I've cut back on computer usage in order to get things done before surgery, and to focus on the family and home more.
The laboratory that processes the Oncotype DX test called me yesterday to say my insurance covers 100% of the test. That is something to be thankful for! I've heard the test costs $3900!
I was concerned because I'd read that only NODES NEGATIVE patients would benefit from the test, but I found out today (in talking with someone at the lab.) that women with 1-3 positive nodes qualify for the test.
Let's hope and pray that I don't have MORE positive nodes. I'll be surprised if I do. We'll find out next week, I guess.
My next oncology appointment will be on May 21st. I suppose that the time before then will be for healing and will allow all results to come in from both the nodes and wider tissue margin removal and the Oncotype Dx test.
Onward...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Today
I woke up to a "ding" sound this morning. My husband text messaged me from his break at work and asked if I wanted to go out for lunch and to the mall today. :-) WOW! I thought he had vehicle related errands to do, so I was surprised and thankful that he opted to do some fun things. They were a good distraction!
We took the baby for lunch and saw my oldest son at his work. :-) Then, we used some gift cards and coupons for "free $10" towards merchandise to get some things for ourselves as well as the little ones for summer.
The twins were so HAPPY with their new short sets that they kept trying them on this evening. Ha! Two tops have soccer balls on them so they boys put them on to play soccer in the basement. They took green blankets to use as a field and had a great time. :-) It was so cute!
This evening, the three kids and I watched the rest of STEWART LITTLE. Even the baby loves that movie. She sat with us on the couch and laughed a lot. :-) I made french fries and grilled cheese sandwiches (junky stuff kids love) for everyone. We paused the movie to watch American Idol. The kids danced and ate fries, and in the end the boys picked their two favorites for me to vote for. :-)
I was thinking about how important it is, and what a privilege it is to spend time with the kids like that. Therefore, I have tried to catch up on as much email and FB email as possible with the hopes of finding a way to feel "on top of it" and then back off from it some in the coming days and weeks. I want to focus on my kids and husband, and getting well.
I want to call the oncologist's office tomorrow, because everything I've read about the Oncotype DX test is that it is for people with NEGATIVE nodes. I meet the criteria otherwise. I'm just wondering how effective a tool it will be in determining whether or not my tumor will respond to chemo if it's for node negative patients and I have one positive node (so far). I am guessing that it's because my node involvement is microscopic that it's a "gray" enough area that I do qualify for this test?
Anyway...
We took the baby for lunch and saw my oldest son at his work. :-) Then, we used some gift cards and coupons for "free $10" towards merchandise to get some things for ourselves as well as the little ones for summer.
The twins were so HAPPY with their new short sets that they kept trying them on this evening. Ha! Two tops have soccer balls on them so they boys put them on to play soccer in the basement. They took green blankets to use as a field and had a great time. :-) It was so cute!
This evening, the three kids and I watched the rest of STEWART LITTLE. Even the baby loves that movie. She sat with us on the couch and laughed a lot. :-) I made french fries and grilled cheese sandwiches (junky stuff kids love) for everyone. We paused the movie to watch American Idol. The kids danced and ate fries, and in the end the boys picked their two favorites for me to vote for. :-)
I was thinking about how important it is, and what a privilege it is to spend time with the kids like that. Therefore, I have tried to catch up on as much email and FB email as possible with the hopes of finding a way to feel "on top of it" and then back off from it some in the coming days and weeks. I want to focus on my kids and husband, and getting well.
I want to call the oncologist's office tomorrow, because everything I've read about the Oncotype DX test is that it is for people with NEGATIVE nodes. I meet the criteria otherwise. I'm just wondering how effective a tool it will be in determining whether or not my tumor will respond to chemo if it's for node negative patients and I have one positive node (so far). I am guessing that it's because my node involvement is microscopic that it's a "gray" enough area that I do qualify for this test?
Anyway...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Appointment With Surgeon
We met with the surgeon today. My "wounds" are healing well.
We've scheduled my second surgery for next Monday, May 3rd. We could have done it this week, but Stephen and I felt we needed to plan it around his work hours. Next week, he's scheduled to work fewer hours than usual so this means he'll not have to call out as much or take a lot of time off without pay again.
The surgeon will remove a wider margin of breast tissue and all of the nodes on the right side. It's going to be a more involved surgery than the first one and will require an overnight hospital stay. And, I'll come home with a drain. Oh boy! I can expect more pain, but this time around--- no baby shower, no extra commitments--- just rest and get well.
I realized at the appointment today that I had misunderstood some information before. I thought that there wouldn't have been a chance the cancer could spread to my bloodstream if it hadn't gone to the nodes. That's not the case. I was told that if one has cancer then the risk of it going to the bloodstream is present.
Also, thought that the only thing that would take care of microscopic cells that have escaped into the bloodstream would be chemotherapy. I guess that even the hormone therapy drugs can tackle that.
It's confusing sometimes, I think. There's just so much information to learn about, and the surgeon said that there are a lot of different cancer treament drugs.
He said that both he and the oncologist feel optomistic about my situation. It was good to hear that again!
He also addressed the issue of my having trouble letting go of the sense of control over planning (i.e. my summer). He said that this year I have to not plan and take care of my health, and then next year have the illusion of control back. Ha! It's so true--- we can easily think we're so in control of our schedules and plans, but we really don't from one day to the next what's going to happen.
I've been a bit spoiled lately by family members. :-) They've attempted to bring some cheer via my mailbox and it's worked! :-) My sister sent a nice "sisters" magnet and a dainty breast cancer bracelet and scripture card. And, the next day I opened a box with a PINK POODLE in it! :-) She had pink eye make-up attached to her, like a collar and tag. So cute! My sister sent those. :-) Pink, of course, is symbolic of breast cancer awareness.
And, today, I was very surprised to find a box full of Mary Kay cosmetics and skin care items from my cousin. I love Mary Kay and used their products for about 12 years and haven't been able to afford to use them regularly for about a year or so now. NOTHING makes my skin feel and look as healthy as MK. At a time when I feel that my femininity is at stake--- these things will allow me to pamper and feel comforted. I'm vey grateful and appreciate all of the love and support of others. Several have sent very thoughtful notes in the mail, too, and I'm overwhelmed by these kindnesses. I know how busy life is for people, and to think they have taken some time out of their schedules to do something so thoughtful...
And, my cousin's note (included in the box) contained a reminder that GOD is in CONTROL. How timely given that I've been struggling with the sense of a loss of control over my health and body. Yes, GOD is ultimately in control.
We've scheduled my second surgery for next Monday, May 3rd. We could have done it this week, but Stephen and I felt we needed to plan it around his work hours. Next week, he's scheduled to work fewer hours than usual so this means he'll not have to call out as much or take a lot of time off without pay again.
The surgeon will remove a wider margin of breast tissue and all of the nodes on the right side. It's going to be a more involved surgery than the first one and will require an overnight hospital stay. And, I'll come home with a drain. Oh boy! I can expect more pain, but this time around--- no baby shower, no extra commitments--- just rest and get well.
I realized at the appointment today that I had misunderstood some information before. I thought that there wouldn't have been a chance the cancer could spread to my bloodstream if it hadn't gone to the nodes. That's not the case. I was told that if one has cancer then the risk of it going to the bloodstream is present.
Also, thought that the only thing that would take care of microscopic cells that have escaped into the bloodstream would be chemotherapy. I guess that even the hormone therapy drugs can tackle that.
It's confusing sometimes, I think. There's just so much information to learn about, and the surgeon said that there are a lot of different cancer treament drugs.
He said that both he and the oncologist feel optomistic about my situation. It was good to hear that again!
He also addressed the issue of my having trouble letting go of the sense of control over planning (i.e. my summer). He said that this year I have to not plan and take care of my health, and then next year have the illusion of control back. Ha! It's so true--- we can easily think we're so in control of our schedules and plans, but we really don't from one day to the next what's going to happen.
I've been a bit spoiled lately by family members. :-) They've attempted to bring some cheer via my mailbox and it's worked! :-) My sister sent a nice "sisters" magnet and a dainty breast cancer bracelet and scripture card. And, the next day I opened a box with a PINK POODLE in it! :-) She had pink eye make-up attached to her, like a collar and tag. So cute! My sister sent those. :-) Pink, of course, is symbolic of breast cancer awareness.
