Looking Ahead

Looking ahead toward the "next step"-- radiation. I have an appointment with my surgeon tom. for a post-surgery exam, and one with my oncologist on Oct. 27th. Eventually, one of them will refer me for a consultation with a radiation oncologist and I'll begin my six weeks of radation treatments. I've heard it usually starts up about a month after surgery. I am hoping to be able to finish before Christmas--- as to not be dragging through daily appointments at a time that I want to have energy to have fun with my children.

I went to a "young survivor's" support group meeting today. It's comforting and refreshing to spend time with other young-ish women who have 'been there" or are "there". As hard as anyone else tries to empathize and understand, no one truly "gets it" like someone else who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. It is a really traumatic experience, and it comes with unique challenges.

All of that said, but not with the intention of underestimating the importance and effectiveness of the support of family and friends to anyone battling breast cancer. It's intergral to have those supportive people in one's life and I can't fathom going through something like this without "support people". It would be HORRIBLE!

At the same time, I'm feeling the importance of connecting with other survivors. In their company, one can "let her hair down" (pun intended) and feel a sense of normalcy during a very uncertain and abnormal time in her life. In a group with other bald women baring battle scars and coping with treatment side effects--- there's a sense of belonging when you don't quite feel like you blend in with the general population any longer. To put it mildly, I feel like I'm "walking wounded" these days. I feel uncertain about my health. I know how REAL cancer is. My life will never be the same. I'll never look at my life the way that I used to. Before getting cancer, I was well. I didn't think about illness, and I didn't have to know what it's like to function with an illness. Now, I am reminded of my diagnosis every time I look in the mirror and each evening as I take my Tamoxifen dose.

One of the hardest things about coping with breast cancer is trying to figure out how to still feel feminine. Losing one's hair is a very emotionally painful experience for a woman. I feel stripped of my femininity. No amount of make-up or jewelry can compensate for what is lost from my scalp. Everywhere I go I see women with their hair in tact. I see them on television. I want my hair. I want to remember what it feels like to run my fingers through my hair.

My hair IS beginning to fill in again, but it's sooo short. In fact, I don't quite have enough hair to qualify for a military buzz cut. Almost, but not yet. It's very soft and I'm grateful that it's growing, but I'm disappointed that it's taken eight weeks just to get this little bit of hair. I'm guessing that it will be January before I'll have about an inch of hair all over my head to gel or do something with. I DREAD "looking like a man" for months. I've never been a short hair kind of person.

On the flip side, I know I should balance out this sense of loss and this frustration with gratitude--- I am alive today. Losing my hair was a small price to pay for having life-saving treatment.

It was encouraging today to meet another survivor (having survived breast cancer TWICE)--- she has nice, long hair again and looks healthy. I'll get there, too, Lord willing.

What I long for is peace and quiet. I need DAYS and NIGHTS--- for weeks--- of a slower paced lifestyle with only the demands of my immediate family. Taking care of three very young busy children and our home is ENOUGH (more than enough) while recovering from chemo and surgery and enduring radiaion. I shouldn't feel guilty for not being superwoman. I need to give myself permission to fall short in some areas, and to not feel guilty for saying "no" to outside demands and requests. If I don't take care of my health and well-being through this cancer experience, how am I going to feel up to caring for my husband and children? And, they are my top priority.

There are other people in our family who need care right now---and this is not a time when I can step up to the plate and take on all of their needs. When I am well again, I will be able to add more responsibility to my life. But, for now, I hope and pray that other relatives who are physically well and financially more able, can attend to more of the needs of others (especially elderly) in the family who need caregiving. I wrestle with false guilt in this area, but I have done the best that I can to reach out in offer help and encouragement to others when I feel like I am barely surviving myself most days. I need to heal and become well again before I can effectively help others. Lately, I'm burning out. What energy I have has to go to my small children. They can't help themselves. They need me.

Most days lately, I feel like I stagger through the days, all while wishing I could have a lot more rest. I NEED an afternoon rest/nap time each day. I NEED to be in bed early at night. I NEED a lot of peace and quiet, and low stress.

This is a season in my life. It will come to pass. But, for now, I need to focus on getting well while tending to the most immediate responsibilities--- my kids.