Clumps

The hair loss aspect of chemotherapy is quite a hurdle for most women. It's a PROCESS. You know it's going to happen, and you even get an idea of which week of treatment it may start to fall out. You go out and buy your wig and assorted head coverings. You might not love those items, but you start to get more and more used to them as you look at them, touch them and try to accept that they will be part of you for several months in the near future. And, in my case, I had my hair cut shorter, into a bob at a certain point. Once my hair started falling out a few days ago I went to the salon and had it cut into a very short style---about 2" all over. The second haircut was VERY hard and I still am not sure that it's "me" when I look in the mirror. I see "face" with SOME hair. :-/ People offer really great words of encouragement--- "Your hair will grow back, and it will be more beautiful than before."; "You may get curly hair when it grows in again."; "You will look beautiful even without your hair."; "It will be fun to see what color it first grows in as." All of those statements mean a lot to me and I value the sweetness behind them. But, really, there is no way to just "snap into acceptance" regarding hair loss. It is very, very difficult.

It's not just a change in appearance. It's ANOTHER thing that cancer takes from you. It's one more thing. We surrender our sense of normalcy (routine, lifestyle) and begin to live our lives around doctor's appointments, surgeries, recoveries, chemo treatments, trips to the lab, "sick days" from chemotherapy, dependence on others... the list gets longer. And, then --- we lose our hair.

I've always felt so bad when I hear that someone has been diagnosed with cancer---but I couldn't relate in the way that I can now. It CHANGES you. It becomes part of you, your life, and your history. Sure, life goes on even with cancer--- but life goes on differently.

I really believe that while it goes on differently, it doesn't have to be all bad. So many aspects of the journey can be turned around and made into something positive. For example, now that I know what it's like to lose my hair, from now on when I see a lady who's obviously going through treatments and has her turban on, I can look her in the eyes and smile warmly. (Instead of being overly awkward and obvious about trying to not stare ---which would probably make her feel more like a leper than a survivor!) I know that the hair loss doesn't "create a monster" or take away who someone is inside.

Well, this morning, when I woke up I touched the back of my hair because the entire back of my head feels numb today. Knowing from another friend's personal account that a weird sensation in the scalp means chunks of hair are going to come out, I was expecting to get a handful. And, I did. :-( I have lost so much hair today. Frankly, it's getting to be too difficult and stressful to see more and more of my hair on the shower floor, on the sink, on my clothes--- I really need to just "take it off". So many have said to take control of it by cutting it off before it controls me. Now, " I get it", because it's my own TIME to get it. I'm ready to "get it". I'm at that point in my hair loss journey. It's going to have to go today or tomorrow morning at the latest. I don't think I can stand the scary experience of showering one more day and fearing how much hair will come out in my hands and on the tub floor. Enough.

The HARDEST part of this for me is witnessing the pain it's causing my husband to see me go through this. He feels so bad for me. I think that I've been tempted to keep "stretching" my hair for his sake--- so he won't have to see me experience the final trauma of losing it all (via clippers). I hope that the fact that I'll be OKAY once it's over will also make him feel okay for me. I WILL survive this.

UPDATE:

Red for strawberries! :-) A relative just stopped in for a surprise visit---and I know it was a lil' gift from God. It's my first time alone with the kids in over a month, and it's an emotional "hair day". I really appreciated having some company for a bit. Why red for strawberries? Well, about 5-10 minutes before my company came, I was washing dishes and thinking about how I'd love to have some fresh local strawberries. What do you think she walked in with and gave to us? :-) Yep, God's always ten steps ahead of us! :-)