And, today, I was very surprised to find a box full of Mary Kay cosmetics and skin care items from my cousin. I love Mary Kay and used their products for about 12 years and haven't been able to afford to use them regularly for about a year or so now. NOTHING makes my skin feel and look as healthy as MK. At a time when I feel that my femininity is at stake--- these things will allow me to pamper and feel comforted. I'm vey grateful and appreciate all of the love and support of others. Several have sent very thoughtful notes in the mail, too, and I'm overwhelmed by these kindnesses. I know how busy life is for people, and to think they have taken some time out of their schedules to do something so thoughtful...
And, my cousin's note (included in the box) contained a reminder that GOD is in CONTROL. How timely given that I've been struggling with the sense of a loss of control over my health and body. Yes, GOD is ultimately in control.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Emotional Sunday
Okay, I can "see" that this diagnosis comes with a process of sorts. I am at the 'cutting my losses' stage. I'm not too happy about what I'm losing, but I think once I get through this little emotional detour, I'll realize how much I have to be grateful for in all of this.
I've been upset today that I am losing some control over my body and health (but, does anyone REALLY have control over those things anyway? Maybe we just THINK we do.) I'm not happy that chemo will force me into early menopause at the age of 41. I'm really not happy that I am going to be taking toxic drug therapies that can lead to OTHER health problems just so I can have a chance of surviving this cancer. What choice to I have? NO choice.
So, already, I can't have blood drawn or blood pressure taken on the right side for the rest of my life. Next, the chance of living with lymphodema. And, then the risk of getting uterine cancer and blood clots from taking Tamoxifen. Oh, and let's not forget the loss of my feminity with the hair loss and hormonal side effects of the drugs, although short term. And, ... the next several months of squeezing in the time for another surgery, recovery, and lots of cancer drug treatments. Well, no problem--- I don't have three small children and a house to take care of? And, a first grandbaby on the way and his parents needing my help? So, I can drop everything and just give my life over to cancer for a while? Okay.
All of this is EMOTIONAL "stuff". I know that that is just one aspect of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. The life interuption and loss of sense of control issue.
Down deep, I know God has allowed this for a reason, and that reason is NOT to punish me. It sure does feel like a punishment of sorts, but I know it's not. And, I do recall that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and I know He's waiting beside me --- waiting for me to say "Oh, okay God... You can help me through this." He's not forcing me to rely on Him, but He's waiting for me to. He's not wanting me to shoulder this without Him, and I know He has things to teach me through this. Oh, I will be GLAD to get on the other side of it and grasp those lessons in retrospect.
So, really... emotions are something God created... but they're not what we're supposed to put our stock in. It comes down to grasping God's hand, even when we feel we're feeling emotional.
I've been upset today that I am losing some control over my body and health (but, does anyone REALLY have control over those things anyway? Maybe we just THINK we do.) I'm not happy that chemo will force me into early menopause at the age of 41. I'm really not happy that I am going to be taking toxic drug therapies that can lead to OTHER health problems just so I can have a chance of surviving this cancer. What choice to I have? NO choice.
So, already, I can't have blood drawn or blood pressure taken on the right side for the rest of my life. Next, the chance of living with lymphodema. And, then the risk of getting uterine cancer and blood clots from taking Tamoxifen. Oh, and let's not forget the loss of my feminity with the hair loss and hormonal side effects of the drugs, although short term. And, ... the next several months of squeezing in the time for another surgery, recovery, and lots of cancer drug treatments. Well, no problem--- I don't have three small children and a house to take care of? And, a first grandbaby on the way and his parents needing my help? So, I can drop everything and just give my life over to cancer for a while? Okay.
All of this is EMOTIONAL "stuff". I know that that is just one aspect of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. The life interuption and loss of sense of control issue.
Down deep, I know God has allowed this for a reason, and that reason is NOT to punish me. It sure does feel like a punishment of sorts, but I know it's not. And, I do recall that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and I know He's waiting beside me --- waiting for me to say "Oh, okay God... You can help me through this." He's not forcing me to rely on Him, but He's waiting for me to. He's not wanting me to shoulder this without Him, and I know He has things to teach me through this. Oh, I will be GLAD to get on the other side of it and grasp those lessons in retrospect.
So, really... emotions are something God created... but they're not what we're supposed to put our stock in. It comes down to grasping God's hand, even when we feel we're feeling emotional.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Meeting with the Oncologist
Phew! What a lot of information in one sitting! I'm soooo thankful that a woman from the breast cancer support group met us at the appointment to take notes for us! She took EIGHT pages of notes!!
Before I start to summarize the information from the meeting, I have to say I am THANKFUL to live so close to the cancer center. It's maybe a 5-10 minutes drive depending on how I 'hit' the street lights along the way.
My cancer is stage 2b and my tumor grade is 1. As I understand it, I'm considered at stage 2b because of node involvement. If no cancer is found in my remaining nodes, I'll be moved to stage 2a.
The tumor grade being "1" is good, because it means I had a slow growing, non-aggressive type of cancer.
Even though the cancer found in my node is microscopic, it is the standard of care to do a full axillary node dissection. One of the reasons this is recommended is because I am "young". Since there is some node involvement, they're just going to treat me as if my nodes are positive for cancer.
The oncologist feels that there is less than a 10% chance of finding more positive nodes, but it's best to have them all removed and tested.
She also agrees with my surgeon that more breast tissue needs to be removed, because the DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) did go all the way to the margin of the tissue removed during the first surgery. There's a chance it went beyond the margin.
The next step will be a second surgery to remove the nodes and more breast tissue. I'll meet with the surgeon on Monday and hopefully schedule the next surgery.
I WILL be having treatment, but the second surgery needs to come first, and then I'll have to heal for three to four weeks before starting treatment.
Meanwhile, some things are going to come into play.
One is that my tumor will be sent away for the Oncotype DX test (pray the insurance will cover this--it should). This will give the oncologist information as to my chances of having a reoccurance of this cancer, as well as to if my cancer will respond well to chemotherapy. Moreover, it will give her an idea of how aggressive a chemo drug to use to treat me. The test results take about two weeks to come in.
If my tissue margins are clear of cancer this next time around, then I'll have radiation after the chemo is overwith. If my margins are not clear, I'll have a mastectomy and will not need radiation.
The doctor will do the chemotherapy first. If I need an aggressive chemo drug, I'll have four months of chemo. If I can have a less aggressive form (less toxic), then my treatment will last for eight weeks.
Since my tumor tested STRONGLY positive for estrogen and progesterone. This is a very GOOD thing, because that makes me a candidate for hormone therapy. I'll take hormone therapy (pill form) for 5-10 years. We'll start with a drug that's appropriate for a pre-menopausal patient, and then once I've either been forced into menopause by cancer treatment or go through it naturally, I'll be able to take an even better hormone drug. I guess that estrogen and progesterone positive patients do better with treatment (more options) and have a greater chance of survival.
I tested HER2 NEGATIVE which is a very good thing, she said.
Oh, if the Oncotype DX results show a very low (like ZERO?) percent chance of reoccurance, then I won't need chemo at all. But, I'm not going to allow myself to think in those terms, because I think it's best to be prepared for the likelihood of having chemotherapy. It'd be too disappointing to get my hopes up the other way.
The oncologist put my information into a computer program and came up with a 5% chance that I'll not be alive or cancer free 1o years from now, after having had treatment if I have combined therapies (aggressive chemo, radiation and hormone). That percentage can change for the better or worse once we get the results of the Oncotype DX and lymph node dissection. (More cancer in the nodes would be worse, of course.)
So, in summary, the next step is to have a second surgery while waiting for the Oncotype DX results. The results of those two things will factor into "what next".
The surgeon should be able to conduct the surgery in 1-2 weeks. Then, I'll have to heal for another 3-4 weeks before starting treatment. I asked the oncologist if we're looking at starting treatment in early June. She said "yes". I think the only thing that would delay that would be if I'll need to go for a third surgery (mastectomy).
