birthday and she just LOVES that. She could dance and listen without brothers bothering her. :-)
I went to a luncheon today for young women with breast cancer (or for those who've had it) and my niece came, too. We had a good time. It's nice to be able to spend some time with others who have "been there" or know some of the issues one faces while in treatment for this disease. I can't explain it, but anyone else would know what it's like to link up with someone else who shares a common denominator of sorts.
I just wanted to make an entry to "shout out" my joy for finally feeling well again--- and for knowing that I don't have to experience chemo side effects in the near future. PHEW.
Prayer requests:
surgery decisions
my niece Sara who's in treatment for breast cancer
the couple who needs prayer regarding their family
Monday, August 9, 2010
Five Days Out From Final Chemo
It's five days out from the final chemo and I'm muddling through the side effects while looking forward to putting this all behind me.
The bone pain this time is located in the back of my head and neck, in the sides of my neck and in my shoulder blades. The Neulasta shot must be hard at work--- stimulating the bone marrow to produce the white cells.
My stomach is "off" this time. After chemo, I've had to take four days worth of steroids that supposedly combat nausea. The problem is, they make you feel super hungry and you eat like a horse! Now that those "steroid days" are over, my stomach is way overloaded and blah. I hope this passes today! The steroids also really messed with my ability to sleep well for the past several nights. Yawn!
I keep telling myself--- this is "it"... after these effects are overwith, I'll slowly and steadily begin to feel human again.... and not have to face chemo anymore.
I'm VERY anxious to pack up all of the information and paperwork I've been given and have collected about breast cancer, chemo, etc. I have tons of it in a corner in my room and it needs to GO. I'm so TIRED of this ordeal. Today, I'm going to ask my husband to pack it and put it somewhere else for now. I am not ready to sort through it.
As awful as this "season" of my life has been in ways, it's also been a learning experience in many, many ways. And, Stephen and I were looking back over the summer yesterday and realize that THIS SUMMER ("cancer summer") we have done lots of fun things as a family. We've probably done more this summer than any other summer. It was important to us to keep life as normal as possible for the kids. They've really had a good time:
Zoo
Chuck E. Cheese (more than once)
Beach
Trip to Grandma's (including sleepover---first one ever--- at aunt's)
Three hotel/swimming pool weekends
A visit from Auntie Margaret from Ghana
Vacation Bible School
Swim Lessons
Recreation Department Preschool Sports
Birthday Parties
Their Own Birthday Party (two of them!)
A Teddy Bear Picnic (Rec. Dept. Function)
Swimming Outing with Teacher
Playground Visits with Kaylee
There must be more! :-) And, this coming weekend, we plan to go to a Thomas the Train event and a hotel stay.
There's a lot to be thankful for ---- I'm hoping for a good, quick recovery from chemo, as I want to be able to help others a bit before facing surgery. On the top of the list is to deliver a meal to the women from the group home at church who have cleaned weekly for me lately. Those girls have been a HUGE blessing! Their help has been a BIG DEAL to us.
Well, ... this sleepy woman is going back to bed for a bit.
Prayer requests:
Speedy recovery from chemo
Surgery decisions that need to be made soon
The couple I've mentioned in my blog--- lots of prayer needed
My niece who is in treatment for breast cancer--- and her family
The bone pain this time is located in the back of my head and neck, in the sides of my neck and in my shoulder blades. The Neulasta shot must be hard at work--- stimulating the bone marrow to produce the white cells.
My stomach is "off" this time. After chemo, I've had to take four days worth of steroids that supposedly combat nausea. The problem is, they make you feel super hungry and you eat like a horse! Now that those "steroid days" are over, my stomach is way overloaded and blah. I hope this passes today! The steroids also really messed with my ability to sleep well for the past several nights. Yawn!
I keep telling myself--- this is "it"... after these effects are overwith, I'll slowly and steadily begin to feel human again.... and not have to face chemo anymore.
I'm VERY anxious to pack up all of the information and paperwork I've been given and have collected about breast cancer, chemo, etc. I have tons of it in a corner in my room and it needs to GO. I'm so TIRED of this ordeal. Today, I'm going to ask my husband to pack it and put it somewhere else for now. I am not ready to sort through it.
