Update on Baby, Etc.

My grandbaby will be able to go home from the hospital tomorrow. Antibiotics should do the trick. :-) His mommy and daddy are very tired from not getting much rest at the hospital.

Stephen and I took Kathryn (our baby) shopping today for birthday presents for the twins. We also spent a great deal of time at Walmart stocking up on groceries. I wanted to shop ahead, because the holiday, birthday (Monday) and chemo are just around the corner.

I felt wiped out just after bathing the baby this morning---before going shopping, and then weak in the store. By the time we were at the check-out, I was shaking. This CAN'T be normal, can it? Chemo was eight days ago!

Whatever the case, I've left a voicemail for my oncologist's nurse. Hopefully, she'll call back tomorrow morning.

My blood pressure is still lower than my baseline--- the bottom number stays in the 60's now and it's normally in the 80's. I wish I knew more about "medical stuff"!

I've been an eating fanatic---- very well balanced diet---trying to see if that will make me feel better.

I dunno--- I just want to get this chemo business behind me and out of my life. The whole thing takes a toll after a while. I had a horrible time (emotionally) trying to find something I felt good about wearing on my head today--- the wig just didn't feel "normal" to me. It's not ME. I ended up wearing a white hat with a colorful little scarf around it. When you're busy shopping, you forget what you look like anyway. :-) For goodness sake, I have cancer--- so I need to cut myself some slack. :-) RIGHT?

Besides, I'll have hair again soon enough and will then spend more time in the bathroom--- maybe I'll even miss being bald. It's easier maintenance! :-)

Prayer Request

Still trying to bounce back... it's a much slower process this time. I've had to do a lot more around the house today, as it's a lot for Kaylee to manage the three kids and household alone on days when Stephen works both jobs. I'm hoping for an early bedtime tonight, as I haven't been able to nap as needed today. We've fed and bathed the kids early and are settling them with a kids' show and popcorn--- working toward getting them settled for the night.

If anyone's reading this entry, please pray for my grandson. He was admitted to the hospital today. He had fever yesterday and went to the ER. He's going to have some further testing and antibiotics, and as of now he'll spend at least two nights in the hospital. He turned eight weeks old today. Please pray for stamina for his parents, too. Thank you!

Dish Rag

Feeling like a wet rag today ("Jello legs")...just can't seem to reboud as quickly this round. It will be a week tomorrow since chemo was last administered. I think the problem may be due to a combination of not being able to sleep well at night and low blood counts. If I feel this wiped out tom., I'll call the nurse.

It's hard to be patient. I have responsibilities, but have to sit and lay around a lot.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't normally sit still... and if I do, it's at night and I fall aslseep fast. :-)

Stephen and I took the baby to the dollar store today to try and get some party supplies for the twins' upcoming 5th birthday. That was my goal... for something normal for today. The entire time I felt hot and weak, but we got most of what was on the list. :-)

We hope to go out on Wednesday, his next day with one job (rather than two) and finish our birthday present shopping for them.

Kaylee took the twins to VBS today and they had fun. :-)

Tyler, Kanaho and the baby were here today--- the baby is beautiful, healthy and precious. I'm frustrated to not be able to help with the baby like a doting grandma normally would... it's a hard thing to give up.

A positive note--- no bone pain so far (other than around my head last night), and I was expecting it to "hit" today. I hope it won't! I took Tylenol (per a nurse's suggestion) before bed --- to get ahead of it. Also, my sister said she was praying at 3 AM. She may very well have prayed that pain away. :-)

My parents are coming now with something to share for supper. It will be good to see them.

Things Cancer Makes You Thankful For

By God's grace, I'm feeling a bit better today. No nausea. Just lingering exhaustion from the lack of adequate sleep for several days, and perhaps some anemia due to the effects of chemo on blood counts. And, I'm finding a sense of peace again through prayer and the prayers of others.

I appreciate the prayers of others more than they'll ever know... and I pray for God to bless each one.

This morning, when I was showering my bald head I cried and thanked God for sparing my eyebrows and eyelashes so far. It's amazing whatcha' become thankful for when push comes to shove. :-) I asked Him to let me keep them for the duration of the chemotherapy treatments. I know that I don't NEED them, but I really do appreciate them--- in light of having had to let go of my head hair. :-) They give me a lil' sense of dignity and I can still see "me" in the mirrow with those in tact.

And, when eating an assortment of cooked vegetables for lunch today I found myself thanking the Lord again for healing food, and for an appetite to eat it.

Speaking of food--- yesterday, I was craving potatoes, beef (iron?) and vegetables. My husband had the frying pan out to start cooking some meat when a family from the church came by with delicious hamburgers, homemade french fries and corn. God knew... :-) We were so blessed by His goodness through these giving people. We'd never even met them before.

I'm finding so many things to be thankful for during this valley in my life that I wonder --- how truly thankful was I BEFORE having cancer? I hope to never lose sight of the little things--- all of the blessings God tucks into our lives that we can easily overlook when bogged down with the pressures of life, or even with the material things that we get caught up in as we journey along.

I did a bit of studying on the web today at breastcancer.org. I still want to be more informed and prepared for a good discussion with my oncologist on July 6th. Please continue to specifically pray for wisdom on her part with regard to the best regimen to use to complete my chemotherapy treatments.

Also, pray for Stephen as he continues to try and do so much at home while working both jobs again. He's been "superman" but I see exhaustion creeping up on him.

Prayers for Peace, Please

It's been a REALLY hard couple of days... I've had trouble with sleeping and have been quite upset about the allergic reaction experience I had at treatment on Tuesday. The fact that this happened while my doctor is away has made it that much harder. Nothing can be resolved about my care until she returns---and I meet with her on July 6th. There are no immediate answers available. I cannot plan. I do not know what to expect. All that I know is that she supposedly called the cancer treatment staff in response to an email about my reaction and said her plan will be to give me three cycles of AC vs. 4 cycles of Taxol. That doesn't tell me much, and it is disheartening in ways--- because she had been so relieved at one point to NOT give me AC due to the long term more dangerous side effects associated with Adriamycian. I NEED to know if the allergic reaction to Taxotere is leaving us with AC as an ONLY equivilant treatment for my cancer.

I'm so overtired from not being able to sleep much for several nights that I'm having trouble disciplining myself to just PRAY and WAIT until that July 6th appointment.

It's been harder this cycle, too, as I recieved the news of the diagnosis of someone close to me...

I think the reality of what cancer is and what it can do to people is hitting me hard right now. When I look at my little kids and how sweet and precious they are, it devistates me to think of any possibility of dying and leaving them. I love them so much. And, it's killing me to allow them to see me feeling so awful. Today, Sammy said "Mommy, you're always in that chair (recliner)." I try to reassure them, but they still worry. Even the baby rubs my head if I take off whatever is covering my head. She knows Mommy's different.

Due to the chemo, I feel so "blah" physically and it's been frustrating to not be able to do MORE for the kids and in the house. I hate to see my husband working two jobs and trying to hold down the fort at home at the same time. But, i have to remember that it's different this weekend because Kaylee has had to be away for three days. Normally, we'd have her help, too, and "Many hands make light work." I have to be patient. Each day, I'll gain more strength to be able to do more at home again. It's about one week after treatment that it takes me to recover and get back to normal.

If anyone's reading this "rambling post" (I'm so tired and have been so upset about the "up in the air" chemo plan), please pray for peace. I really need PEACE right now.

Getting Through the Sick Days

Just a wee post as the "sick days" of this second chemo cycle play out... it looks like the side effects are right on schedule with the last round of treatment. After a few more days, I should regain my sense of normalcy. I hope so!

The side effects have been so similar, with the exception of my left arm and a little bit of what feels like occasional "heart fluttering". I monitor my blood pressure and it's actually very good---better than my usual borderline/high baseline readings.