The crazy, crazy thing that threw me off today is when the nurse told me that because I've had lymph nodes removed I can no longer have my blood pressure taken on the right arm and I can't have blood drawn from there now. I hated feeling like I'd loss control over something so simple. I've ALWAYS had lab workers draw from my right arm, because that side is the most cooperative vein-wise. This just really bugs me!
But, worse than that is that since the cancer went to my node--- there's a chance it's gone into my bloodstream. :-( That is very disturbing. There's no way to check this as it'd be something like a microscopic cell floating around somewhere. My scans didn't find anything, but they can't pick up microscopic cells. I guess this is where chemotherapy would take care of any fragments like that? I'll have to ask to make sure I understand if that is correct. I'm guessing.
Well, long months ahead... I hate to see summer be swallowed up with cancer treatments. :-( Summer's so short here. I feel for my family, because I think it's going to really stink if Mommy's always tired or doesn't feel like going to the beach, etc. But, ya' do what ya' gotta' do. We've got to go through this in order to have a chance of survival. I guess when the kids are older and we explain this to them, they'll be glad to still have their mother around---even if they did miss some trips to the beach one summer.
Before I start to summarize the information from the meeting, I have to say I am THANKFUL to live so close to the cancer center. It's maybe a 5-10 minutes drive depending on how I 'hit' the street lights along the way.
My cancer is stage 2b and my tumor grade is 1. As I understand it, I'm considered at stage 2b because of node involvement. If no cancer is found in my remaining nodes, I'll be moved to stage 2a.
The tumor grade being "1" is good, because it means I had a slow growing, non-aggressive type of cancer.
Even though the cancer found in my node is microscopic, it is the standard of care to do a full axillary node dissection. One of the reasons this is recommended is because I am "young". Since there is some node involvement, they're just going to treat me as if my nodes are positive for cancer.
The oncologist feels that there is less than a 10% chance of finding more positive nodes, but it's best to have them all removed and tested.
She also agrees with my surgeon that more breast tissue needs to be removed, because the DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) did go all the way to the margin of the tissue removed during the first surgery. There's a chance it went beyond the margin.
The next step will be a second surgery to remove the nodes and more breast tissue. I'll meet with the surgeon on Monday and hopefully schedule the next surgery.
I WILL be having treatment, but the second surgery needs to come first, and then I'll have to heal for three to four weeks before starting treatment.
Meanwhile, some things are going to come into play.
One is that my tumor will be sent away for the Oncotype DX test (pray the insurance will cover this--it should). This will give the oncologist information as to my chances of having a reoccurance of this cancer, as well as to if my cancer will respond well to chemotherapy. Moreover, it will give her an idea of how aggressive a chemo drug to use to treat me. The test results take about two weeks to come in.
If my tissue margins are clear of cancer this next time around, then I'll have radiation after the chemo is overwith. If my margins are not clear, I'll have a mastectomy and will not need radiation.
The doctor will do the chemotherapy first. If I need an aggressive chemo drug, I'll have four months of chemo. If I can have a less aggressive form (less toxic), then my treatment will last for eight weeks.
Since my tumor tested STRONGLY positive for estrogen and progesterone. This is a very GOOD thing, because that makes me a candidate for hormone therapy. I'll take hormone therapy (pill form) for 5-10 years. We'll start with a drug that's appropriate for a pre-menopausal patient, and then once I've either been forced into menopause by cancer treatment or go through it naturally, I'll be able to take an even better hormone drug. I guess that estrogen and progesterone positive patients do better with treatment (more options) and have a greater chance of survival.
I tested HER2 NEGATIVE which is a very good thing, she said.
Oh, if the Oncotype DX results show a very low (like ZERO?) percent chance of reoccurance, then I won't need chemo at all. But, I'm not going to allow myself to think in those terms, because I think it's best to be prepared for the likelihood of having chemotherapy. It'd be too disappointing to get my hopes up the other way.
The oncologist put my information into a computer program and came up with a 5% chance that I'll not be alive or cancer free 1o years from now, after having had treatment if I have combined therapies (aggressive chemo, radiation and hormone). That percentage can change for the better or worse once we get the results of the Oncotype DX and lymph node dissection. (More cancer in the nodes would be worse, of course.)
So, in summary, the next step is to have a second surgery while waiting for the Oncotype DX results. The results of those two things will factor into "what next".
The surgeon should be able to conduct the surgery in 1-2 weeks. Then, I'll have to heal for another 3-4 weeks before starting treatment. I asked the oncologist if we're looking at starting treatment in early June. She said "yes". I think the only thing that would delay that would be if I'll need to go for a third surgery (mastectomy).
The crazy, crazy thing that threw me off today is when the nurse told me that because I've had lymph nodes removed I can no longer have my blood pressure taken on the right arm and I can't have blood drawn from there now. I hated feeling like I'd loss control over something so simple. I've ALWAYS had lab workers draw from my right arm, because that side is the most cooperative vein-wise. This just really bugs me!
But, worse than that is that since the cancer went to my node--- there's a chance it's gone into my bloodstream. :-( That is very disturbing. There's no way to check this as it'd be something like a microscopic cell floating around somewhere. My scans didn't find anything, but they can't pick up microscopic cells. I guess this is where chemotherapy would take care of any fragments like that? I'll have to ask to make sure I understand if that is correct. I'm guessing.
Well, long months ahead... I hate to see summer be swallowed up with cancer treatments. :-( Summer's so short here. I feel for my family, because I think it's going to really stink if Mommy's always tired or doesn't feel like going to the beach, etc. But, ya' do what ya' gotta' do. We've got to go through this in order to have a chance of survival. I guess when the kids are older and we explain this to them, they'll be glad to still have their mother around---even if they did miss some trips to the beach one summer.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Very Run Down
The kids have been taking turns with waking up during the night for the past several nights. Normally, they sleep well. It's starting to take a toll on my health as I'm very run down and have caught a cold. Usually, the kids get colds and I don't so much. I've tried to eat healthy things to build my immunity, but it's not going to do the trick without proper rest.
Kathryn cried from 1 AM to 3 AM or so last night. Both Stephen and I took turns checking on her. She was fine, but was awake and fussing. I tried everything I could to tune it out and sleep, but it was impossible. She did the same thing the night before from 3:30 to 5:00 AM. It's hard to let kids "cry it out" when you need sleep yourself.
The previous nights, the twins had gotten up at odd times for one reason or another.
Anyway, Kathryn finally went to sleep after 3 AM and I was able to doze a bit until the cat woke me at 4:30, and then Stephen was up for work at 5:30.
My parents and Kaylee have taken the kids to the library, McDonald's and the playground today to get them out for some fun so I can have some rest. It's been a bit hard to rest, though, with laundry and cooking for the evening meal to think about. It seems like the list never ends... but I'll go back to the couch and rest in a few minutes.
I'd ask anyone to pray specifically for some good sleep at night--- that the kids will sleep well. Otherwise, i don't know how I'm going to bounce back and be ready to take on another surgery and cancer treatments. And, we have a couple of long days coming up... Stephen works two jobs, totalling 13 hours on Friday and then nine hours on Saturday. Two long days back-to-back with the kids wears me out, and that's when I'm not sick. And, Stephen's been wanting to visit his friend for a long time now and would like to do that on Sunday afternoon. I want him to be able to go, because he rarely gets to go out and do something he enjoys... but I know I'm going to be dead tired by the time Sunday rolls around.
First visit with the oncologist on Friday afternoon.
Kathryn cried from 1 AM to 3 AM or so last night. Both Stephen and I took turns checking on her. She was fine, but was awake and fussing. I tried everything I could to tune it out and sleep, but it was impossible. She did the same thing the night before from 3:30 to 5:00 AM. It's hard to let kids "cry it out" when you need sleep yourself.
The previous nights, the twins had gotten up at odd times for one reason or another.
Anyway, Kathryn finally went to sleep after 3 AM and I was able to doze a bit until the cat woke me at 4:30, and then Stephen was up for work at 5:30.
My parents and Kaylee have taken the kids to the library, McDonald's and the playground today to get them out for some fun so I can have some rest. It's been a bit hard to rest, though, with laundry and cooking for the evening meal to think about. It seems like the list never ends... but I'll go back to the couch and rest in a few minutes.