As awful as this "season" of my life has been in ways, it's also been a learning experience in many, many ways. And, Stephen and I were looking back over the summer yesterday and realize that THIS SUMMER ("cancer summer") we have done lots of fun things as a family. We've probably done more this summer than any other summer. It was important to us to keep life as normal as possible for the kids. They've really had a good time:
Zoo
Chuck E. Cheese (more than once)
Beach
Trip to Grandma's (including sleepover---first one ever--- at aunt's)
Three hotel/swimming pool weekends
A visit from Auntie Margaret from Ghana
Vacation Bible School
Swim Lessons
Recreation Department Preschool Sports
Birthday Parties
Their Own Birthday Party (two of them!)
A Teddy Bear Picnic (Rec. Dept. Function)
Swimming Outing with Teacher
Playground Visits with Kaylee
There must be more! :-) And, this coming weekend, we plan to go to a Thomas the Train event and a hotel stay.
There's a lot to be thankful for ---- I'm hoping for a good, quick recovery from chemo, as I want to be able to help others a bit before facing surgery. On the top of the list is to deliver a meal to the women from the group home at church who have cleaned weekly for me lately. Those girls have been a HUGE blessing! Their help has been a BIG DEAL to us.
Well, ... this sleepy woman is going back to bed for a bit.
Prayer requests:
Speedy recovery from chemo
Surgery decisions that need to be made soon
The couple I've mentioned in my blog--- lots of prayer needed
My niece who is in treatment for breast cancer--- and her family
Friday, August 6, 2010
FINAL CHEMO TREATMENT DONE!
Hip Hip Hooray! The final chemotherapy treatment was on Wednesday, August 4th, and the final Neulasta injection on the 5th. DONE, DONE, DONE! I'm sooo thankful that this part of my treatment is OVERWITH.
Now, to get through the final round of side effects. Since that was my last cycle I'm ready to move forward and have a thousand ambitions swarming through my mind, but... of course, they'll have to wait until I'm feeling better. It's hard to wait! :-)
I'm thinking--- 85th birthday party for my father in early Sept., walking in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure and attending the breast cancer support group retreat in Sept., having friends over for a meal to thank them for the weekly meals they've provided throughout treatment (we've been so anxious to get together!), helping my niece through her treatment, planning something fun for my husband's birthday as well as his vacation week in October. The twins will start kindergarten on Aug. 30th and I want to do fun things with them as well as school shop. I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE.
However, surgery decisions will need to be made in the coming weeks. I'll meet with my oncologist again in three weeks and my surgeon on Aug. 31st. I'm leaning toward requesting a mastectomy as to just have peace of mind regarding all that I've been through and disliking that "traitor" breast--- and fearing a local recurrance in that breast, of course. However, that would involve reconstructive surgery, having drains to tend to, etc. Please pray for wisdom in decision making for me. I'll ask to meet with a plastic surgeon to discuss options, as well. My general surgeon feels that I'm a good candidate for just having more tissue removed. THAT would be easier, but could I forgive myself for not having a mastectomy if I were to have a local recurrance in that breast? Hmmmm.
My oncologist DID present my "case" to experts from Dana Farber in Boston. On Wednesday she told me that one of the doctors felt that this last cycle of chemo would be sufficient, given my low Oncotype DX score (the genetic testing done on my tumor when sent out of state) --- that reading suggested that I have a 15% chance of having a recurrance of breast cancer. The score is low enough that if I'd not had node involvement, I'd not have needed chemo at all.
The other doctor who gave input felt that I should have FOUR cycles of AC, rather than three, as that's 'protocol'. But, they reached a general concensus that my initial treatment with TC and the added three cycles of AC (along with the extra Cytoxan treatment I got) should be enough.
There is even a question if chemotherapy will benefit me at all. It's a gamble. My cancer is very slow growing and the Oncotype Dx score is reassuring. But, because not enough information is available for women with postive (cancerous) nodes and the Oncotype DX testing--- we (doctor and I) felt it was best to go ahead with chemo to get any potential benefit from it that I could.
