Another four months check-up with the surgeon today---- he said everything looks good. That means no suspicious lumps, no healing concerns, etc. PHEW!
He asked how I was doing emotionally with the post-cancer process.... I told him I still have fear at times... about recurrence. He gave some good advice: using the visual of a box--- when the fear comes out of it--- don't wrestle with it--- just remind myself that I've felt fearful before and it passes. :) I can relate to this, because when I'm overtired and emotional I tell myself I'll be fine after getting some sleep. It's a good way to rationalize when emotions try and take over. :)
I wasn't surprised to find that I felt very tired after the appointment. I think these "cancer reminder" type medical visits kind of stir up "old stuff".
ANYWAY--- I'm encouraged by the good news!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
OUCH!
I guess it's time to not share so much with those closest to me--- apparently, they're growing tired of hearing me talk about how I'm NOT back to "normal" yet post-cancer treatment.
It's not that I enjoy hearing my own voice saying "I'm so tired" on a regular basis. Frankly, I'm sick of it, too. I don't say it for the purpose of gaining sympathy. It's just a vocal sigh of desperation sometimes.
The fact of the matter is I am struggling to keep up some days, and I don't like it one bit. :) I want to be able to just BE ME again. I'm fighting for that every single day.
I look in the mirror and I don't see "me". Not the me I used to be. I'm someone with a dramatically different hairstyle that I did not choose. I'm much more emotional due to the Tamoxifen drug I have to take.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm still battling. I'm not battling cancer per se (other than with the ongoing Tamoxifen treatment), but I'm battling to reclaim my energy, my life, my focus... and most of all my sense of normalcy.
I don't believe it's possible for someone who's not been there to really grasp what it is like post-treatment. You go through "hell" for a good chunk of a year (or, more) and then when treatment's over and you look okay again--- you're expected to just pick up where you left off like nothing happened.
Yet, you've got physical scars, side effects of drugs, some long-term side effects of chemo (i.e. memory problems, concentration issues), and lingering fatigue.
And, nightmar-ish memories of what you went through. If I even THINK about the chemotherapy treatment area of the cancer care facility, or visualize the IV drip bags or vials full of the "poison" (chemo) that went into my veins, I LITERALLY feel nauseated.
The summer weather sometimes transports me back in memory to last summer when I felt sick from treatment. I'd sit in the recliner with the fan on my face for hours. I'm waiting for this summer to go by (not too quickly, though, I hope---Ha!) so that next summer--- the previous summer won't hold those "last summer memories".... it'll be a different comparison all together.
Back to the point of this entry. Today, I was informed by someone close to me (someone who's supposed to be "on my side") that I DO NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER, THAT I AM NO MORE TIRED THAN ANY OTHER MOM OF LITTLE KIDS, AND THAT I NEED TO BE THANKFUL FOR BEING ALIVE RATHER THAN COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW TIRED I AM.
I cannot tell you how much that stung. She sees me as someone who's just "stuck" and complaining. No, I do not have breast cancer. I am thankful to be alive. I AM more tired than I was as a mom of little kids BEFORE cancer diagnosis and treatment. The TRUTH of the matter is that I am dog-gone tired most days and feel like I am fighting hard to keep up and keep going. I sometimes feel desperate --- and my body begs for rest that I cannot get. I push and push and push myself until I'm so tired that I feel like my legs are going to give out--- but I keep going some more. I have three very little kids to take care of and they are BUSY. It is exhausting for someone who's not recovering, let alone for someone who is.
It is MY RIGHT to be tired at this time. I don't like it any more than they like hearing me talk about it. I've been encouraged by other women who've "been there" that the fatigue WILL eventually go away. I hope so.
The kids are asking for something... so, here goes... :) There is little rest for a mom.
It's not that I enjoy hearing my own voice saying "I'm so tired" on a regular basis. Frankly, I'm sick of it, too. I don't say it for the purpose of gaining sympathy. It's just a vocal sigh of desperation sometimes.
The fact of the matter is I am struggling to keep up some days, and I don't like it one bit. :) I want to be able to just BE ME again. I'm fighting for that every single day.
I look in the mirror and I don't see "me". Not the me I used to be. I'm someone with a dramatically different hairstyle that I did not choose. I'm much more emotional due to the Tamoxifen drug I have to take.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm still battling. I'm not battling cancer per se (other than with the ongoing Tamoxifen treatment), but I'm battling to reclaim my energy, my life, my focus... and most of all my sense of normalcy.
I don't believe it's possible for someone who's not been there to really grasp what it is like post-treatment. You go through "hell" for a good chunk of a year (or, more) and then when treatment's over and you look okay again--- you're expected to just pick up where you left off like nothing happened.
Yet, you've got physical scars, side effects of drugs, some long-term side effects of chemo (i.e. memory problems, concentration issues), and lingering fatigue.
And, nightmar-ish memories of what you went through. If I even THINK about the chemotherapy treatment area of the cancer care facility, or visualize the IV drip bags or vials full of the "poison" (chemo) that went into my veins, I LITERALLY feel nauseated.
The summer weather sometimes transports me back in memory to last summer when I felt sick from treatment. I'd sit in the recliner with the fan on my face for hours. I'm waiting for this summer to go by (not too quickly, though, I hope---Ha!) so that next summer--- the previous summer won't hold those "last summer memories".... it'll be a different comparison all together.
Back to the point of this entry. Today, I was informed by someone close to me (someone who's supposed to be "on my side") that I DO NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER, THAT I AM NO MORE TIRED THAN ANY OTHER MOM OF LITTLE KIDS, AND THAT I NEED TO BE THANKFUL FOR BEING ALIVE RATHER THAN COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW TIRED I AM.
I cannot tell you how much that stung. She sees me as someone who's just "stuck" and complaining. No, I do not have breast cancer. I am thankful to be alive. I AM more tired than I was as a mom of little kids BEFORE cancer diagnosis and treatment. The TRUTH of the matter is that I am dog-gone tired most days and feel like I am fighting hard to keep up and keep going. I sometimes feel desperate --- and my body begs for rest that I cannot get. I push and push and push myself until I'm so tired that I feel like my legs are going to give out--- but I keep going some more. I have three very little kids to take care of and they are BUSY. It is exhausting for someone who's not recovering, let alone for someone who is.
It is MY RIGHT to be tired at this time. I don't like it any more than they like hearing me talk about it. I've been encouraged by other women who've "been there" that the fatigue WILL eventually go away. I hope so.
The kids are asking for something... so, here goes... :) There is little rest for a mom.
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