I'd ask anyone to pray specifically for some good sleep at night--- that the kids will sleep well. Otherwise, i don't know how I'm going to bounce back and be ready to take on another surgery and cancer treatments. And, we have a couple of long days coming up... Stephen works two jobs, totalling 13 hours on Friday and then nine hours on Saturday. Two long days back-to-back with the kids wears me out, and that's when I'm not sick. And, Stephen's been wanting to visit his friend for a long time now and would like to do that on Sunday afternoon. I want him to be able to go, because he rarely gets to go out and do something he enjoys... but I know I'm going to be dead tired by the time Sunday rolls around.
First visit with the oncologist on Friday afternoon.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Happy Anniversary to Us!
Today is Stephen's and my sixth wedding anniversary. :-) My husband had a sweet plan for us to go to the hotel we went to for our honeymoon for lunch today, but they only serve dinner. Kaylee could only babysit at lunch-time. So, we went to one of our favorite restaurants-- Texas Roadhouse. I've renamed it "House of Rolls" because my husband is c-r-a-z-y about their bread! Ha! :0)
We also treated ourselves to some cool, new cell phones that have lots of fun features. We've always had basic phones, but now we can take pictures, play music, and other time comsuming but interesting things. :-)
And, what day on the town is complete without a stop at WALMART!? Ha! Stephen was cute, because he stopped us from making it a serious shopping stop because it's our anniversary and we didn't need to spend our day there. Ha!
I'm thankful to have a kind, considerate, loving, patient and wonderful husband!
There's one thing about having a cancer diagnosis-- it's never far from your thoughts no matter what you are doing or where you are. I am able to put it aside in order to enjoy what I'm doing, for the most part, but it's still "there". What I would explain to someone who's not faced a life threatening situation or illness is that things CHANGE once something bad like this happens to you. Something as simple as eating in your favorite restaurant takes on a new meaning. Before this diagnosis, I'd have gone to the restaurant, enjoyed it, and then taken it for granted that I'll be back there again at some point. On with busy life...
Well, today, while eating my salad, it tasted better than usual, the meat was better than usual, and so was the potato... I wanted to enjoy every bite and each flavor as if I may not get to eat there again. I can no longer assume that I will be doing anything at any given point, because we just don't know what tomorrow will bring. I would challenge my friends and family to not take each day for granted and to enjoy the little things and the people in their life like they don't have a promise of tomorrow.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Post-surgery Exam Appointment
Ahhhhh, some relief by way of information! :-) The doctor DID have more than 15 min. to spare! :-) Ha! He's quite throrough and informative, and he answered a lot of my questions before I could ask them. I'm thankful to have a good, experienced and communicative doctor.
Two forms of cancer were found: Invasive (infiltrating) Ductal Carcinoma and Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. I guess they're close friends, as they're walking hand-in-hand together in my case. The IDC came within 2 mm of the margin of tissue removed. The type that came right to the margin is the in situ one. However, they believe that "in situ" leads to the other. Therefore, this ol' girl doesn't want to mess around. When in question-- take more tissue. That's my motto!
Two sentinel lymph nodes were removed. The first one testsed positive for some multiple micromastastes (sp?), however, the adjacent tissue was malignancy free. The second node tested negative (benign).
As I understand it, there isn't a developed way to determine whether or not existing nodes are positive, so the safest route, in my book, is to remove the remaining nodes altogether. However, that option will come with a price: I will have a more involved surgery, an overnight stay in the hospital, have a drain, and--- the biggie is there would be a 15-20% chance of developing lymphodema. :-/ If I weigh the chance to preserve life against some lymphodema/discomfort, I would obviously choose to be safe!
The surgeon strongly recommends running these things by the oncologist to get her input, although his personal opinion is that I should have more tissue and the nodes removed. I was personally "there" at that conclusion before he shared his thoughts. I don't bungy cord jump because of the risk facctors, and I am not interested in keeping any potentially cancerous ANYTHING in my body. :-)
The tumor is both estrogen and progesterone receptor positive which somehow means I am probably a good candidate for hormone therapy at some point. I expect that chemo is going to be necessary as well, and we'd already talked about radiation being the course of treatment for a lumpectomy patient. I think I'm going to have a gamut of "stuff" to contend with.
I told the surgeon I feel like this news (node involvement, more surgery due to the margin issue) is a set-back. He said it's not that, but it just means we'll take a different route toward my cure. He said we can probably do the surgery in two to three weeks, but it's necessary for my body to heal more first. And, he's going on vacation. :-) I guess it'd be selfish to ask him to cancel his vacation just to perform my surgery, huh? :-D
He picked the particular oncologist I'll be seeing for some good reasons. I feel confident that the referral is adequate. I look forward to meeting with her and I already have six questions on a sheet for her. :-)
I have decided that if the next surgery doesn't provide clear margins, I'll donate the entire breast to research!! ;-) Any tissue they take from me --- I want it to go to go research. We need a cure for breast cancer. It's far too prevalant! And, my heart goes out to women around the world where screenings aren't available to most people, as well as to uninsured women in America and elsewhere, because I am sure that ladies are dying and they're not even sure what's wrong with them--- breast cancer. It sneaks up on us and how would we ever know it's there unless we can feel it or have a mammogram?!
And, what is up with the new recommendation that women do not need to begin having routine mammograms until the age of 50?! HELLO! I was 40 when mine was detected by a mammogram screening. Had my doctor not sent me for the test, and had I not had insurance, my cancer could have spread before I reached 50 and I could have been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. What if insurance companies adopt this recommendation to not cover screenings until a woman is 50 years old? WHAT IF... ?
Speaking of staging--- I'm either at Stage 1 or 2. I thought that I'd be catagorized as a stage 2 patient, because I have node involvement. The surgeon told me that because I have a micromastasteses in the one node, it puts me at Stage 1. I don't know if all of my test results are in yet---
Well, what a relief to have more understanding! And, before leaving the doctor's office I asked if he still feels that my case is CURABLE. He said "Yes." I asked if it is AS curable even with the node involvement. He still gave a firm "Yes!" I told him I'm going to put that thought in my head. He said that if it jumps out, to put it right back in there. :-)
Thank you, God, for good doctors!
Two forms of cancer were found: Invasive (infiltrating) Ductal Carcinoma and Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. I guess they're close friends, as they're walking hand-in-hand together in my case. The IDC came within 2 mm of the margin of tissue removed. The type that came right to the margin is the in situ one. However, they believe that "in situ" leads to the other. Therefore, this ol' girl doesn't want to mess around. When in question-- take more tissue. That's my motto!
Two sentinel lymph nodes were removed. The first one testsed positive for some multiple micromastastes (sp?), however, the adjacent tissue was malignancy free. The second node tested negative (benign).
As I understand it, there isn't a developed way to determine whether or not existing nodes are positive, so the safest route, in my book, is to remove the remaining nodes altogether. However, that option will come with a price: I will have a more involved surgery, an overnight stay in the hospital, have a drain, and--- the biggie is there would be a 15-20% chance of developing lymphodema. :-/ If I weigh the chance to preserve life against some lymphodema/discomfort, I would obviously choose to be safe!
The surgeon strongly recommends running these things by the oncologist to get her input, although his personal opinion is that I should have more tissue and the nodes removed. I was personally "there" at that conclusion before he shared his thoughts. I don't bungy cord jump because of the risk facctors, and I am not interested in keeping any potentially cancerous ANYTHING in my body. :-)
The tumor is both estrogen and progesterone receptor positive which somehow means I am probably a good candidate for hormone therapy at some point. I expect that chemo is going to be necessary as well, and we'd already talked about radiation being the course of treatment for a lumpectomy patient. I think I'm going to have a gamut of "stuff" to contend with.
