Some thoughts---before the first chemo treatment.

I woke up early due to the baby's fussing at about 6:30. She went back to sleep, but I coudn't. So, the house has been quiet and I've been thinking. Lots of things have come to mind this morning, the day of the first chemotherapy treatment.

God's hand has been evident in so many ways. Just last night, I was reading about the "do's and don'ts" when having low blood counts (platelets, red blood cells and white cells). One of the things to avoid when white cell counts are down is MOLD and mildew.

Well, yesterday afternoon, Stephen and I each did a bit of work in our room. I stored away winter clothes and hung summer ones, and he emptied out his closet floor to locate items we've been saving to send to Ghana with his sister.

While he was cleaning his closet, he found MOLD that we'd not detected earlier in the winter when we had a problem due to a leak in our bedroom roof. Stephen was able to clean that up yesterday, the day before chemo starts. We had no idea it was there!

That is an example of how God is always "there". I'm sure He'd brought it to my mind to suggest to Stephen that we gather those things for Ghanaian family members prior to his sister's visit with us on Saturday.

Other thoughts this morning--- they're a bit more negative, but realistic things that I have to think about, as does any other chemotherapy patient.

I'd thought that I'd come to terms with the fact that two weeks from now I'll lose my hair. I guess I haven't. When picking up my wig from the salon yesterday, I learned that the hairdresser has had trouble ordering my bangs (to insert in my caps and turbans). I panicked. Without the bangs, I feel like I'm about to dive into a pool with my swimcap on when I look in the mirror and see what it's like to wear a cap or turban without bangs. Thankfully, she's going to be at a workshop I'll attend on Monday night about hair, make-up and nails care during chemo, and she said we'll go down to the pharmacy together to look at the bangs for sale there. She said that she may even be able to color treat them to match my hair, or if worse comes to worse she'll make bangs for me! I am SO NOT ready to lose my hair----I really don't know how to cope with this well. People tell me I'll be so uncomfortable from the chemo that I won't care anyway. Stay tuned... I'll be writing about how it actually is to lose it and get by without it. :-)

The other issue I'm trying to resolve this morning is that chemo will most likely induce premature menopause. There is just something about knowing that at age 41--- this is going to be permanently taken from me against my will. Going through menopause naturally is to be expected. But... for me, it's a chapter of my life coming to a close sooner than I was ready for. I know, I know---some say how great it is to be free of monthly hassles. Ha! For me, it runs deeper---it's saying "good-bye" ultra-permanently to the maternal aspect of my life. My heart has been in mothering, and it's been such a gift/blessing to have children---even though we'd not planned to have more, it's still a painful thing to close that door forever.

So, those things are on my mind, but I'm generally feeling aprhensive about starting chemo. today. I'm wondering what it's going to be like when the first IV bag of toxic drug is trickling into my veins. Will I feel it? Will I taste it? I've heard that I might.

Will I get home before the diahhrea side effect kicks in? I hope so.

For me, receiving this first cycle of chemotherapy is symbollic of SURRENDERING. At first, my emotions would allow me to believe that I'm surrendering to a disease in some way. I have no control over this. If I want to live, I have to undergo this treatment which has rotten side effects. It can feel so permanent at times, but it's not. And, actually, I'm grateful that it's temporary and short term, and I do realize that I'm not surrendering in some way--- other than to throw my arms up to the Lord and say "I'm surrendering this burden to You. I can't do it alone. " That puts a whole new spin on the word surrender, and a positive one at that. HE is THERE. HE can do what I cannot do. He can take me through this, and He will. And, He wants to. How foolish I'd be to try and do it on my own when I have a loving God who's reaching for my hand this morning?!

Duh, Kelli! He's got the hair and menopause things under control, too. There is a purpose for everything and He can use ALL of this for good.

THERE! Bring on the chemo!

P.S.
So, I had my little "rituals" (for lack of a better word) this morning. I used my stick shaver for the last time in a while. (Until my hair falls out, I'll have to use an electric razor to prevent infection while having low blood counts. After it falls out...well, no shaving to worry about!)

I washed my hair and thought about how two weeks from now I'll be losing it. I love my new haircut (now that I'm used to it). I thought about how I need my life more than I need my hair, so it's okay for it to go for a while. And, it should grow back. :-)

I thought about how inconvenient it was to have a drain for 26 days and to not be able to enjoy the luxury of a shower for that period of time. (And, trust me, it is a LUXURY!) Well, pffff....the drain's gone and I'm back to showering like nuthin' doin', and it's like I never even missed a shower. :-)

So, the shaving and hair issues----pfff! Temporary. God will use all of this to accomplish something! :-)

And, on a kewl side note--- the director of the local breast cancer support group has linked me up with a survivor who had my same chemo regimine. She said that the first week, she slept a lot and ate little, the second week she felt better, the third week she felt good. YAY!! :0)