Prayers for Peace, Please

It's been a REALLY hard couple of days... I've had trouble with sleeping and have been quite upset about the allergic reaction experience I had at treatment on Tuesday. The fact that this happened while my doctor is away has made it that much harder. Nothing can be resolved about my care until she returns---and I meet with her on July 6th. There are no immediate answers available. I cannot plan. I do not know what to expect. All that I know is that she supposedly called the cancer treatment staff in response to an email about my reaction and said her plan will be to give me three cycles of AC vs. 4 cycles of Taxol. That doesn't tell me much, and it is disheartening in ways--- because she had been so relieved at one point to NOT give me AC due to the long term more dangerous side effects associated with Adriamycian. I NEED to know if the allergic reaction to Taxotere is leaving us with AC as an ONLY equivilant treatment for my cancer.

I'm so overtired from not being able to sleep much for several nights that I'm having trouble disciplining myself to just PRAY and WAIT until that July 6th appointment.

It's been harder this cycle, too, as I recieved the news of the diagnosis of someone close to me...

I think the reality of what cancer is and what it can do to people is hitting me hard right now. When I look at my little kids and how sweet and precious they are, it devistates me to think of any possibility of dying and leaving them. I love them so much. And, it's killing me to allow them to see me feeling so awful. Today, Sammy said "Mommy, you're always in that chair (recliner)." I try to reassure them, but they still worry. Even the baby rubs my head if I take off whatever is covering my head. She knows Mommy's different.

Due to the chemo, I feel so "blah" physically and it's been frustrating to not be able to do MORE for the kids and in the house. I hate to see my husband working two jobs and trying to hold down the fort at home at the same time. But, i have to remember that it's different this weekend because Kaylee has had to be away for three days. Normally, we'd have her help, too, and "Many hands make light work." I have to be patient. Each day, I'll gain more strength to be able to do more at home again. It's about one week after treatment that it takes me to recover and get back to normal.

If anyone's reading this "rambling post" (I'm so tired and have been so upset about the "up in the air" chemo plan), please pray for peace. I really need PEACE right now.