I told the surgeon I feel like this news (node involvement, more surgery due to the margin issue) is a set-back. He said it's not that, but it just means we'll take a different route toward my cure. He said we can probably do the surgery in two to three weeks, but it's necessary for my body to heal more first. And, he's going on vacation. :-) I guess it'd be selfish to ask him to cancel his vacation just to perform my surgery, huh? :-D
He picked the particular oncologist I'll be seeing for some good reasons. I feel confident that the referral is adequate. I look forward to meeting with her and I already have six questions on a sheet for her. :-)
I have decided that if the next surgery doesn't provide clear margins, I'll donate the entire breast to research!! ;-) Any tissue they take from me --- I want it to go to go research. We need a cure for breast cancer. It's far too prevalant! And, my heart goes out to women around the world where screenings aren't available to most people, as well as to uninsured women in America and elsewhere, because I am sure that ladies are dying and they're not even sure what's wrong with them--- breast cancer. It sneaks up on us and how would we ever know it's there unless we can feel it or have a mammogram?!
And, what is up with the new recommendation that women do not need to begin having routine mammograms until the age of 50?! HELLO! I was 40 when mine was detected by a mammogram screening. Had my doctor not sent me for the test, and had I not had insurance, my cancer could have spread before I reached 50 and I could have been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. What if insurance companies adopt this recommendation to not cover screenings until a woman is 50 years old? WHAT IF... ?
Speaking of staging--- I'm either at Stage 1 or 2. I thought that I'd be catagorized as a stage 2 patient, because I have node involvement. The surgeon told me that because I have a micromastasteses in the one node, it puts me at Stage 1. I don't know if all of my test results are in yet---
Well, what a relief to have more understanding! And, before leaving the doctor's office I asked if he still feels that my case is CURABLE. He said "Yes." I asked if it is AS curable even with the node involvement. He still gave a firm "Yes!" I told him I'm going to put that thought in my head. He said that if it jumps out, to put it right back in there. :-)
Thank you, God, for good doctors!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
TIRED
How incredibly frustrating it is to feel SO TIRED. I carry a load of laundry from the basement and fold it, and then I'm exhausted. This is not my normal energy level. Usually, I go-go-go all day long.
Thankful for the love and support of those who keep on encouraging and don't give up on me!
Cleaning lady this morning... huge help! Stephen wants to do some errands, but I don't know if I feel up to joining him. Normally, we do everything together: bill payments, etc. I feel l like I'm not keeping up on my end of things these days.
Even making supper sounds like a big chore later. Normally, it's work, but it's a regular part of my day. I don't like to have my family skimp on nutrition. If nothing else, I make sure we have a hot meal.
Well, maybe we'll have some more answers tomorrow after the appointment with the surgeon. I hope he has time to listen and to talk, because I can't stand not being well-informed.
9:12 PM
The kids are in bed and I'm going soon. I'm feeling very discouraged tonight that I have cancer. As if having three babies within three years and five months wasn't enough to contend with! I am busy. I am tired. This is a major life disruption to my entire household. This is hard on my husband who is already working two jobs, doing household chores, helping raise three babies...
This is hard on my older children who need me to be strong and "doing" things to aid them in life. And, those three little kids need me 24/7. I don't get time off to be sick. HOW is my husband going to shoulder so much for an extended period of time if I cannot be a fair and equal partner due to illness? Okay, so I think I'm getting a bit closer to asking God "why", although I don't want to do that, because I know He has allowed it for whatever reasons and He will bring us through it, even if I don't feel like I can do this sometimes.
I feel angry at the cancer. I want to get the surgeries and treatments overwith, get the hair out of my scalp and grown back in again, suffer whatever pain and aggrivation is going to come with treatement... and get it OVERWITH. I'm ready to get going, because the sooner we start in on trying to cure this mess the sooner I can get back to being the wife and mother that I have been and want to continue being.
When I was putting Kathryn's pj's on tonight and looking at her sweet little face I asked God to PLEASE let me live to raise this child. I don't want to miss ANYTHING during her childhood. That baby is so sweet, happy and special--- HOW could I miss anything?! I CANNOT.
I hope and pray the surgeon has more than 15 minutes to spare tomorrow, because I NEED answers. I NEED to know what it means for me to have some cancer in one of the nodes he removed. I NEED to know when he can get me on the books and get the rest of the potentially cancerous breast tissue out of my body. I don't want to wait for the oncologist to find time for me on April 23rd to hash this overwith. Let's just get the rest of this junk out of my body!
I'm tired of watching people buzz around like everything's fine in the world. It doesn't feel fine to me. My life feels like it's come to a halt and I don't know how to plan any longer. Can I take my kids to the beach this summer without being sick and weak? Can we take them to Storyland like we wanted to simply because they aer four going on five and they're at the perfect age to enjoy it this year? I DO NOT WANT TO MISS A BEAT THIS SUMMER WITH MY FAMILY. And, ... my husband simply wanted to go to Africa this summer to see his mother for the first time in over six years. That wasn't too much to ask. But, cancer. He has to stay home and take care of me. NOTHING is sure anymore. No planning. Just waiting to find out if I can be cured and live. Then, maybe I can have permission to plan ahead and look forward to something with my family again.
Thankful for the love and support of those who keep on encouraging and don't give up on me!
Cleaning lady this morning... huge help! Stephen wants to do some errands, but I don't know if I feel up to joining him. Normally, we do everything together: bill payments, etc. I feel l like I'm not keeping up on my end of things these days.
Even making supper sounds like a big chore later. Normally, it's work, but it's a regular part of my day. I don't like to have my family skimp on nutrition. If nothing else, I make sure we have a hot meal.
Well, maybe we'll have some more answers tomorrow after the appointment with the surgeon. I hope he has time to listen and to talk, because I can't stand not being well-informed.
9:12 PM
The kids are in bed and I'm going soon. I'm feeling very discouraged tonight that I have cancer. As if having three babies within three years and five months wasn't enough to contend with! I am busy. I am tired. This is a major life disruption to my entire household. This is hard on my husband who is already working two jobs, doing household chores, helping raise three babies...
This is hard on my older children who need me to be strong and "doing" things to aid them in life. And, those three little kids need me 24/7. I don't get time off to be sick. HOW is my husband going to shoulder so much for an extended period of time if I cannot be a fair and equal partner due to illness? Okay, so I think I'm getting a bit closer to asking God "why", although I don't want to do that, because I know He has allowed it for whatever reasons and He will bring us through it, even if I don't feel like I can do this sometimes.
I feel angry at the cancer. I want to get the surgeries and treatments overwith, get the hair out of my scalp and grown back in again, suffer whatever pain and aggrivation is going to come with treatement... and get it OVERWITH. I'm ready to get going, because the sooner we start in on trying to cure this mess the sooner I can get back to being the wife and mother that I have been and want to continue being.
When I was putting Kathryn's pj's on tonight and looking at her sweet little face I asked God to PLEASE let me live to raise this child. I don't want to miss ANYTHING during her childhood. That baby is so sweet, happy and special--- HOW could I miss anything?! I CANNOT.
I hope and pray the surgeon has more than 15 minutes to spare tomorrow, because I NEED answers. I NEED to know what it means for me to have some cancer in one of the nodes he removed. I NEED to know when he can get me on the books and get the rest of the potentially cancerous breast tissue out of my body. I don't want to wait for the oncologist to find time for me on April 23rd to hash this overwith. Let's just get the rest of this junk out of my body!
I'm tired of watching people buzz around like everything's fine in the world. It doesn't feel fine to me. My life feels like it's come to a halt and I don't know how to plan any longer. Can I take my kids to the beach this summer without being sick and weak? Can we take them to Storyland like we wanted to simply because they aer four going on five and they're at the perfect age to enjoy it this year? I DO NOT WANT TO MISS A BEAT THIS SUMMER WITH MY FAMILY. And, ... my husband simply wanted to go to Africa this summer to see his mother for the first time in over six years. That wasn't too much to ask. But, cancer. He has to stay home and take care of me. NOTHING is sure anymore. No planning. Just waiting to find out if I can be cured and live. Then, maybe I can have permission to plan ahead and look forward to something with my family again.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Sorting Through It
It seems as though there's a lot of info. to sort through. I'm trying to digest it all and put it in some sensible order. I think it's going to make much more sense when I get MORE information from the surgeon at Friday's appointment. I want to ask for a copy of the pathology report, too. I don't even know what stage my cancer is, but I'm guessing it's Stage 2, because the tumor is 2 cm and there has been some node involvement.