The oncologist normally waits til radiation time to start patients on Tamoxifen (sp?), but she wants to start me on it soon. It's a hormone cancer drug that I'll be taking (pill form) for 5-10 years. Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and blood clots, as well as menopause like symptoms (not fun). Once I have passed through menopause, I can switch to Arimidex (sp?) which has less threatening side effects.
Please pray that God will protect me from serious side effects from the chemo and the hormone cancer drugs. The chemo drug Adriamycin can cause leukemia. :-/
I've been dealing with a side effect of chemo called "chemo brain". It causes forgetfulness. It can be frustrating. I put a container of ice cream on top of the refridgerator yesterday and forgot it. I forget to turn off stove burners, etc. It usually clears up about 10-12 days after chemo.
I can tell that people are praying for me right now. Today should be a really lousy nausea day, but so far, it's manageable. I do a few things, drink gingerale, rest, and do things again. The biggie today is fatigue. I 've not slept all that well the past couple of nights.
We were able to get away for three days last weekend. WHAT A TREAT! We went to the southern part of the state and spent the night in a hotel with an indoor heated pool. My parents came with us, and the kids thought it was fun to swim with grandma. I was delighted to be able to swim, too, as when we went there in May, I'd had surgery and couldn't do it. I LOVE SWIMMING. (Side note: today, my oncologist signed a persmission form for me to be able to swim on Wednesdays with the breast cancer support group! YAY!)
While away we also visited with a special cousin and her husband. She spoiled us with yummy strawberry shortcake. We were happy to see them! We also ate out at a couple of buffets (American and Chinese). We shopped at a fun store where I bought some fall decorations and window boxes that hang on the sides of doorstep railings or decks. The kids got to play at Chuck E. Cheese and we bumped into my niece and her family there. FUN!
We also went to Cambridge to say good-bye to Stephen's sister Margaret who was leaving for Ghana the next day. That was a long....drive and a LONG...drive for me, as I wasn't quite up to it. Stephen drove us back to the hotel, though, and stayed overnight and brought us home the next evening.
The night before we went home the brakes in my dad's vehicle went metal to metal. (Thank God He kept us all safe anytimewe were on the highway and traveling around the city in that vehicle! We had two cars with us.) We had to fix the brakes the final day before coming home.
One of the things I was feeling bad about giving up this summer was making a perenial garden in front of our house. Well,, Stephen and i were able to pick up some plants on clearance the other day to at least make a start. :-) We REALLY should use a rotatillar as the soil is so hard packed, but we don't have one. But, we're just mixing in potting soil and those little white foam-like balls into it to see if that will help for this year. I can't tell you how much JOY it's giving me to be able to do SOMETHING out there before the summer ends. :-) We also put some mums in our new window boxes. YAY! A relative made this possible by giving me a bit of money to spend on anything I'd like, and I am thankful to her. These perenials will come up year after year (I hope) and they'll be a reminder of her kindness.
Speaking of relatives, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to pray for my niece as she goes through treatment this summer. Her last chemo was postponed due to low blood counts. She's having a really hard time with side effects and has what seems like a long road ahead. Her name is Sara. Please put her on your daily prayer list. Thank you!
Now, to get through the final round of side effects. Since that was my last cycle I'm ready to move forward and have a thousand ambitions swarming through my mind, but... of course, they'll have to wait until I'm feeling better. It's hard to wait! :-)
I'm thinking--- 85th birthday party for my father in early Sept., walking in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure and attending the breast cancer support group retreat in Sept., having friends over for a meal to thank them for the weekly meals they've provided throughout treatment (we've been so anxious to get together!), helping my niece through her treatment, planning something fun for my husband's birthday as well as his vacation week in October. The twins will start kindergarten on Aug. 30th and I want to do fun things with them as well as school shop. I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE.
However, surgery decisions will need to be made in the coming weeks. I'll meet with my oncologist again in three weeks and my surgeon on Aug. 31st. I'm leaning toward requesting a mastectomy as to just have peace of mind regarding all that I've been through and disliking that "traitor" breast--- and fearing a local recurrance in that breast, of course. However, that would involve reconstructive surgery, having drains to tend to, etc. Please pray for wisdom in decision making for me. I'll ask to meet with a plastic surgeon to discuss options, as well. My general surgeon feels that I'm a good candidate for just having more tissue removed. THAT would be easier, but could I forgive myself for not having a mastectomy if I were to have a local recurrance in that breast? Hmmmm.
