Radiation and Lymphodema

I am discouraged today. Just when I had started to feel like there are too many medical appointments to fit into my life once again--- I got some more. This week, I have had three appointments, and next week I'll have five (six, if we count Kathryn's two year old check-up).

These on top of trying to help my parents when possible during this time of poor health for Dad, babysitting my grandson so my son and his wife can avoid the high cost of daycare, taking care of my own three small children and all of the other tasks that a woman has to take care of in her home. I DO have help from my husband and daughter, but there are a lot of things that the "mom" of the house does to keep things running smoothly. I really NEED to have some rest during the next couple of months as I heal from surgery, deal with lymphodema and face radiation. And, continue to recover from the effects of chemo. HOW to get this balance with so much caregiving to do?

It's a difficult thing, because I WANT to function normally and help my family members, but at what physical cost am I doing these things? There doesn't seem to be much of a choice, though. I AM needed.

My dad was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday late afternoon, and he shouldn't have been. He was clearly not well enough to go home. The poor man came to my home and had no medications for the evening or morning. He can't get by without his medicine. I called a pharmacy to see if we could get his night pills--- it took some time and some work--- but I was able to get them. It was a late evening of running and caregiving. Thankfully, Stephen was on vacation (although it's not been much of one with so much medical with me and Dad) and could tend to the kids while I tended to Dad and Mom. Dad is really not well at all, and it's a huge worry. It's very hard to accept this. I can't fix it. I don't want him to struggle. But... again, I can't fix it. And, I have no idea what Mom will do if something happens to Dad. She's going to need care, too. I'm the only daughter who lives in the same state, although my sister is doing all she can from her location. Usually, it's daughters who do the caregiving for elderly parents. I worry about being able to manage it all while still dealing wtih cancer care, three very small children, a grandbaby, and just the demands of life in general. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. It's not that I don't want to help everyone else, but I am not physically up to it. It scares me! I'm scared that if my body can't recover well due to so many demands, and the stress of those demands, that I will get cancer again.

Now, for radiation. My breast needs to clear up before we can start. The incisions are healing very well, but I have a redness that could be from infection or something else. I'm on antibiotics. Both the surgeon and radiation oncologist want it to clear up before beginning radiation treatment. In 1 to 1 1/2 weeks I'll go for "simulation" (?), including a CAT scan, tatooing, etc. Then, a few days later, radiation should start--- 33 treatments, going Monday through Friday every week til it's over.

I'm NOT happy about the risks. I'm NOT happy about having MORE side effects. So, now, let's see... risk of leukemia from my chemo, risk of uterine cancer from my Tamoxifen, and now a risk of other cancers from radiation. GREAT. :-/

And, let's not forget the other risks, and the unpleasant side effects. And, the "running" every day for treatment (on top of everything else).

I am so TIRED of medical this, that and the other. I feel like I live inside a broken body. I didn't enjoy circling "cancer" under my medical history at the physical therapy office today. It was almost like I just couldn't believe it's true--- a shock all over again.

Yes, phsical therapy. I have stage one lymphodema. I'll have physical therapy three days per week for one hour and wear a compression sleeve. :-( I'm so discouraged. Yet, if we don't try to clear this up now it can get worse. Once it gets to stage two, we'll not be able to get rid of it. This is going to be a LIFE LONG issue. I am not supposed to use the arm hard, hurt it, reach too hard for something, get bug bites or scratches on that arm/hand., no blood draws, now blood pressure checks on that side.. the list goes on. After a while, as I age, my lymph nodes are going to wear out on that side (because since so many were removed there aren't enough to do the work) and I'll likely have a lot more swelling issues.

I am 41, but I feel like an elderly person. It doesn't seem to feel too fair to me right now. Especially with raising small children.

I shouldn't have done the wallpaper removal in the dining room. It was too taxing for that arm. GRRRR! And, I felt so happy to be doing something NORMAL again, before radiation sets me back again.

Honestly, I hope there will be some sense of reprieve soon---- a break, or permission to not have to do so much caregiving for even a day--- I wish someone could tell me it's okay to have a day off to take care of my body. It's been through a lot: four surgeries, CAT scan, mammograms, ultrsounds, biopsies, bone scan, chemotherapy, lymphodema, medications with side effects....

There is a great sense of LOSS that comes from having cancer and treatment.

I try to balance it by thinking of people who are worse off and being grateful for what I still have, but there are days when I am human enough that I have to do my grieving. It has been OVERLOAD for several months now.