What's driving me bonkers is not understanding what I need to about the lymph nodes. If one of two removed tested positive for a small amount of cancer, then is it possible that there are other cancerous nodes IN MY BODY? How are we going to determine that? Do I just ere on the side of caution and tell the surgeon to "take 'em all" under that arm and risk removing perfectly healthy nodes and the possibility of having lymphedema for the rest of my life? It scares me silly to think that there could be cancer left in any of the nodes, and if we don't detect it and remove it, --- it could spread to my lungs or liver. THIS is an example of why I need to get more information from the surgeon and the oncologist. Lack of knowledge induces FEAR.
I've come to accept that another surgery may be a good idea for removing more breast tissue --- just to make sure we get it all. But, these nodes... I need answers. I need wisdom.
At the breast cancer support group today a lady was sharing in a way that I found to be very disturbing and scary. Thank God the moderator finally brought this woman's speaking to a HALT. I was so overwhelmed that I wondered how I could bolt out the door. When the moderator told the lady that that type of sharing could be scary for a newly diagnosed group member I lost it and started crying. Darn it! I didn't want to do that! I started to wonder if I've come into the group too soon. The women are absolutely wonderful people and the elderly survivors are so endearing--- I don't want to disassociate, but I'm thinking it'd be wise to wait a few weeks until I have a more clear cut plan regarding treatment and can handle hearing about drugs, treatment experiences, etc. The group members are much more ahead in their journey than I am. Right now, all of the drug terminology and side effects talk just upsets me. But, what a GREAT group of women. Strong women!
I'm still so tired that I feel like I move at a snail's pace. I don't want to be a dread to my family. it's frustrating to watch them move quickly around me and doing my chores and responsibilities. I can't beat them to it. I'm just TIRED.
Stephen's taken the kids out back to play as the weather is nice today. I have rented a family movie for us to relax and watch with them when they come in. Tonight, I have to let things go... no sweeping, no cooking... we'll eat leftovers. We'll live.
What's driving me bonkers is not understanding what I need to about the lymph nodes. If one of two removed tested positive for a small amount of cancer, then is it possible that there are other cancerous nodes IN MY BODY? How are we going to determine that? Do I just ere on the side of caution and tell the surgeon to "take 'em all" under that arm and risk removing perfectly healthy nodes and the possibility of having lymphedema for the rest of my life? It scares me silly to think that there could be cancer left in any of the nodes, and if we don't detect it and remove it, --- it could spread to my lungs or liver. THIS is an example of why I need to get more information from the surgeon and the oncologist. Lack of knowledge induces FEAR.
I've come to accept that another surgery may be a good idea for removing more breast tissue --- just to make sure we get it all. But, these nodes... I need answers. I need wisdom.
At the breast cancer support group today a lady was sharing in a way that I found to be very disturbing and scary. Thank God the moderator finally brought this woman's speaking to a HALT. I was so overwhelmed that I wondered how I could bolt out the door. When the moderator told the lady that that type of sharing could be scary for a newly diagnosed group member I lost it and started crying. Darn it! I didn't want to do that! I started to wonder if I've come into the group too soon. The women are absolutely wonderful people and the elderly survivors are so endearing--- I don't want to disassociate, but I'm thinking it'd be wise to wait a few weeks until I have a more clear cut plan regarding treatment and can handle hearing about drugs, treatment experiences, etc. The group members are much more ahead in their journey than I am. Right now, all of the drug terminology and side effects talk just upsets me. But, what a GREAT group of women. Strong women!
I'm still so tired that I feel like I move at a snail's pace. I don't want to be a dread to my family. it's frustrating to watch them move quickly around me and doing my chores and responsibilities. I can't beat them to it. I'm just TIRED.
Stephen's taken the kids out back to play as the weather is nice today. I have rented a family movie for us to relax and watch with them when they come in. Tonight, I have to let things go... no sweeping, no cooking... we'll eat leftovers. We'll live.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Pathology Results
Talked to the surgeon. I didn't know if I wanted to or not, but then decided to just call and get it overwith.
He said that the tumor went right to the margin of the breast tissue removed, so we're looking at going back in and removing MORE tissue to make sure we got/get all of the cancer. I'd rather not take chances, so I believe I'll want to have the second surgery even as miserable as it will be to do it all again.
ONE node had a small area of tumor involvement. UGHHHHHH! The other node "stuff" removed was clear. So, we're also looking at the possibility of taking more nodes.
The surgeon has suggested that I speak with an oncologist to get her opinion on further surgery. I'll meet with her on April 23rd. We have to meet with her anyway regarding my treatment options and plan for the future.
A second surgery will not occur until I've healed from this one. I'll see the surgeon on Friday, the 16th, to see how the healing is going and to get more pathology report information.
I asked him to give me some GOOD thoughts to put in my head regarding my situation.
He said:
1. the tumor is out
2. aspects show that it was a slow growing form of tumor
3. the tumor is receptive to estrogen (does this mean I'm a candidate for hormone therapy?)
4. the majority of lymph node "stuff" looked good
So, this is a lot to digest. I guess my friend is right. She said that you can make no plans with cancer. I think we have to just take each thing as it comes. If the path leans toward the right, we turn right. If it goes left, we go left. And, I don't think we can think far ahead, because it's too overwhelming.
right now, I'm discouraged and TIRED. I'm very, very tired. I wish I could take a nap, but Stephen and Kaylee are going to work and I'll have the three little ones to look after.
I hope summer won't be a series of cancer apointments-- summer's so short and we wait all year for it.
He said that the tumor went right to the margin of the breast tissue removed, so we're looking at going back in and removing MORE tissue to make sure we got/get all of the cancer. I'd rather not take chances, so I believe I'll want to have the second surgery even as miserable as it will be to do it all again.
ONE node had a small area of tumor involvement. UGHHHHHH! The other node "stuff" removed was clear. So, we're also looking at the possibility of taking more nodes.
The surgeon has suggested that I speak with an oncologist to get her opinion on further surgery. I'll meet with her on April 23rd. We have to meet with her anyway regarding my treatment options and plan for the future.
A second surgery will not occur until I've healed from this one. I'll see the surgeon on Friday, the 16th, to see how the healing is going and to get more pathology report information.
I asked him to give me some GOOD thoughts to put in my head regarding my situation.
He said:
1. the tumor is out
2. aspects show that it was a slow growing form of tumor
3. the tumor is receptive to estrogen (does this mean I'm a candidate for hormone therapy?)
4. the majority of lymph node "stuff" looked good
So, this is a lot to digest. I guess my friend is right. She said that you can make no plans with cancer. I think we have to just take each thing as it comes. If the path leans toward the right, we turn right. If it goes left, we go left. And, I don't think we can think far ahead, because it's too overwhelming.
right now, I'm discouraged and TIRED. I'm very, very tired. I wish I could take a nap, but Stephen and Kaylee are going to work and I'll have the three little ones to look after.
I hope summer won't be a series of cancer apointments-- summer's so short and we wait all year for it.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Super Duper Tired
Whew! I am so so so tired this evening, and sore. Even though I'm tired, it was a nice day.
Kanaho needed company and transportation for her two prenatal appointments today. It was so much fun to attend her ultrasound and see my little grandbaby. :-) We also got to hear the heartbeat for about an hour while she had a non-stress test. :-) Then, after a quick lunch break we went to her OB appointment. Her doctor is also my doc, so it was nice to see her. The baby has gained about 9 ounces since last week's ultrasound check, so that is very good news! :-)
While sitting at both appointments, my sentinal nodes biopsy cut was really bothering me. So, between commitments, I would stick an ice pack under my arm while driving. I've had to use my arm so much today with housework, cooking, driving, etc. I cannot wait to sit down and REST on the couch. It's very hard to get a chance to do just that. We have a busy household.
The surgeon said he'd call today or tomorrow with my pathology results. I'm kind of glad he didn't call today, because I'm very tired. I think I can absorb the news better after having a good sleep. Here's hoping that the baby WILL sleep through the night tonight. She was crying at 4:30 this morning.