I am waiting til I feel better to note questions for my next oncologist's/treatment appointment, but I will definitely go prepared for discussion. I want to know what my options are, including if we can back the dosage of my chemo drugs down a bit.

I have to be honest, yesterday, I felt ready to just QUIT treatment. I woke up crying, discouraged and somewhat depressed. It's a LOT to go through, even when one can maintain the perspective that it's short term, it's a life saving measure, etc.

It is NOT fun. It was very disturbing last night, in my opinion, for my three young children to see me pop off the couch gasping for breath. I had started to doze off while laying on my left side. My husband was reading to the kids in the same room. Suddenly, i felt I couldn't breathe and jumped up to get my husband to help me. I HATE that my kids see me sick! They're too little to really understand, and I feel like I've been trying hard the past couple of days to reassure them while feeling miserable.

I don't know what's going on... if it was drug related (so much junk in my system) or anxiety related from what happened with the allergic reaction to the Taxotere the other day. if it continues, I'll have to call the doc's and get this checked out.

Aside from this "yucky stuff", we are still blessed. God has used people to minister to us in ways that have impacted me in a life changing manner. I want them to know that their kindness goes beyond their thoughtful acts or words... and one of these days I'll find a way to properly convey what I want to say about that! :-)

Fancy Hat Party

This afternoon the twins asked me if they could see my head. I've been keeping it covered with hats, scarves or a wig. Only Kaylee and the baby had seen my baldness.

So, I decided to read to them this amazing library book that a local librarian had bought for us. It is called SAMMY'S MOMMY HAS CANCER. It's short and simple, and it's just enough for their age group. There are pictures with the mom wearing scarves and hats, and it shows her wig on the nightstand. It also depicts the mom's bald head. We made it kind of an adventure to read the book and shared some personalized things that relate to their own mom's cancer situation.

After reading the book, I asked if they still want to see my head. They wanted to. The boys laughed, one said I looked like a man, and all three kids wanted to rub my head. We had fun with it and talked about when my hair would grow back in. I told them I may get new hair that is curly, straight, brown, yellow... we have to wait and see. My little guy who has curly hair has recently said he's going to ask God to give me curls like his. :-)

After playing about mommy's bald head for a bit we all went to my room and had a fancy hat party. The kids, including Kaylee, all tried on my wig, and a whole assortment of hats, scarves, and other hair doo-dads. We really had a great time with it. The kids took it all so well.

I told them that once Mommy's sickness is gone and her hair has grown back, we want to celebrate with a little vacation of some sort. We talked about where we might like to go. Sammy, of course, picked Chuck E. Cheese and the hotel with the swimming pool. Little Stephen is talking of Disney and Sea World. He thinks big, huh? Ha! I don't think that will happen. :-)

I love those kids so much... I always hope and pray that God will restore me to good health and I can raise these babies through to adulthood. They're so beautiful...inside and out. My babies.

They make every day an adventure. Today's big one was when the twins decided to play that there was a fire in their room and call 911. We had no idea! I was resting on my bed and Stephen was balancing the checkbook. The kids had come to him and told him they had a fire, but he knew it was play and thought nothing of it. Soon after, there was a knock on the door. A police officer was there to respond to our 911 call! (The kids had called the dispatcher and hung up before realizing someone was on the line, I guess.) What a shock to us! We apologized, of course, and he was very understanding. I brought the boys to the door to have a teaching moment with Mommy, Daddy and the officer about when it's appropriate to really call 911. It has to be for a true emergency. I'm glad that they realize, though, that our community workers are reliable and will be there if needed.

Oh, what a day! Twins! What one doesn't think of, the other one does. :-)

Sick Day

...having a sick day, but it was entirely expected. My "big nausea day" came two days after the first treatment, as well. This time, I have more nausea drugs to combat the symptoms with, but still feel blah and need to rest. I'll "ride it out". What else would make sense?

I'm thankful for Kaylee's and Stephen's help. It's multiple blessings day... the girls from church came out and cleaned the house. They did the most amazing job...above and beyond, and in such a short time. I'm so grateful! My friend Patty is bringing her "mean french toast" for supper--- Mmmmm. The timing of these helps is great, because Kaylee's got the responsibilityof the three kids today, so having a meal made and the house cleaned lets up on her. There's plenty of work with just the three kids and their needs. Stephen's working two jobs today, too. God's been so good to us through others.

Lots has been going on today--- I've been talking some with the person close to me who's recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm trying to line up some help and support for her. There's just no way you can go through this illness and not want to help someone else. It's truly an awful thing to experience.

Speaking of helping others, for those of you who are reading my blog as to know how to pray for me, I have some thoughts to share with you.

Often times, unless we experience a difficulty that someone else has gone through, we feel so bad for them and wish we knew how to help, and we try and relate as best we can based on what information we have. I'd suggest that there are a gazillion ways to help someone facing any tragedy or crisis. And, you don't have to have a lot of money to do it. :-)

Send a card, make a meal, offer childcare for appointments or sick days, make a short phone call, line up cleaning services or offer to mop a floor, drop off a dessert, ...there are countless ways to encourage without feeling as though you're being intrusive. It's true that some folks are very private during a time of diffculty, but in those cases even a little notecard is nice. It's great to know that you're not alone...and that others are praying and that they care.

I've always felt, in the past, that I shouldn't disturb someone who's having a problem. Now, I think it should be just the opposite... bring a smile and some encouragement in any little way that you're able to. Some days, your thoughtless act might be the ONLY little bit of joy that person receives.

With all of that said, I want to sincerely thank each and every person who reads this blog and prays. I OFTEN sense the prayers of others and this has made an huge impact on me regarding the power of prayer and how important it is to pray for one another. THANK YOU and GOD BLESS YOU.

SAD NEWS

Oh, what a SAD day!

My YOUNG, beautiful relative--- a mother of an infant and preschooler has just received word that she has breast cancer. This girl is so close to my heart that I feel like it's going to break.

I can't release her name without permission, but just know that she is in a great deal of shock and her medical needs are being addressed very, very rapidly. She's getting extremely prompt care, as I did. She's being rushed from step to step to step. It's so fast that it's hard for her to even grasp all that's happening in her life. PRAY FOR HER. (And, that people who can will step up to help her family.)

She said that because I had a breast cancer diagnosis, it prompted her to do a self-breast exam. She found her own lump. Any women reading my blog, I URGE you to do self exams. I never saw the need to do it myself, because I didn't think I had to worry about breast cancer. How I regret it--- my lump was easy to find, and I'd have possibly gotten a more early detection had I been checking. TAKE THE TIME TO CHECK. Early detection SAVES LIVES.

Breast cancer seems to be running rampant these days and it's not discriminating... it can happen to anyone. CHECK!

I've gone for my Neulasta injection. I'm asking for prayer that the bone pain (when the marrow kicks in to generate white cells) that it is more tolerable this time, or that some pain med. may be necessary and help to manage it.

Also, I've received word that my next treatment will be scheduled for sooner than I was expecting--- the very week of my twins' birthday (July 5th) and party! :-( I will need extra hands to pull off their bowling alley party on the 11th. Lots of preschoolers to supervise, and that will most likely be another "bone pain day" (it occurs five days after the injection). Thanks for prayers! I want them to still have their party and enjoy it.

Change of Plans Regarding Treatment

I called the doc's this morning to ask what's going on--- when should I go back in today to finish my treatment (following yesterday's allergic reaction that prevented completion).

A while later I received a call back from the nurse practitioner that had seen me in my doctor's absense. (My oncologist is out of the office until July 6th, but I guess she's answering patient related emails from her staff until the end of this week.)

The NP said that I will NOT go in for treatment today, and that I will NOT get further treatment until JULY 12th when I'm secheduled to meet with my oncologist next. (I'm secheduled for chemo for that day.)

She said that my doc will be changing my treatment plan--- different drugs. (I wonder if this means different cycle time frames as well--- i.e. every two weeks vs. every three). Whatever the case, it's going to mean a change in side effects, scheduling, etc. I don't like feeling so in the dark.

