Struggling Through It

I would definitely agree that it's fair to call getting through cancer treatment a BATTLE. I didn't want to use that word, but it seems to fit.

I have spent the ENTIRE day on the couch. I get off to use the bathroom or eat something. Although, I don't feel hunger and thirst today, I try to eat and sip something. There is a metal taste in my mouth. It doesn't help the appetite.

While laying there, I have felt a great deal of frustration. I have had to rely on Kaylee and Stephen to do everything and I want to be the "super mom" that I've always tried to be. I do things for myself. When Kathryn was waking up from her nap, I wanted so badly to go and get her from her crib myself. I hate that my body won't cooperate.

My daughter-in-law's mother and sister have arrived in town from Japan for a few days. I WANT to offer them a proper welcome. They would like to come and visit me tom. afternoon. I want to see them, but I'm struggling with HOW to get this house clean enough to my usual standard to feel GOOD about having them see it.

With cancer, you lose control over so many things. It is HARD.

I see crayon markings on my wood floor. I want to clean it. I dont' want to ask my family to do it.

I want to help my boys make their birthday thank you notes. NOW. But, I can't.

I want to clean out my fridge.

I want to grow HAIR. I am so sick of looking at myself without hair. It's a control thing. I just want my hair back.

I am in the hardest days of the chemo cycle again... it goes on for so long. It took 10 days to feel good the last time. I had FOUR good days and then more toxic treatment. I honestly don't know that I'd go through this if I didn't have kids to take care of.

Yesterday, the twins had their 5th birthday party with friends and family at the bowling alley. I went. People said I looked good, but I felt like a useless blob. I couldn't prepare for this party like I normally would. I couldn't host it well. I couldn't take the pics that I wanted of the kids bowling. I messed up the video of the kids singing "Happy Birthday". I tried to force myself to talk even when I felt weak and tired, and felt like my conversations weren't complete. When I got home, I felt as though I'd been in a busy subway station with noise and clutter and couldn't get my head clear.

BUT, I think the kids had a GREAT time. They seemed so happy and everything went well for THEM. That is what matters the most. I just hope the other kids had fun and that the parents didn't feel unwelcome or not greeted enough.

Little Stephen and I have already started planning their 6th birthday and I HOPE to make it up to them. I've always enjoyed doing my kids' parties and put a lot of effort into them--- even Tyler's and Kaylee's when they were growing up.

After the party, we went to a relative's house for a family BBQ. It was HARD to not feel well. It was HARD to not pitch in on serving and clean-up. I went because my relative is also sick with breast cancer and I wanted her to know how much we love her. I have to say, even though ill, it was SO GOOD to be with family. It was GOOD to watch the children play with cousins. It was GOOD to hug my sick relative. She did such a wonderful job of hosting and making people feel welcome. She's so special to all of us and it kills me to see her go through what I'm going through---and she'll go through it for longer. (More treatment time)

I couldn't sleep last night... much. I was thinking of her. If i wasn't thinking of her, I was dreaming about her. I'm just so sorry!!

Well, on this "not so positive" note, I'll close. Hoping God will give me strength and rest so I can feel at least human enough to have a decent visit with my son's mother-in-law tom. I feel sorry that I can't do more for her. I hope she understands.