I still cannot get over all of the love and support of others who are praying for me. Every day I hear of someone else who's been praying or thinking of me. People have been amazingly supportive--- it's really impacting me.
Off to rest...
Kanaho needed company and transportation for her two prenatal appointments today. It was so much fun to attend her ultrasound and see my little grandbaby. :-) We also got to hear the heartbeat for about an hour while she had a non-stress test. :-) Then, after a quick lunch break we went to her OB appointment. Her doctor is also my doc, so it was nice to see her. The baby has gained about 9 ounces since last week's ultrasound check, so that is very good news! :-)
While sitting at both appointments, my sentinal nodes biopsy cut was really bothering me. So, between commitments, I would stick an ice pack under my arm while driving. I've had to use my arm so much today with housework, cooking, driving, etc. I cannot wait to sit down and REST on the couch. It's very hard to get a chance to do just that. We have a busy household.
The surgeon said he'd call today or tomorrow with my pathology results. I'm kind of glad he didn't call today, because I'm very tired. I think I can absorb the news better after having a good sleep. Here's hoping that the baby WILL sleep through the night tonight. She was crying at 4:30 this morning.
I still cannot get over all of the love and support of others who are praying for me. Every day I hear of someone else who's been praying or thinking of me. People have been amazingly supportive--- it's really impacting me.
Off to rest...
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Today
Yesterday's baby shower for my daughter-in-law went very well. I am so thankful to the people who helped make the party a successful, special time for Kanaho. It's overwhelming, really, ---the kindness of others.
Kanaho and Tyler received some much needed baby items. It was so sweet to see Tyler 's happy smiles when he popped in for a few minutes for some of the shower. He and Kanaho are so excited about their baby's upcoming arrival, and I have to say-- I cannot wait to see that grandbaby!
During the shower, I felt quite weak and extremely tired. There were times when my body just wanted to sink into the recliner and drop off to sleep. I hope that my health issue wasn't too much of a distraction from Kanaho's special time. It was really frustrating to not be able to dig in and to properly host the shower, but everytime I went to the kitchen to try and do something, i was shoo'd away and everything was in good hands. :-) I have to say, I feel very very blessed that my older kids have a "present" step-mother who wants to be involved in their lives. She was a great help with the shower yesterday. I wish that ALL children of divorce would be able to experience that type of a relationship. My husband and their stepmom are rare examples of very gracious step-parents.
The doctor is planning to call tomorrow or on Tuesday with the pathology report for the tumor. I'm feeling a bit aprehensive about that, but I'm trying to remember that cancer is a step-by-step process and it doesn't help to get ahead of ourselves along the way. God's taken good care of me this far, and He's going to get us through the rest of this journey.
I hope to rest off and on today. I'm feeling quite weak--- kind of light/faint. I've been able to do some dishes and iron something to wear. Right now, I'd like to get a bath, but it sounds like a huge task. Stephen's been a wonderful help with the kids and laundry. I hope he knows how much his help is appreciated!
Kanaho and Tyler received some much needed baby items. It was so sweet to see Tyler 's happy smiles when he popped in for a few minutes for some of the shower. He and Kanaho are so excited about their baby's upcoming arrival, and I have to say-- I cannot wait to see that grandbaby!
During the shower, I felt quite weak and extremely tired. There were times when my body just wanted to sink into the recliner and drop off to sleep. I hope that my health issue wasn't too much of a distraction from Kanaho's special time. It was really frustrating to not be able to dig in and to properly host the shower, but everytime I went to the kitchen to try and do something, i was shoo'd away and everything was in good hands. :-) I have to say, I feel very very blessed that my older kids have a "present" step-mother who wants to be involved in their lives. She was a great help with the shower yesterday. I wish that ALL children of divorce would be able to experience that type of a relationship. My husband and their stepmom are rare examples of very gracious step-parents.
The doctor is planning to call tomorrow or on Tuesday with the pathology report for the tumor. I'm feeling a bit aprehensive about that, but I'm trying to remember that cancer is a step-by-step process and it doesn't help to get ahead of ourselves along the way. God's taken good care of me this far, and He's going to get us through the rest of this journey.
I hope to rest off and on today. I'm feeling quite weak--- kind of light/faint. I've been able to do some dishes and iron something to wear. Right now, I'd like to get a bath, but it sounds like a huge task. Stephen's been a wonderful help with the kids and laundry. I hope he knows how much his help is appreciated!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
It's a DONE DEAL!
I am home and the cancer is gone!
It was a long... day at the hospital. The wire placement and sentinal nodes prep. was painful. By the time surgery came along I was ready to SLEEP!
Just before surgery, the nurse put something into my IV that sent me packing. The next thing I knew, people were in my face trying to wake me up. I reacted with tears. I don't know if it was due to all of the drugs in my system or the realization that it was OVER.
I felt very nauseated and sore. We stayed in recovery until after closing time!
I couldn't sleep well last night, but have sat around a lot today. The incision site for the lymph nodes removal is VERY sore. The other cut for the lump isn't so bad.
The doctor removed the lump with a good margin of tissue around it, as well as two lymph nodes. He thought they looked good. We'll have a pathology report on Monday or Tuesday.
The doctor called today and said he through what he saw looked good, that he's encouraged and thinks I'm off to a good start. That was good news!
I'm glad tohave some time between recovery and starting on recommended treatments. I feel the need for a lot of rest.
My throat is sore today from the breathing tube used during surgery. The whole thing was a lot to go through. I'm glad it's over and look forward to healing and feeling normal again, with teh peace of mind that the cancer is gone.
Things have happened so fast... it's really something to look back and knwo that this all started LESS than a month ago. Lookhow far we've come already! God's taken good care of me!
Mom and Dad have been here for a few days, for their own appointments as well as to help out in whatever way they've been able to. Tyler, Kanaho and Kaylee helped yesterday, too. People have been so good. Two men visited Stephen at the hospital during the surgery. We are grateful for each and every kindness that has been shown to us.
Today, someone gave me a sweet flower pin that says "hope" and a handmade decration that says "hope" that her husband made. These things mean so much. People really have overwhelmed us wtih thoughtfulness, love, support and friendship. I think that one thing that's happened through this experience is that God has started to melt me a bit. I'd grown a bit isolated and hardened over time due to some of the choices I'd made with my life. I feel like I'm coming full circle again and remembering what it means to minister to otehrs and to be ministered to.
Well, nuff said tonight. It's time to REST! As i close, I'm mindful of God's love, mercy and grace...and His provision and care for His children.
It was a long... day at the hospital. The wire placement and sentinal nodes prep. was painful. By the time surgery came along I was ready to SLEEP!
Just before surgery, the nurse put something into my IV that sent me packing. The next thing I knew, people were in my face trying to wake me up. I reacted with tears. I don't know if it was due to all of the drugs in my system or the realization that it was OVER.
I felt very nauseated and sore. We stayed in recovery until after closing time!
I couldn't sleep well last night, but have sat around a lot today. The incision site for the lymph nodes removal is VERY sore. The other cut for the lump isn't so bad.
The doctor removed the lump with a good margin of tissue around it, as well as two lymph nodes. He thought they looked good. We'll have a pathology report on Monday or Tuesday.
The doctor called today and said he through what he saw looked good, that he's encouraged and thinks I'm off to a good start. That was good news!
I'm glad tohave some time between recovery and starting on recommended treatments. I feel the need for a lot of rest.
My throat is sore today from the breathing tube used during surgery. The whole thing was a lot to go through. I'm glad it's over and look forward to healing and feeling normal again, with teh peace of mind that the cancer is gone.
Things have happened so fast... it's really something to look back and knwo that this all started LESS than a month ago. Lookhow far we've come already! God's taken good care of me!
Mom and Dad have been here for a few days, for their own appointments as well as to help out in whatever way they've been able to. Tyler, Kanaho and Kaylee helped yesterday, too. People have been so good. Two men visited Stephen at the hospital during the surgery. We are grateful for each and every kindness that has been shown to us.