Hopefully, my oncologist will shoot off an email back to the office sometime this week and I'll get some feedback on this situation. The regular nurse for my doc said that it's unlikely the doctor will call me to discuss treatment options, because she does that in person. She said it may be possible that I can see the doc in person the week prior to treatment to discuss things. I made it clear to both the nurse and NP that I WANT to hear from my doctor ahead of time so I can be INFORMED. I dont' want to just show up on July 12th for chemo and not be educated about what's going to go into my body. I believe that they're sensitive to these types of requests.

Now, I need to sit back, feel well, and trust God. I know that ALL things work together for GOOD according to HIS purposes. It's not going to do a bit of good to sit around and worry excessively.

However, I didn't think to ask the NP something I would have liked to had the answer to. I asked the regular RN: "Will missing this one treatment drug this cylcle increase my risk?" She said she cannot answer that. I think that's an "oncologist" question anyway. Again... I just have to trust God. He's faithful to take care of us---in small and big ways.

I'm having some side effects from the Cytoxan. I feel nauseated, but NOT to the point of not being able to eat. I've just had a high protein and fiber breakfast. I feel quite tired. I've tried to do some housework, but need to rest for a while. I don't know WHAT I would do without help from Stephen and Kaylee. I hope that they will have the stamina to "hang in there". If anyone's reading this, please pray for them, too. It can't be easy on them.

Well, there are some great World Cup Soccer games to watch today:
ENGLAND, USA, and GHANA. The whole family needs the rest. The only outside thing that's a must today is going for my Neulasta injection at 4:20 PM. That stimulates the bone marrow to make white blood cells. Pray in advance that the bone pain from that won't be as excrutiating as it was before--- the pain came on Day 5 (so, if that's the case it may "hit" on Sunday.)

Happy Day, All!

UPDATE:
The nurse from my oncologist's office called to say that my doc phoned the office about my situation. She's going to switch my drug treatment plan to THREE more c ycles of AC (Adriamycian and Cytoxan) beginning July 12th. I'll have the treatments every two weeks.

The note included the following: Three cycles of AC vs. four cycles of Taxol. The nurse didn't know what the "vs" meant, but I'm interpreting it as possibly meaning that it'd be an alternative to the Taxol drug. I'm not sure, though. If I reacted to Taxotere (from the Taxine family like Taxol is from), why would they give me four cycles of Taxol AFTER the three cycles of AC?

Although, originally, I was going to have eight cycles of AC and twelve of Taxol (FIVE MONTHS OF CHEMO)... until my Oncotype DX (genetic testing) score came back as favorable regarding recurrance rate. (That's when the doc changed me to the current plan which is NOT going to work now.) With this being stated, I'm wondering if the Taxol (4 cycles) WILL come after the AC, if those three drugs tend to go together? It's just hard to say without talking to the oncologist.

Again, have to trust God in all of this.

One thing that the doc was GLAD about when originally changing my plan to NOT include Adriamycian was that she'd be sparing me the long term effects that that drug can cause: heart pump function damage and leukemia. :-( Now, those will be a concern again.

Just keep on praying!! Thanks so much!

I'm enjoying a visit from my son, his wife and my beautiful seven weeks old grandson. He smiled at me twice this morning. :0) Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of family!

Second Treatment Day

I had my second treatment today--- well, HALF of it. Something unexpected and very unpleasant occured during the beginning of the infusion of my second drug, Taxotere. I had tolerated it well during the first cycle, so I was very surprised to have an allergic reaction today.

My friend Patty D. and I were chatting away while Stephen was running a quick errand at Lowe's. All of a sudden I leaned forward, clutching my stomach, and felt as though I was becoming ill. I thought that maybe it was due to the lunch I'd just eaten, but before that conclusion could prove to be true, my face began to flush up and turn red. By then, the nurse was rapidly approaching me. Once she reached my chair my chest felt like a brick was pressing on it and I was having trouble breathing. My blood pressure quickly reached the 160's. It was a VERY scary experience.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at my friend's face. (She is a breast cancer surivor and I'm incredibly thankful to her for coming to the appointment with me today. I am so glad she was there!)

The nurse promptly shut off the IV to stop the infusion and called for help. Before long there were four nurses around me, and I was being given oxygen. They also put some more steroids into my IV to aid in combating the allergic reaction.

Poor Stephen arrived on the scene about halfway through the ordeal and had a very stunned look on his face. It was quite upsetting to him to find me with oxygen apparatus and looking stressed. He said it reminded him of when I came out from my first surgery and was laying helplessly on the bed in recovery. He just wasn't expecting that. He said that I went in to the O.R. fine yet came out not okay.

The nurse practioner made the decision for me to go home today and she'd speak with my oncologist (who wasn't there today) about what happened. I'll have to go back tomorrow to complete the treatment one way or the other. They'll either give me Taxotere again over a long period of time (it could take up to six hours, when it normally takes one) and watch me carefully during the infusion, OR my doctor will change my drug all together.

The nurse said that it's possible that during my first treatment three weeks ago my body made antigens against the Taxotere so when I was medicated today my body's defenses went to work against it. That must be how allergies operate?

I must admit that I dread going back for hours tom. I have a house full of kidlets and other resonsbilities to think about. But, thankfully, Kaylee is able and willing to care for them.

Stephen has some "big" soccer games he's looking forward to watching tom. I feel bad that my chemo may interfere somewhat with his plans, but on the flip side, there's a flat screen TV in every treatment cubical and we now have "On Demand" sports on our tv in case he misses something. :-) There's ALWAYS a flipside! Right?

There were several blessings today, even with the allergic reaction. My blood counts were good. YAY! The nurse was "right there" to respond to the problem with the Taxotere. My friend Patty came to visit during treatment and it was great to spend time with her. She was so sweet to do that, especially after having gone through this herself not long ago. The kids got to go to Story Time at the library and had fun. My hairstylist (my regular one) was able to trim up the problem areas on WIGGIE and got her "road ready". She LOVED the wig--- THAT boosted my confidence because she's been doing my hair for years and would be honest. :-) BUT...

...as nice as those things are, there's something I was thinking about this morning that I want to share. LIFE IS HARD. We all come from different places in life. We all face challenges and trials. We all have unique experiences as children while growing up, and then all through adulthood. Lots of things that happen along the way mold us, shape us, impact us, affect our perspective on many things... (some positive and many negative) but at the end of the day ...

... we can rest assured that our God is STILL GOD. He offers mercy, grace, peace, and love. There's nothing that He cannot help us through. NOTHING is too big for God. That includes cancer.

All In A Hair...Er, I Mean Day! :-)

Today was Sam's "day on the town" with Mommy and Daddy. Rarely do we go out with just one of the twins, but Little Stephen wanted to stay home today. We decided to go to Super Walmart store birthday shopping for two parties the boys are invited to next weekend. I wanted to get it off my mind and off my "to do" list before going "down for the count" following chemo tomorrow.

Not wanting to fuss with the wig (which feels like "big hair") today---and waiting to have my hair stylist trim up the back a bit--- I decided to wear a scarf that has a cute scrunchie that holds the back tight. It's a great style! For some CRAZY reason, it was easier (emotionally, self-conscious-wise, etc.) to wear that instead of a wig (uh ... HAIR)!

For the most part I was able to just enjoy the shopping experience with my husband and son. I tend to not notice people too much when I'm checking things off my store list anyway. However, TWICE I met intent staring head on--- from two separate ladies. You'd think that when my eyes met theirs they'd have politely looked away or smiled, or something!! NOPE! They just kept on a gazing. After the first encounter, I thought... "Hmmm... maybe when that happens it's best to just smile and ask 'How are you?'" How quickly do you think I forgot my big idea? Yep, very fast! As we were leaving the check-out area another looker was clearly gawking without batting an eyelash. I whispered to Stephen that I was tempted to rip the scarf right off my head and continue walking. :-) Oh, please...pray that I won't do that! I am fully capable of it. It must be the Irish ancestry? Firey Irish temper? It'd be much better to smile or to ignore, wouldn't it?