My oncologist DID present my "case" to experts from Dana Farber in Boston. On Wednesday she told me that one of the doctors felt that this last cycle of chemo would be sufficient, given my low Oncotype DX score (the genetic testing done on my tumor when sent out of state) --- that reading suggested that I have a 15% chance of having a recurrance of breast cancer. The score is low enough that if I'd not had node involvement, I'd not have needed chemo at all.
The other doctor who gave input felt that I should have FOUR cycles of AC, rather than three, as that's 'protocol'. But, they reached a general concensus that my initial treatment with TC and the added three cycles of AC (along with the extra Cytoxan treatment I got) should be enough.
There is even a question if chemotherapy will benefit me at all. It's a gamble. My cancer is very slow growing and the Oncotype Dx score is reassuring. But, because not enough information is available for women with postive (cancerous) nodes and the Oncotype DX testing--- we (doctor and I) felt it was best to go ahead with chemo to get any potential benefit from it that I could.
The oncologist normally waits til radiation time to start patients on Tamoxifen (sp?), but she wants to start me on it soon. It's a hormone cancer drug that I'll be taking (pill form) for 5-10 years. Tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer and blood clots, as well as menopause like symptoms (not fun). Once I have passed through menopause, I can switch to Arimidex (sp?) which has less threatening side effects.
Please pray that God will protect me from serious side effects from the chemo and the hormone cancer drugs. The chemo drug Adriamycin can cause leukemia. :-/
I've been dealing with a side effect of chemo called "chemo brain". It causes forgetfulness. It can be frustrating. I put a container of ice cream on top of the refridgerator yesterday and forgot it. I forget to turn off stove burners, etc. It usually clears up about 10-12 days after chemo.
I can tell that people are praying for me right now. Today should be a really lousy nausea day, but so far, it's manageable. I do a few things, drink gingerale, rest, and do things again. The biggie today is fatigue. I 've not slept all that well the past couple of nights.
We were able to get away for three days last weekend. WHAT A TREAT! We went to the southern part of the state and spent the night in a hotel with an indoor heated pool. My parents came with us, and the kids thought it was fun to swim with grandma. I was delighted to be able to swim, too, as when we went there in May, I'd had surgery and couldn't do it. I LOVE SWIMMING. (Side note: today, my oncologist signed a persmission form for me to be able to swim on Wednesdays with the breast cancer support group! YAY!)
While away we also visited with a special cousin and her husband. She spoiled us with yummy strawberry shortcake. We were happy to see them! We also ate out at a couple of buffets (American and Chinese). We shopped at a fun store where I bought some fall decorations and window boxes that hang on the sides of doorstep railings or decks. The kids got to play at Chuck E. Cheese and we bumped into my niece and her family there. FUN!
We also went to Cambridge to say good-bye to Stephen's sister Margaret who was leaving for Ghana the next day. That was a long....drive and a LONG...drive for me, as I wasn't quite up to it. Stephen drove us back to the hotel, though, and stayed overnight and brought us home the next evening.
The night before we went home the brakes in my dad's vehicle went metal to metal. (Thank God He kept us all safe anytimewe were on the highway and traveling around the city in that vehicle! We had two cars with us.) We had to fix the brakes the final day before coming home.
One of the things I was feeling bad about giving up this summer was making a perenial garden in front of our house. Well,, Stephen and i were able to pick up some plants on clearance the other day to at least make a start. :-) We REALLY should use a rotatillar as the soil is so hard packed, but we don't have one. But, we're just mixing in potting soil and those little white foam-like balls into it to see if that will help for this year. I can't tell you how much JOY it's giving me to be able to do SOMETHING out there before the summer ends. :-) We also put some mums in our new window boxes. YAY! A relative made this possible by giving me a bit of money to spend on anything I'd like, and I am thankful to her. These perenials will come up year after year (I hope) and they'll be a reminder of her kindness.
Speaking of relatives, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue to pray for my niece as she goes through treatment this summer. Her last chemo was postponed due to low blood counts. She's having a really hard time with side effects and has what seems like a long road ahead. Her name is Sara. Please put her on your daily prayer list. Thank you!
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