It's FINALLY over!

Finally, after nine months of battling breast cancer, I have finished the last step of my treatment today. It's finally OVER. At least, I hope so. I am cautiously celebrating the end of this nightmare, because there's a part of me that is so scared that it's going to return. I wish I could have confidence that this is over forever, and that I can feel free to just go on with life without another thought of cancer.

So, it's over. At least for now. No more running to the doctors every day for radiation. No more impending surgeries. No more chemotherapy. Now, there will only be doctor's appointments every three months. Oh, you can ONLY imagine (unless having gone through this) WHAT that means to me. I am so tired of putting on johnnies, being picked and prodded... oh, I am so TIRED of it all.

And, really, I'm just plain TIRED FROM it all. It's been LONG and it's been HARD.

People have told me over and over again how brave I am, how well I've done, how I've been an inspiration to them, that they can't believe how I've faced everything with courage--- that they don't think they could have done what I've done. I have to tell you, I have done what I've done out of pure necessity. There are three little faces that greet me every single day, and if it weren't for them, I could not have endured this battle. They needed their mom, and they still need me... and WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children?

I have fought for my children. And, I've fought hard. I wanted them to have the most NORMAL life they possibly could while I went to battle. They probably did MORE fun activities during the months I was in chemo than they've done during any other season of their lives. And, Christmas during radiation--- sometimes I felt I was taking it out of my own hyde to make sure they had their Christmas. So, tell me, WHAT will a mother NOT do for her children? It's ALWAYS about the kids--- once you become a mom--- it's not about you.

I could NOT have done this without my husband and my oldest daughter. My husband has been "the wind beneath my wings". I actually strongly dislike that saying, because that song has been played so much... Ha! But, this man has been AMAZING and I want the entire world to KNOW that. If anyone has ever underestimated the goodness in that mans heart, they have been WRONG. He has stood beside me and fought cancer almost as if it were him who were sick. He was at every appointment he could make. He comforted me when I felt I couldn't keep going. When I felt I was going to fall, he caught me. When I felt I was weak, I drew from his strength. He never ever ever made me feel that I was less beautiful when I lost my hair and my body became scarred. He is an ANGEL and no one should ever tell me otherwise. I pray God will bless him for standing by his wife during an extremely stressful time.

Kaylee gave up her job, a great part of her social life, her freedom to "come and go" as most people her age do, and so much more to take on a strong role of caregiver to the kids during the past nine months. She tackled it with dedication and responsibility, and so much love. The kids have strongly bonded with her during these past months and I have to say--- there's no one else I'd ever feel so comfortable leaving my kids with. Kaylee has greatly sacraficed this year--- and she is also an ANGEL. Now, Kaylee's planning to go back to Bible college to pick up her life where she left off--- just two more weeks and she'll be on her way--- back to HER life. Back to being a 21 year old with a social life, a plan and a future of her own. I pray that God blesses her for her sacrafices for our family this year.

Today, after treatment, I came home from radiation to a really sweet surprise party given by my husband and five children. The decorations were beautiful--- lime green and hot pink. So, springy and sunny.... perfect! And, a lovely cake decorated with hot pink roses and green leaves. My husband provided Chinese food. And, just when I thought they'd really overdone it--- BEAUTIFUL flowers arrived at the door. Stephen bought gorgeous hot pink roses and mini daisies--- in a pretty glass vase with a hotpink and white polkadot ribbon. SOOOOO nice!!

It's a bittersweet time for us--- the end of nine months of "hard stuff"--- it's finally over and we're rejoicing about that. But, in the same week, we've lost my dear father-in-law. I can't explain to you how it feels to have such a heaviness mixed with sprinkles of joy ... it's very odd.

It's ironic--- the very radiation treatment machines that overwhelmed and upset me so much during the first treatment seemed so "small" today. My feelings about the whole thing seemed to be so small compared to what my husband is going through over the loss of his dad. As I laid there today, I didn't feel happiness about the beams being the last ones. Instead, my mind was completely on my husband and his grief. I just wanted to get out of that room and see my husband. It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? Sometimes our trials seem so huge, but someone else --- somewhere in the world--- is having a bigger problem. So, we have to count our blessings.

For me, yes, it's over. At least for now, and I pray it's for the rest of my life. But, at this moment, I'm just grateful to be alive for THIS day. And, if God gives me tomorrow--- I'll walk cautiously, because life is short. Every day is a gift.