Once settling into the car and getting my scrupples back, I rationalized that it's basic human nature to be curious. We already attract a lot of attention being a mixed race couple with ... well, gorgeous bi-racial children? :-) (Oops, sorry--- I'm biased in a good way!) I'm used to THOSE types of stares, so why should the "head gawkers" bother me? I think I'll turn it into an opportunity to be ooey-gooey friendly to my people watchers! :-) I might even make some friends! Ha! :-D

Tomorrow I'll get into the chemo rink for "round two". I've already ironed my clothes and picked out my oh-so-fashionable headwear. :-) Stephen and I are thinking of dragging my IV pole to the beautiful waiting area in the treatment section so we can play a game of Matzrap. (My sister and her husband learned this game in Israel. It's so much fun!) We may as well make a date of it, I guess. :-)

I'm dreading the side effects. They lasted for about a week the last time. It was, however, encouraging to hear from another lady who had the same chemo drugs as me that her side effects did NOT worsen (cumulative effect) with each treatment. If I can have ONLY what I had before, that would be MORE than enough.

God has been SO GOOD to me. I was sick and fatigued for a week, had one whole day of intense bone pain, but otherwise have felt GREAT for the past two weeks. THAT is a gift from the Lord to my children. My surgery recoveries and first week of "blah" after the last treatment was upsetting to my little twin Stephen. It's been wondeful for the kids to see me behaving normally in the home for a couple of weeks. They NEEDED their Mom back. I hope and pray for the same this time around.

Before closing today's note, I want to record a blessing from today. The pastor's wife offered to set up weekly cleaning and some meals for us. That will be such a huge help during "chemo weeks". Kaylee will be away Fri-Sun this weekend, and it's a bad time as I'll be recovering from treatment. Stephen's had to take off from work for a couple of days to help me with the house and kids. How NICE it is that during those days, the church ladies will provide meals. It's already a great blessing to enjoy a meal fom my friend Patty's family every Thursday. People have been so good to us (You'll see this in my blog repeatedly, because it's amazing to us!)

The girls from a church sponsored group home program will come over on Thursday morning and clean the house. That's going to be my "in bed day" if the side effects repeat. I got sick two days out last time. WHAT A BLESSING that they are coming!

If anyone wants to pray for specifics, here's tom's schedule:

12:30 PM: lab work (to check my blood counts)
1:00 PM: check-up with nurse practitioner
2:00 PM: nausea meds by IV followed by two hours (one hour for each drug) of chemotherapy

And, Wednesday: Neulasta shot in the afternoon. This caused extreme bone pain four days later the last time. Pray!

Three little angels are waiting for me to read to them, so with that... good-night!

Wiggie

It was a bit of a restless sleep due to the "pricklies" on my head and getting used to sleeping with a cotton cap, but encouragement came in the morning when I sported my wig--- "Wiggie". :-) She's giving me a sense of dignity. I don't know that I'll always wear it, as it's hot, but I feel like ME with it on. I'm wearing it around the house today to get used to the feeling of having it on, and to see how well it stays in place. Here's a picture:

My husband was sweet yesterday. He punched out at work when he knew Kaylee would be going somewhere so I wouldn't be home alone after having my hair shaved off in the afternoon. He knew it was an emotional adjustment. He brought me a KitKat bar. :-) He also picked up some gold hoop earrings for me so I can have something to accent as well as distract away from my turbans and head scarves--- I'd asked him to get some, and he did a great job of picking them out.

I'm trying to work into feeling comfortable enough to go out with a wig on today, and in the future. I may try going to the grocery store with Stephen to pick up milk for the baby. I'm a bit nervous about it. If it were a week day, the older women would be working the registers at the little store nearby. I'm familiar with them as we shop there regularly. On the weekends, the teenagers and college kids run the front end.

Update:

Stephen and I DID go to the grocery store for a few items. We saw some nice people from church, but I wasn't ready to "face" someone I knew yet. We kind of ducked and grabbed what we needed. It was awkward, but I think the best thing to do when you feel uncomfortable is to "dive in" and get used to a situation. I'm trying!

This reminds me of being a VERY shy teenager and wanting so badly to share something during testimony time in a school chapel service (I attended a Chrsitian school and we had weekly chapel meetings). It was so painful to stand up and speak. My legs were shaking like crazy and I felt like crying due to nervousness. As hard as it was, it was a turning point--- and I often think of that day when transitioning somehow in life.

Once returning home from the store we considered taking the kids to lunch at Texas Roadhouse. Wanting Stephen to get to do something special, I decided to "just do it". The neighbor was outside so before leaving I asked her for her honest opinion about the wig. She thought it looks great from the front, but that it needs the very ends in the back trimmed up. (They look split or like uneven layers, she thinks.)

Stephen and the kids got in the car. I fussed with my wig in the mirror and started to "chicken out". I ran upstairs and put a cap and scarf set on instead. Stephen checked out the look and encouraged me to go back up and put the wig back on. He really likes it. With the wig settled back on my head, I got into the car equipped with a headband style scarf. :-) I tied it over the top of the wig and tied it underneath the hair in the back. That seemed to "do the trick" and made me feel that I looked less "wiggie". The wig has much more volume than my natural hair does, so that scarf covered the "poof" a bit. I requested a booth seat and things went well. Stephen kept an eye on the wig and scarf to let me know if they moved at all or needed adjusting. WHAT A GOOD MAN!!?? :-) (I'm sure he'll be glad when I just RELAX about this head stuff!) :-)

We had a nice meal and I was able to forget about the wig for much of the time we were there. The boys had fun, and Kathryn--- well, let's just say she's in the "terrible twos" at almost 20 months of age. Maybe she's not going to go to many restaurants for a while. :-)

I'm writing about this hair experience, because I have a feeling it's going to be very valuable down the road. I want to remember what it is like (every detail) so that when I'll meet someone else in this situation, I'll be able to refer back to how I felt when losing my hair.

Naturally, I KNOW down deep inside that this will seem somewhat trivial at some point--- but right now, I have to be honest and say it has been very, very traumatic.

My Hair is GONE and I Am Relieved!

Thank God (literally) that it is OVER! I could not stand to find one more clump or strand falling out --- I am SO RELIEVED that it's gone. Kaylee came home from a wedding and shaved it off with our clippers. I cannot adequately describe the relief that I am feeling. No more anxiety about hair coming out. It's done.

Actually, I like the turbans and scarves MUCH better than the short-short haircut that I had for two days. These combination head pieces are cute. I believe I CAN go out for Father's Day without feeling too bad in these things.

After Kaylee cut my hair I wanted to shower. It actually felt good to wash my head without clumps of hair falling out when I touched it.

I looked in the mirror at my "battle scars" from my surgeries and at my relatively bald head and my first thought was "By God's grace, I am STILL STANDING." And, I am still ME.

The interesting thing in all of this is that I now know where my oldest son got his head shape from. :-) And, the double cowlick (sp?) that both Tyler and Sammy have on their top of their heads. MAMA! I can't get over how much my son Tyler and I look ALIKE with my hair cut like this. Yep, he's my "baby"!

Thank you, Lord! It's over and I'm at peace.

Clumps

The hair loss aspect of chemotherapy is quite a hurdle for most women. It's a PROCESS. You know it's going to happen, and you even get an idea of which week of treatment it may start to fall out. You go out and buy your wig and assorted head coverings. You might not love those items, but you start to get more and more used to them as you look at them, touch them and try to accept that they will be part of you for several months in the near future. And, in my case, I had my hair cut shorter, into a bob at a certain point. Once my hair started falling out a few days ago I went to the salon and had it cut into a very short style---about 2" all over. The second haircut was VERY hard and I still am not sure that it's "me" when I look in the mirror. I see "face" with SOME hair. :-/ People offer really great words of encouragement--- "Your hair will grow back, and it will be more beautiful than before."; "You may get curly hair when it grows in again."; "You will look beautiful even without your hair."; "It will be fun to see what color it first grows in as." All of those statements mean a lot to me and I value the sweetness behind them. But, really, there is no way to just "snap into acceptance" regarding hair loss. It is very, very difficult.

