First Post-cancer Mammogram---CHECK!

Yesterday was "the day" --- it was time for my first post-cancer mammogram. Stephen and Kathryn came with me to the hospital. It was very comforting to have my husband there. :-)

The diagnostic mammogram wasn't too bad. I was expecting it to be very painful, but it was tolerable. After the images were taken, I was led to a changing room where I'd sit and wait for results. The technician called Stephen and Kathryn to come and sit with me.

We waited for quite a while, and of course, that was a bit nervewrecking. I played over in my head different things that could either ease my mind or stress me out--- i.e. "I'm on Tamoxifen, so that offers protection against breast cancer.", "If they've found it's come back, I'll ask for a mastectomy right away!", "If they've found something, I'm going to insist they don't address it until I've returned from Africa."

Finally, the radiation doctor was able to read my images! The technician came back and said that things "look good", but they wanted me to hang out there for a while and have an ultrasound done. Of course, that was a bit scary. She explained that my scar tissue has changed my breast so they needed to do measurements by ultrasound to have a NEW baseline mammogram to compare to in the future. I thought "Okay. That makes sense." It relieved some anxiety. She also said that scar tissue can get smaller, but NOT bigger. So, in the future, if my scar tissue looked bigger in mammogram images, it could indicate a problem (i.e. tumor?)

To get to the ultrasound room we had to walk by the office of the surgeon who gave us the news of my cancer a year ago. It was hard for both Stephen and I to see that room. He noted the wall space where my images were displayed last year and we were shown the lump. We remembered the words of the doctor- "It's concerning for cancer." It wasn't pleasant to revisit that moment.

It was also difficult to be back in the ultrasound room where I'd had an ultrasound and biopsy last March. It brought back a flood of emotion. I noticed the phone on the wall that I'd been anxiously waiting to hear ringing from last year--- my doctor (OB/GYN) was going to call at any moment and discuss my mammogram findings. I remember crying my heart out in that room and looking desperately at my husband for reassurance. So, it was not fun to be in there yesterday. However, strangely, I felt kind of grateful to be one year out from my diagnosis--- to be back there with so much horror behind me--- in the past. It's almost like I laid in there and my life went back to March 2010 and then fast-forwarded to March 2011. Very odd!

The ultrasound technician told me that she was going to take a look at the breast (on screen). I can't remember what she said, but the reason she gave for the ultrasound made me feel a bit anxious again. It wasn't the same reason that the technician had given.

I watched the screen as she conducted the test and at times thought I shouldn't look. I could see an odd shape and it reminded me of the odd shape of my tumor when we viewed the mammogram readings last year. I thought "Oh no, not again!" It was hard to wait for the technician to finish and give me information. She completed her work and said she'd be back to let me know if "they" need more images.

THAT made me think that she'd found something and they'd need a closer look. SCARY!

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably three or four minutes, she returned and said the "good news is that there's nothing bad" (that's all I needed to hear!) and that what the test showed was some fluid that had collected in my breast (from surgery, I assume). I'll be seeing my surgeon next week and will discuss it with him.

They want me to come back in six months for another diagnostic mammogram as well as an ultrasound. That affects me in two ways:
1. It's reassuring that they're keeping a good eye on things
2. It makes me wonder if they saw something suspicious that they want to keep an eye on

I'm sure the first one is the case--- my scar tissue is something that may change in coming months and they'll get a better look in six months? They'd have told me if there had been anything concerning?

Other ladies who've had breast cancer have told me that they were concerned with their scar tissue at the first mammograms post-cancer, too.

I'm tempted to feel like having this "clear" mammogram behind me gives me permission to live my life with confidence for the next six months. But, I know that we have to take life one day at a time. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow...

A Lil' Update

Two months post-radiation and seven months post-chemo--- still quite fatigued and trying to adjust to that aspect of my "new normal". I usually do quite well in the mornings, but by afternoon I'm worn out. Hoping this improves with time.

White cell counts were still a bit low when tested on Valentine's Day, but neutrophils were getting back into the normal range. That's what the doctor was concerned with.

My hair is still growing at a slow, steady pace. I continue to have a love-hate relationship with my hair at this stage. It's quite short and I'm just not used to it. So many people have commented that they love my hair and that I should keep it this way. That is encouraging, but I guess I'm looking to have it more like it used to be--- a sense of normal.

The date for my first mammogram since the diagnostic one (my first one ever) is March 14th. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm getting nervous about it. I guess it just feels like the mammogram I had last year "caused" my cancer somehow... it's what brought it to our attention. In all actuality, it saved my life. If it weren't for that test, my cancer would be growing and spreading without my knowledge. Yet, that mammogram was what marked the beginning of a year of upheavel in my life.

I'd read that some women diagnosed with breast cancer blame their doctors, or some other healthcare provider, for their cancer. Now, logically, we know they didn't cause it. However, we associate the people involved with the diagnosis with the nightmare that breast cancer brings to our lives. So, with all that in mind, I am HOPING that the woman who did my mammogram (as well as the additonal pictures) is NOT the person who will run my test this time around. I DO associate her with my cancer. She was nice, for sure, but it's just a strange dynamic of this experience... I guess that seeing her again would cause me to relive that awful day when she clued me in that something wasn't quite right with my "pictures".

I've also read that some women cannot sleep the night before their mammograms... I hope this isn't the case for me. I hope that I can find a way to approach this appointment without fear and anxiety. I'm so afraid that the doctors will find another lump. This is a real catch 22--- it would be totally nuts to not get a mammogram (given that early detection saves lives), but I wish I didn't have to do this again so soon.

At the same time, I cannot believe it's been a FULL YEAR... since "D" day. DIAGNOSIS DAY.