29 Down and 4 to Go!

Just some "scattered" thoughts during this busy Christmas week...

I went for the first of my final five "cone down" radiation treatments today. They're focussing the beams only on the tumor bed area now. I'll have a break for Christmas Eve and the holiday weekend and will finish up next week.

It's kind of a drag to have to go out for treatment during my children's school vacation week, but it'll be good to get this all over with and behind us.

As the end of this long year and my treatment for cancer comes to a close, and I look forward to getting back to "regular life", I'm pondering just what the normal life will be now. It's going to be a new normal. I know it will never be how it was before getting cancer. How do I go back to life as usual? What's going to be most important? How should I manage my health? I have a lot on my mind.

I've heard and read that when cancer patients are done with treatment, it can be a very insecure time for them. They had the assurance during treatment that something was continuously being done to fight the cancer. Someone was always looking out for them. When it comes to a conclusion, they feel like they're "on their own". It's a strange thing. It's great to be released from the surgeries, chemo, radiation treatments and continual dealings with cancer, cancer, cancer... yet, it's a time of adjustment.

I will be SO GLAD to not have to plan for "the next step" any longer. No impending chemo. No upcoming surgery. No more dashing out the door and disrupting the day for radiation treatments. Yet, it's definitely a weird place to be after nine very long months of care. It's not like having a baby and then you go back to normal life ... just with an extra person in the family. This is very different. What is NORMAL now?

While in the changing room after treatment today I heard something that brought tears to my eyes and caused me to pray to God and say "Oh no. NOT another one. Oh, God. Please be with this woman." What I heard was the receptionist in the radiation department giving a tour of the changing area-- "You can change in one of these rooms and put your things in one of these lockers. The bathrooms are here and there. When you're done changing, I'll show you where to wait." A slight, older voice replied and it just broke my heart. WHY does someone else have to go through this? Why is there ALWAYS "someone next" with cancer? We're like broken bodies going down an assembly line hoping to be fixed... one after another. It's painful to think about this.

One thing that always grips my heart over at the cancer treatment facility is when I see elderly folks who are there for treatment. I've been through so much at 41, but my body is still relatively young enough to take the beating. These dear old people who are already frail---it hurts to think about it. :-( Yet, I've found that some of those people have been the most endearing, friendly and upbeat ones that we've "bumped into" in the waiting rooms. They are strong on the inside, even if weak on the outside.

I said "good-bye" today to another set of new friends from the waiting room. They kept Stephen and I laughing during the past few weeks, and we really enjoyed talking with them. Off they go today, after treatment, to visit their children and grandchildren in Massachusetts for the Christmas week. They've talked about this and have looked forward to it since we met them just a while ago. What a nice way to celebrate the end of treatment! :-) God, bless them with safe travels and a refreshing time with family.

I would also like to somehow celebrate the end of treatment, the end of my cancer care (minus the Tamoxifen treatment for the next 4 1/2 years), very soon. It's kind of in "dream stage" right now, as I don't know what we can do. We're not financially able to take a vacation as a family. After all we've been through this year, we need to do SOMETHING. Thinking, thinking.

Little Kathryn is stirring in her crib. The twins are waiting for her to wake up, to put on snowpants, and to play in the snow with them for the VERY first time EVER. :-) How exciting! Perhaps just BEING here ---alive---to watch my children grow and play---is celebration enough at the end of this challenging year.