It's not just a change in appearance. It's ANOTHER thing that cancer takes from you. It's one more thing. We surrender our sense of normalcy (routine, lifestyle) and begin to live our lives around doctor's appointments, surgeries, recoveries, chemo treatments, trips to the lab, "sick days" from chemotherapy, dependence on others... the list gets longer. And, then --- we lose our hair.

I've always felt so bad when I hear that someone has been diagnosed with cancer---but I couldn't relate in the way that I can now. It CHANGES you. It becomes part of you, your life, and your history. Sure, life goes on even with cancer--- but life goes on differently.

I really believe that while it goes on differently, it doesn't have to be all bad. So many aspects of the journey can be turned around and made into something positive. For example, now that I know what it's like to lose my hair, from now on when I see a lady who's obviously going through treatments and has her turban on, I can look her in the eyes and smile warmly. (Instead of being overly awkward and obvious about trying to not stare ---which would probably make her feel more like a leper than a survivor!) I know that the hair loss doesn't "create a monster" or take away who someone is inside.

Well, this morning, when I woke up I touched the back of my hair because the entire back of my head feels numb today. Knowing from another friend's personal account that a weird sensation in the scalp means chunks of hair are going to come out, I was expecting to get a handful. And, I did. :-( I have lost so much hair today. Frankly, it's getting to be too difficult and stressful to see more and more of my hair on the shower floor, on the sink, on my clothes--- I really need to just "take it off". So many have said to take control of it by cutting it off before it controls me. Now, " I get it", because it's my own TIME to get it. I'm ready to "get it". I'm at that point in my hair loss journey. It's going to have to go today or tomorrow morning at the latest. I don't think I can stand the scary experience of showering one more day and fearing how much hair will come out in my hands and on the tub floor. Enough.

The HARDEST part of this for me is witnessing the pain it's causing my husband to see me go through this. He feels so bad for me. I think that I've been tempted to keep "stretching" my hair for his sake--- so he won't have to see me experience the final trauma of losing it all (via clippers). I hope that the fact that I'll be OKAY once it's over will also make him feel okay for me. I WILL survive this.

UPDATE:

Red for strawberries! :-) A relative just stopped in for a surprise visit---and I know it was a lil' gift from God. It's my first time alone with the kids in over a month, and it's an emotional "hair day". I really appreciated having some company for a bit. Why red for strawberries? Well, about 5-10 minutes before my company came, I was washing dishes and thinking about how I'd love to have some fresh local strawberries. What do you think she walked in with and gave to us? :-) Yep, God's always ten steps ahead of us! :-)

Time to Deal with Hair

It's coming out in handfulls now--- as hard as it is, I'm going to have to get it cut today. I can't even think about showering tomorrow morning and holding clumps of wet hair in my hands. If I just touch my hair today soooo much falls out into my hand. :-( SAD!

It's temporary, I know, but still---- show me a woman who wouldn't feel bad about losing her hair even if it's short term?

To compound the emotion--- I received a 3 AM text from the same relative that woke me up the other night due to relationship problems. I'm exhausted. I couldn't sleep again for a few hours after the texting. :-( I'm really angry with the parties involved, because the one causing all of the trouble knows what he/she is doing is wrong. I find that he/she is behaving extremely selfishly given several different circumstances at this time. I CANNOT fix their problems. I have tried to talk to both and their issues just continue. WHY am I being brought into this problem when I am battling cancer? It's "too much". I care, but I cannot fix it. The one who's causing the problems in the relationship needs a heart change--- and that comes from within the person.

UPDATE: I have a 6 PM appointment to cut off my hair and trim my wig today. What a HARD thing to do!! With this entire breast cancer "thing" I've felt like I just get over one difficulty and then have to face another one. Right now, it's overwhelming to look down the road ahead... probably five more chemo treatments (with a sick week following each one), surgery and radiation, and then... 5-10 years of hormone cancer drug treatment---and always looking over my shoulder to see if the cancer has come back.

Strand by Strand

My hair continues to come out stand by strand--- a few here and a few there. I'm not ready to cut it off, as it hasn't thinned out enough to look bad. I hope it won't just start coming out in clumps!

When I plucked a few stray eyebrow hairs today--- it took minimal effort. They came off without any resistance or pain. It was weird!

The twins have been curious about my wig--- it's been drying in the dining room (of all places!) Tonight, little Stephen put it on and ran through the house, making us crack up! :-D Sammy's afraid of it, although he did touch it to see how soft it is. I'm trying to keep things VERY "light" for the twins, as I feel that they're too young to give too much information (about my cancer) to.

I went to a breast cancer support group pot luck lunch today. It was GREAT to connect with other ladies who know JUST WHAT IT IS LIKE to have breast cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, decision making about lumpectomy vs. mastectomy, side effects of medicines, etc. I think it's so important to be in touch with others who've "been there". I learn a lot from this group of women, and the bond they have formed with each other through the group is so awesome. They're women of different ages, mostly 50's -80's. There's one other lady close to my age. Some women have been survivors for over 30 years.

Breast cancer brings people closer together--- you find friends you didn't even know you had.

Last night, our pediatrician paid us a visit again and brought dessert. :-) He's been so thoughtful. Stephen and I still can't get over how kind people have been to our family during this illness. One friend and her family have "spoiled" us with meals one day per week. What a blessing that has been!

Stephen will go back to his second job tomorrow after taking a month off to help me through surgeries and the first chemotherapy treatment. I'm nervous about the transition, because he has been so "solid" for me. He's a safe and soft "place" for me to land, no matter what I've been through from the diagnosis to the surgeries to the first treatment. He's a wonderful person and husband.

Kaylee will be helping me a lot this summer when Stephen is at work. She's done a great job so far of helping by pitching in on housework and child care.

People have not been able to "get over" how healthy I look and how positive I feel these days. It's almost awkward to hear the comments and to see the surprised looks on faces. I sort of wonder if I'm supposed to be much more sick or depressed by now? One guest thought I'd be sick in bed.

I attribute the good health and positive outlook to having a great support system (especially my husband and daughter who have allowed me to get the rest my body needs) and my faith in the Lord. If I had no faith, I think I probably would lie down n the couch for the next several months and feel like giving up. Where would I put my hope? It scares me to think about it.

HAIR

When I was shampooing and rinsing my hair this morning, strands of hair were coming out and wrapping themselves around my fingers. There was also hair at the drain. When I brushed my hair, lots of wet hair collected in the hairbrush. I guess it's starting...

...with that in mind, I talked with my regular hairdresser about when she may be able to remove my hair this week if necessary. I've also talked with the stylist from whom I bought my wig. She demonstrated how to wash my wig today and did the first wash for me. It's ready to 'go'. It's just going to need to be trimmed to suit me once my hair is gone.

I'm bummed---not looking forward to losing my hair. I touch it a lot--- just wanting to know it's still there.

On the flip side--- it's been a nice day for our family. We went to Lowe's and bought some replacement screen for a couple of windows, as well as some play sand for the children. We also took them to the Dollar Tree and to the library. They had a great time. Well... Kathryn was home napping in Kaylee's care, but we brought books home for her. :-)

I'm starting to feel the "count down" til the next treatment -- Tues., June 22nd. It's coming too soon! Stephen's starting to prepare to go back to his second job, maybe even this week. I'll miss him, as he's been a tremendous source of support to me.

Kewl Stuff

We've had some *kewl* stuff to celebrate today. First of all, our family put on our Ghana team colors, hats and scarves to watch the World Cup game between Ghana and Serbia. FUN! The only problem is that my husband and daughter got so excited when Ghana scored a winning goal that they screamed, danced and woke the baby up. Ha!

Kaylee and I made a yummy Thanksgiving dinner for after the game. Samuel informed me that it's not Thanksgiving. :-) Really? Ha!

The Ghana game was exciting, but what was SUPER DUPER EXCITING? My mother-in-law (and other family members) in Ghana was able to see her son (my husband) on Skype today. She hadn't seen him for over six years, and he's her "baby". This has totally tickled my heart. :-) She was also so happy to see our children moving, talking and playing for the first time. We are grateful to older brother George for hooking up the internet in the family home in Ghana. :-) And, how PRECIOUS it was to listen to six year old Dada Boat singing a baby lullaby to Kathryn! :-) I haven't met Dada Boat yet, because the last time I was in Ghana his mom was pregnant with him. I cannot wait to go and see my nieces and nephews again. We miss them all so much!

Last night was restless, but not because of my illness. I was contacted very late by an upset relative and got involved in a problem between two people. I could not sleep all night long, as I alternated between contacting people, praying and being angry at the situation. I hope that hearts involved turn to God as to let Him make a positive difference in that family. I am SO TIRED today.

My hair is still "hanging in there". It's lost it's luster and it's quite flat. It's thinning out a few strands at a time. I find myself touching it a lot. I'm really going to miss it!

Well, with the lack of sleep and the excitement of the day combined, I'm going to nap before running an errand. Tootle-loo!

Almost Normal--- Hip Hip Hooray!

Two WONDERFUL days--- I've woken up without nausea, have felt NORMAL (other than getting tired a bit quickly) and have had an appetite. It seems so good to not feel like a cancer patient for a change. Thank you, Lord!

Yesterday, my twins graduated from preschool and we attended a special time for parents. It was so cute! I can't believe my "babies" are turning five next month and will be going to kindergarten in the fall. :-) :-) I'm already seeing a lot of change in them since this time last year.

I have been doing some housework, and we even took the three little ones to the mall today. We had fun! The twins signed up for a mall kids club and got a ton of cool stuff for just the $5.00 membership. That made their day. Oh, I cannot mention enough how wonderful it felt to go out and do something that felt NORMAL as a family. I did get tired easily and sat down a few times, but that's "nuthin'" like the first week following chemo.

Speaking of chemo, we've rescheduled the next one for Tuesday, June 22nd. We're trying to gradually work backwards from Wednesday treatments to Monday ones. The third chemotherapy infusion is scheduled for July 12th. Just knowing these dates makes me see the end is coming. If all goes well and sickness doesn't delay the schedule, my final one should be at the very beginning of August--- UNLESS we do go ahead with the 5th and 6th cycles for extra insurance.

Whatever the case, four to six treatments sure beats the original plan for 16!!

I've had a restless past couple of nights, because I've been worrying about my hair. Several people have told me that women typically wake up and find clumps of hair on their pillows when it starts to fall out. My hair is due to fall out in the coming days, so it's really on my mind. So, I wake up off and on during the night, feel my hair and look at my pillow. It's a scary feeling, really. I know it will be soon because if I run my hands through my hair, strands come off. Also, my hair is breaking off in several places and thinning in the very front bang area. I have such fine hair to begin with. Although I'm prepared with hats, scarves and a wig--- it's definitely a loss emotionally, too. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and feel like crying. I try to memorize what my hair looks like. Stephen has a picture of me on the face of his cell phone---taken when my hair was a bit longer. It's sweet that he put it there, and I want him to keep it there until my hair comes back, so he can remember what his wife looks like.

Right now, FIFA World Cup excitement has overtaken the house. :0) Fun times!

Kaylee's made breakfast for supper, so I'll sign off here.

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go! :-)

All dressed up and nowhere to go.... well, not quite. :-) I am dressed up a bit, but WANTING to be home. :-) I'm catching up on emails, thank you notes, etc. today and love the "down time".

As far as the dressing up part goes--- that's just for a mental boost. :-) I have decided that this is going to be my "summer of fashion". Ha! If I'm going to lose my hair, I'll just work a bit harder at the other stuff. My nails are painted, I am wearing some nice jewelry (including a new fashion watch--- shopping for those may become a new hobby! Ha!), and I've done my hair and make-up.

Now, normally... I don't take the time to do so much for my appearance, because--- well, I have three kids under the age of five. Ha!! (ummmm....time?) So, all this fashion stuff is to totally combat the effects of chemotherapy. If my hair is going, then I'll learn how to wear hats, scarves and wigs! It can take my hair but it's not going to take my joy!

Done with the shallow "chit chat", and onto the other stuff! :-)

Some people in the world would maybe think I'm a nutcase, because I refuse to lose my joy. :-) (Even when there is pain and and I feel ill!) I may have cancer, but I'm still thankful. Why not? I have family, friends, love, shelter, food, health insurance, access to treatment, and... faith in a God who is faithful and in complete control. There's way too much to be grateful for.

I'm keeping notes to figure out what to expect the next chemo cycle. Apparently, I get "hit" with the worst nausea two days after treatment, and the next day is somewhat better but still bad. Then, the fourth day after the Neulasta shot, I get excrutiating bone pain. The other days in between, I can do some activity but rest when needed.

When that bone pain "hit" me on Tuesday I wasn't expecting it. It was so intense. It started at 4 AM and I laid in bed trying to cope with it. Tylenol didn't touch it. As I laid there hurting I refused to "give in" to the pain entirely. I thought about God's creation--- how beautiful the sky, ocean, grass, flowers, etc. are. And, if God was powerful enough to create those, He was powerful enough to help me get through this painful day. There was comfort in knowing that God is powerful. :-)

Later in the day, I talked with a nurse. She said the bone pain was due to the Neulasta shot stimulating the bone marrow to generate new white cells. Therefore, I knew that the pain was a good sign. I'd rather have white cell counts go up and protect me from viruses and infection than to not have the injection and get sick.

EVERYTHING is subject to perspective! People have told me that having a positive attitude is crucial to getting well. I believe it's true.

We've had some blessings amidst our first "chemo week". We REALLY enjoyed a visit from Stephen's sister Margaret this week. We were sad to see her go. While "auntie" was here she treated the children to McDonald's Happy Meals, styled Kathryn's hair, played with the kids and brought smiles to our faces. I was so glad, too, that Stephen had some special time out shopping with Margaret. It had been three years since he had seen his sister. I hope that we can spend more time with her before her August return to Africa.

The preschool teachers and two moms from the twins' class surprised us with amazing food yesterday. I always say it, and I'll say it again, people have been SO GOOD to us.

Kaylee and I had a fun "mom/daughter" time out on Monday evening. It's just too bad that cancer had to be the movitation to get us out togehter! We went to a LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER meeting at the cancer treatment facility. Cosmetologists donate their time to helping cancer patients learn how to care for their scalp/hair, skin, nails, etc. during treatment time. It's a national organization and it's a wonderful program. Many big name cosmetic companies contribute by giving free skin and beauty products for "kits" to be made for patients. We women were absolutely SPOILED that night. We all walked away with $300 worth of name brand goodies--- some I'd never be able to afford. We had the best time and it was a real morale booster.

While there, I met a woman who's already lost her hair. She had to remove her wig for a moment and I was totally overcome with emotion. Tears welled up and I told her "You still look so beautiful!" She did! Cancer/chemo has removed her hair, but it hasn't taken her beauty.

On a very personal note, I want to share something. Following my divorce, I became kind of exclusive. I went through a lot of changes and adjustments in a short time--- remarriage, the births of three babies in 3 1/2 years, my two oldest children graduating high school and venturing off to other states, and other things. I felt overwhelmed and thought it'd be easier to cope by myself. But, in doing so, I really cut myself off from others (friends, church) quite a bit. There is one lesson that I am EXTREMELY grateful for in this "cancer" thing--- I have learned that people NEED people! Fellowship with others is so important---and it's God's BEST for us. The goodness and kindness of others has softened me so much, and it's been needed. I'm really ENJOYING all of the interactions with people and can't imagine going back to my "reclusive" ways. Ha! I'd be miserable if I were to do that!

Speaking of people, a few blog posts ago I mentioned that there's a person who is feeding on the negative of my cancer. Here's the scoop! ;-) She sells beauty products and I buy them. :-) We chat every week regarding a purchase or delivery. Well... I'm not getting the "How are you feeling? I hope you'll be well soon." kind of "vibes" from her. What I get is "ARE YOU GOING TO LOSE YOUR HAIR?" (with a kind of exclamation of excitement in the question), "Do you STILL have cancer?", "Oh, I thought you may be in the HOSPITAL!" I can't explain it well, but it's not a care and concern kind of deal. It's more like a nosy, need to know thing. I go between feeling annoyed to amused with this, but more than that, I just want her to know that God is BIGGER than cancer. :0) I'm still kicking, because He's still giving me breath. That's the REAL "scoop!" :-)

On that dishy note, I'll close here and enjoy feeling good for today! ;-)

Pain and Head Cold

Oh my goodness! I've had intense pain since 4 AM. It's to be expected, I guess. It's most likely from the Nulasta (sp?) shot that I had the day after chemo. The purpose of the injection is to stimulate the bone marrow to produce white blood cells. The pain is quite excrutiating and Tylenol doesn't touch it. It's in my hips, pelvis, lower back and legs, and occasionally in my jaw and head.

Just now while trying to update the blog, my nose started dripping. I've caught a cold. I guess the concern would be fever--- any temp of 100.4 or higher is a "must call doctor" symptom for chemo patients.

UGH!

Trying to stay encouraged. Still did some things today--- took sister-in-law to bus station with my family, visited an organization that has helped us (they seemed happy when the entire family showed up), voted---- picked up pizza. Stephen drives. He's so good!

Feeling poorly so hope to update more another day. Popsycle, temp time, and heating pad for aches---

GREAT DAY!

Will update better tomorrow, but wanted to write to say it's been a GREAT day with family (sister-in-law from Ghana, parents, son and his family, husband and young children)... and enjoyed going to LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER tonight to learn how to do make-up, hair/hats/wigs, skincare and nails during chemo. That was a wonderful mother-daughter time out for Kaylee and I. I'm so encouraged!! I think it's going to be a head fashion summer! :0)

Learning to live with nausea and other side effects... get out of bed and do as much normal activity as possible. Haev to remember to write about something commical tomorrow--- (the lady who is always waiting for me to have a bad day)... I told Kaylee today that this lady just doesn't know that God is bigger than cancer! :0) (I swear the lady reads the obituaries every day just looking for my name!) Ha! She MUST mean well, somehow, deep down inside? I think we just have funny ways of viewing things in life and she just tends to look for the negative.

Tweeking and editing tomorrow!

Feeling Like a Limp Mop

WOW!

Well, I don't think any of the paperwork, teaching or preparations for chemotherapy could really get one ready for what it's REALLY like.

I have felt like a limp mop today and I think anyone could grab me and clean the floor with me. :-/ I rest for a few hours and then get up to try and do something (i.e. shower, pick up a small mess the kids made, open mail) and then I'm just "shot" and ready to lay down again.

I did take nausea meds throughout the night and am trying to stay on schedule with those. I could strongly smell the eggs Stephen cooked for Sam this morning and the bleach that was used to clean the bathrooms--- and that was from my closed bedroom door on the second floor.

Lots of foods taste metalic. Jello seems to be okay. I'm going to try and eat cube steak, bland potato and well cooked carrots tonight. I was a bit anemic before starting treatment and my red cells are probably being wiped out a bit by now. I'm hoping the steak will help.

I feel SO BAD for my husband to be shouldering so many household tasks without my help. There are a lot of normal "little things" I do that the others don't even know about. Kaylee's helping him, too. She's tired. I think it's going to take time for everyone to get into a routine.

This morning, I told Stephen I can't do this... I can't do this for more than a few days each cycle. It's HARD.

Today, I don't even know HOW I can be effective after all of this---but realistically, I have to remember that once the treatments are over, I should feel normal again.

I'm not writing to complain. I'm writing as almost a plea... but not to anyone in particular. I just feel so cruddy and discouraged.

Stephen's sister isn't coming til tom. morning now... hope to feel somewhat better, to at least be dressed by the time she comes. Couldn't get out of bed til after 11 today.

SICK

The effects of chemo have "hit" me today. Thus, the green--- for nausea. I woke up sick!

I've been sick all day. Not vomitting, but.... so... nauseated.

My mouth (including tongue and throat) are sore and sensitive. I have to rinse with salt and warm water every four hours to prevent sores.

The nurse is calling in a different nausea drug for me to try. She said that whatever nausea drug they gave me by IV on Wed. has probably carried me through til now but has worn off. The nausea pills I take every six hours are not cutting it. I hope the other drug will do the trick, although it makes one sleepy.
:-(

I WANTED to feel good for our weekend visit with Stephen's sister. :-( UGH!

My scalp is sensitive. The hair follicles are being attacked already, then.

My sense of smell is heightened. My husband's shower soap smelled 10 times stronger than usual, as does everything else... cut grass, spaghetti sauce (my daughter just heated it up), my own body lotion... everything.

And, my sense of taste is a bit "off"... a bit metalic.

Welcome to chemotherapy. I hope and pray that God can get me through it without my losing my marbles!!

First Chemotherapy Treatment

First chemo. DONE! Fun? No. Horrible? No. So-so? Yes.

The facility is gorgeous. It's new and it is evident that the designers put some thought into their plans to cater them to the needs of cancer patients.

Some of the treatment "rooms" overlook a beautiful landscape. They're equiped with remote control recliners and televisions. There's room for 1-2 guests.

Most of the nurses are very nice and helpful. I think the one that took care of me yesterday was tired as it was the end of her shift. She was polite, but not overly informative. I was expecting a bit of "teaching time" as it had been explained to me that that would happen on the first day of chemo. I asked her a lof questions, but still went home not knowing some things. I had to contact the pharmacist twice about medications needed to be taken last night--- the nurse hadn't told me what time I could take them. But, overall, it was okay.

I didn't feel anything weird when the medicine was going into my body. They started with the nausea med. and steroid dose via IV. (They had a bit of trouble with my port as the area around it is still swollen.) Next, the Cytoxan (chemo drug #1) and then the Taxotere (drug #2). It took about one hour for each chemo treatment. Stephen and I passed the time by chatting and watching TV, and I worked on a few emails to take up my mind.

The only effect I felt during the IV process was a nasty taste in my mouth when the nurse flushed the line. A friend had given me a heads up to suck on cinnamon flavored hard candy.

Just before leaving I could feel something going on in my GI tract and that continued for a few hours. We stopped at the store for RX's and hot flashes set in, along with fatigue. And, my appetite was strong. I ate a lot when we got home.

I was up during the night--- every 2 to 2 1/2 hours--- due to having drank the 10-12 glasses of required fluids to flush out my system. I drank much of it late in the day and will try and do it earlier today. :0) I'm also taking anit-nausea med's around the clock for a few days.

I wish my grandfather had had access to the nausea meds available to patients now back when he had chemo in 1987. :-( I think of how he made the best of things anyway--- keeping his sense of humor. He was remarkable. I'm glad to know he's in heaven with Jesus and doesn't have to think about illness and pain.

Some of the odd side effects bothered me a bit last night, but really ---not badly. I had some tingling in my right hand, and my feet felt senstive and the soles felt hot for a bit. I continually have mild nausea. It's not much different than having a "not so bad" case of the flu, but it's limiting enough so you can only do a small amount of activity and then have to rest.

I plan to do all that I can to combat side effects. Mouth rinses several times per day to ward off mouth sores. Good hygeine for the family regarding handwashing. Rest. Eat as well as possible (hoping for an appetite to do so). I've been told to WALK!

We'll, we're going to watch a bit of a movie before the kids to go school--- here's to the second day after chemo...

Some thoughts---before the first chemo treatment.

I woke up early due to the baby's fussing at about 6:30. She went back to sleep, but I coudn't. So, the house has been quiet and I've been thinking. Lots of things have come to mind this morning, the day of the first chemotherapy treatment.

God's hand has been evident in so many ways. Just last night, I was reading about the "do's and don'ts" when having low blood counts (platelets, red blood cells and white cells). One of the things to avoid when white cell counts are down is MOLD and mildew.

Well, yesterday afternoon, Stephen and I each did a bit of work in our room. I stored away winter clothes and hung summer ones, and he emptied out his closet floor to locate items we've been saving to send to Ghana with his sister.

While he was cleaning his closet, he found MOLD that we'd not detected earlier in the winter when we had a problem due to a leak in our bedroom roof. Stephen was able to clean that up yesterday, the day before chemo starts. We had no idea it was there!

That is an example of how God is always "there". I'm sure He'd brought it to my mind to suggest to Stephen that we gather those things for Ghanaian family members prior to his sister's visit with us on Saturday.

Other thoughts this morning--- they're a bit more negative, but realistic things that I have to think about, as does any other chemotherapy patient.

I'd thought that I'd come to terms with the fact that two weeks from now I'll lose my hair. I guess I haven't. When picking up my wig from the salon yesterday, I learned that the hairdresser has had trouble ordering my bangs (to insert in my caps and turbans). I panicked. Without the bangs, I feel like I'm about to dive into a pool with my swimcap on when I look in the mirror and see what it's like to wear a cap or turban without bangs. Thankfully, she's going to be at a workshop I'll attend on Monday night about hair, make-up and nails care during chemo, and she said we'll go down to the pharmacy together to look at the bangs for sale there. She said that she may even be able to color treat them to match my hair, or if worse comes to worse she'll make bangs for me! I am SO NOT ready to lose my hair----I really don't know how to cope with this well. People tell me I'll be so uncomfortable from the chemo that I won't care anyway. Stay tuned... I'll be writing about how it actually is to lose it and get by without it. :-)

The other issue I'm trying to resolve this morning is that chemo will most likely induce premature menopause. There is just something about knowing that at age 41--- this is going to be permanently taken from me against my will. Going through menopause naturally is to be expected. But... for me, it's a chapter of my life coming to a close sooner than I was ready for. I know, I know---some say how great it is to be free of monthly hassles. Ha! For me, it runs deeper---it's saying "good-bye" ultra-permanently to the maternal aspect of my life. My heart has been in mothering, and it's been such a gift/blessing to have children---even though we'd not planned to have more, it's still a painful thing to close that door forever.

So, those things are on my mind, but I'm generally feeling aprhensive about starting chemo. today. I'm wondering what it's going to be like when the first IV bag of toxic drug is trickling into my veins. Will I feel it? Will I taste it? I've heard that I might.

Will I get home before the diahhrea side effect kicks in? I hope so.

For me, receiving this first cycle of chemotherapy is symbollic of SURRENDERING. At first, my emotions would allow me to believe that I'm surrendering to a disease in some way. I have no control over this. If I want to live, I have to undergo this treatment which has rotten side effects. It can feel so permanent at times, but it's not. And, actually, I'm grateful that it's temporary and short term, and I do realize that I'm not surrendering in some way--- other than to throw my arms up to the Lord and say "I'm surrendering this burden to You. I can't do it alone. " That puts a whole new spin on the word surrender, and a positive one at that. HE is THERE. HE can do what I cannot do. He can take me through this, and He will. And, He wants to. How foolish I'd be to try and do it on my own when I have a loving God who's reaching for my hand this morning?!

Duh, Kelli! He's got the hair and menopause things under control, too. There is a purpose for everything and He can use ALL of this for good.

THERE! Bring on the chemo!

P.S.
So, I had my little "rituals" (for lack of a better word) this morning. I used my stick shaver for the last time in a while. (Until my hair falls out, I'll have to use an electric razor to prevent infection while having low blood counts. After it falls out...well, no shaving to worry about!)

I washed my hair and thought about how two weeks from now I'll be losing it. I love my new haircut (now that I'm used to it). I thought about how I need my life more than I need my hair, so it's okay for it to go for a while. And, it should grow back. :-)

I thought about how inconvenient it was to have a drain for 26 days and to not be able to enjoy the luxury of a shower for that period of time. (And, trust me, it is a LUXURY!) Well, pffff....the drain's gone and I'm back to showering like nuthin' doin', and it's like I never even missed a shower. :-)

So, the shaving and hair issues----pfff! Temporary. God will use all of this to accomplish something! :-)

And, on a kewl side note--- the director of the local breast cancer support group has linked me up with a survivor who had my same chemo regimine. She said that the first week, she slept a lot and ate little, the second week she felt better, the third week she felt good. YAY!! :0)

Thankful!

God's continually showing us that He is "THERE" during this illness. The way that He is working through the kindness and help of others is hard to fathom--- but it shouldn't be. :-) He is GOD. He is not limited.

Some ladies affiliated with a local group (I'm not naming names as I feel some things should be private out of respect to others involved) put me in touch with an organization that helps families of breast cancer patients. Again, it's hard for us to accept help from others, but we are so GRATEFUL for what this particular "coalition" is doing for our family. They are helping me with head wear during hair loss as well as with some June household bills. I didn't want to ask for anything, but the lady who contacted me helped choose ways to assist us. It has really lifted a BURDEN. Words cannot adequately express how I feel about the goodness of others.

I am learning. Boy, am I learning just what a little kindness can do for someone in a crisis of some sort. I had NO IDEA just how much someone else can truly make a difference in the lives of others by simply giving a few minutes of their time. I WANT TO DO THE SAME!

It doesn't matter if it's a note, a card, a call, a meal, a trinket, etc.--- it's all day brightening "stuff" and it lightens burdens.

People have been SO GOOD to us.

A friend who's had breast cancer called tonight to give me a bit of a supportive "pep talk" about my first chemotherapy treatment tomorrow. She's not feeling well herself, and she works full-time, yet she set aside some time to call. So THOUGHTFUL!

Stephen and I were able to tackle some "to do's" today. It's weird--- getting ready for chemo is kind of like "nesting" before having a baby. Ha! I've felt pressured to do this, that and the other, just in case I'm too sick or tired to do those things once chemo starts. I packed up winter clothes and put them in storage and hung summer things. I felt like I was "doing something" to help!

Something that's difficult right now is that I know my daughter-in-law NEEDS help with my newborn grandson. He's not sleeping well at night due to problems with gas and constipation, and he's also wanting to be held most of the time. This poor girl is so alone--- her mom is in a foreign country, I'm sick, my son's step-mom works full-time, and she's had little opportunities to make friends since moving to our state a few months ago. I am VERY frustrated that I can't do for her like I want to. I wish I could watch the baby while she sleeps, clean her apartment for her, make meals for her and my son---- it's quite agonizing. Anyone who is reading this blog--- please, please pray for help to come to her side. She really does need it. This is her first baby and she'd never been around young infants before.

Well, it's time to get some sleep before the "big day". Chemo's scheduled for 2:30 PM and each drug should take one hour to administer by IV---- two drugs = two hours. I am hoping and praying for management for any side effects. I've been studying about chemo "do's and don'ts" tonight and have made a check-list for my new routine (temp. checks, mouth rinses four times per day, etc.)

I also hope to feel well enough to host our weekend company--- my sister-in-law from Ghana and whoever she brings with her.