Today, someone gave me a sweet flower pin that says "hope" and a handmade decration that says "hope" that her husband made. These things mean so much. People really have overwhelmed us wtih thoughtfulness, love, support and friendship. I think that one thing that's happened through this experience is that God has started to melt me a bit. I'd grown a bit isolated and hardened over time due to some of the choices I'd made with my life. I feel like I'm coming full circle again and remembering what it means to minister to otehrs and to be ministered to.
Well, nuff said tonight. It's time to REST! As i close, I'm mindful of God's love, mercy and grace...and His provision and care for His children.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Today's THE day!
Cancer, ready or not, you're going to LEAVE today! :-) So, pack your bags!
Hospital at 8:30.
Wire placement at 10:00.
Radioactive solution 11:00.
Surgery at 1:00.
So, no body lotion, no make-up, no jewelry... a humble way to start the day!
No food. No drinks after 9 AM.
Got it. Check!
Mom and Dad are here, Kaylee's here. Kanaho's coming later. The kids have people. Kelli, your kids are going to be well taken care of. Stop worrying. (I can't stop worrying about leaving my toddler who's busy and into everything. Lord, please keep her safe!)
The preschool teachers will walk the boys home after school. So thoughtful! We want to keep the day as normal as possible for them.
I wish Stephen didn't have to sit alone at the hospital during the surgery, but maybe God's already ahead of us and has that covered!
Phew. It's gotta' go, and this is the only way. I have to do this. And, this should be worth a LOT of bites out of the elephant--- maybe a whole hind quarter?! lol
I fear the anesthesia, but I'm telling myself that this is going to be a NICE nap period. I was up at midnight and 4:50 a.m., and then up for the day at 6:30--- and at some point one of the twins came to our room to sleep. So, a nap would be good, right?
I appreciate all the prayers ... so many wonderful, sweet people are praying.
Hospital at 8:30.
Wire placement at 10:00.
Radioactive solution 11:00.
Surgery at 1:00.
So, no body lotion, no make-up, no jewelry... a humble way to start the day!
No food. No drinks after 9 AM.
Got it. Check!
Mom and Dad are here, Kaylee's here. Kanaho's coming later. The kids have people. Kelli, your kids are going to be well taken care of. Stop worrying. (I can't stop worrying about leaving my toddler who's busy and into everything. Lord, please keep her safe!)
The preschool teachers will walk the boys home after school. So thoughtful! We want to keep the day as normal as possible for them.
I wish Stephen didn't have to sit alone at the hospital during the surgery, but maybe God's already ahead of us and has that covered!
Phew. It's gotta' go, and this is the only way. I have to do this. And, this should be worth a LOT of bites out of the elephant--- maybe a whole hind quarter?! lol
I fear the anesthesia, but I'm telling myself that this is going to be a NICE nap period. I was up at midnight and 4:50 a.m., and then up for the day at 6:30--- and at some point one of the twins came to our room to sleep. So, a nap would be good, right?
I appreciate all the prayers ... so many wonderful, sweet people are praying.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Surgery Tomorrow
Surgery tomorrow. Oh boy! It's less than 24 hours away now, and I'm feeling a bit of anxiety. How awkward it was when it "hit" me today in the grocery store when I was by myself and I started crying. That store has been an interesting part of this cancer journey... it's where I was when I got the diagnosis phone call!
I wanted to get a lot of things done before surgery, but I've worked til I am too tired to do more. I hope everything will come together for Saturday's baby shower!
The house has been full of people today-- my parents, my daughter-in-law, my son, the little kids, Kaylee... I don't think I'm alone in this cancer thing! Ha! People have been so good, so thoughtful, so helpful, and so supportive. I HOPE to be THAT useful to others at the other end of this journey. What a DIFFERENCE it makes!
The house is full again--- can't write much now. Well, here we go--- surgery. Then, the tumor study. Then treatment recommendations. It's only JUST beginning.
I wanted to get a lot of things done before surgery, but I've worked til I am too tired to do more. I hope everything will come together for Saturday's baby shower!
The house has been full of people today-- my parents, my daughter-in-law, my son, the little kids, Kaylee... I don't think I'm alone in this cancer thing! Ha! People have been so good, so thoughtful, so helpful, and so supportive. I HOPE to be THAT useful to others at the other end of this journey. What a DIFFERENCE it makes!
The house is full again--- can't write much now. Well, here we go--- surgery. Then, the tumor study. Then treatment recommendations. It's only JUST beginning.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Birthday Tidbits
Today is my 41st birthday. I woke up early this morning to find that Kaylee had decorated the dining room for my birthday. :-) What a nice surprise! I have the most thoughtful daughter in the world!!
Kaylee and I spent a few hours today shopping for presents for my soon-to-arrive grandbaby. Kaylee, excited about being an aunt, had fun selecting things for her niece or nephew, and I have learned that it's true--- grandmothers yearn to spoil their grandchildren. If I could have bought everything I wanted to, I'd have to be wealthy! :-)
After shopping, Kaylee and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and came home. When we arrived, I was eager to show my husband all of my great birthday and baby shower gift finds. But, before we could get started, the phone rang. It was a nurse from the anesthesia department of the hospital.
We talked for 50 minutes about the upcoming sugery on Wednesday. My brain was on "information overload" by the time we hung up. It is going to be a LONG day on Wednesday!! It looks like I'll have a couple of procedure/prep. appointments during the morning and then off to surgery at 1 PM. I'll be at the hospital for about eight hours. I don't like the idea of being away from my baby for that long!!
After finishing the phone conversation, I received a BEAUTIFUL flower arrangement from my sister and her husband. The vase is a beautiful yellow one with a pastel ribbon tied around it. The flowers are mostly yellow (lilies, etc.) and there are some pretty peachy colored small roses nestled within the bouquet. VERY pretty and soooo thoughtful! They're sunny, cheery and they add a touch of spring to the dining room.
The twins surprised me with cards they'd made at school, and Kaylee made a flattened giant peanut butter ball with candles in it before she went to work. :-)
My mother and sister-in-law both called to say "Happy Birthday", and Stephen gave me some pretty sandals and a sweet card.
Stephen and I took the twins and Kathryn to Texas Road House for a late meal and we all had a nice time. :-) We love it there!!
We're going to try and watch a bit of a movie before going to bed. It's late! Tomorrow's going to be VERY busy with more baby shower preparations and getting ready for the next day's surgery. Oh boy! I could feel very uptight right now if I let myself think too much about that!
Kaylee and I spent a few hours today shopping for presents for my soon-to-arrive grandbaby. Kaylee, excited about being an aunt, had fun selecting things for her niece or nephew, and I have learned that it's true--- grandmothers yearn to spoil their grandchildren. If I could have bought everything I wanted to, I'd have to be wealthy! :-)
After shopping, Kaylee and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and came home. When we arrived, I was eager to show my husband all of my great birthday and baby shower gift finds. But, before we could get started, the phone rang. It was a nurse from the anesthesia department of the hospital.
We talked for 50 minutes about the upcoming sugery on Wednesday. My brain was on "information overload" by the time we hung up. It is going to be a LONG day on Wednesday!! It looks like I'll have a couple of procedure/prep. appointments during the morning and then off to surgery at 1 PM. I'll be at the hospital for about eight hours. I don't like the idea of being away from my baby for that long!!
After finishing the phone conversation, I received a BEAUTIFUL flower arrangement from my sister and her husband. The vase is a beautiful yellow one with a pastel ribbon tied around it. The flowers are mostly yellow (lilies, etc.) and there are some pretty peachy colored small roses nestled within the bouquet. VERY pretty and soooo thoughtful! They're sunny, cheery and they add a touch of spring to the dining room.
The twins surprised me with cards they'd made at school, and Kaylee made a flattened giant peanut butter ball with candles in it before she went to work. :-)
My mother and sister-in-law both called to say "Happy Birthday", and Stephen gave me some pretty sandals and a sweet card.
Stephen and I took the twins and Kathryn to Texas Road House for a late meal and we all had a nice time. :-) We love it there!!
We're going to try and watch a bit of a movie before going to bed. It's late! Tomorrow's going to be VERY busy with more baby shower preparations and getting ready for the next day's surgery. Oh boy! I could feel very uptight right now if I let myself think too much about that!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Ugh!
Ugh!
Here it is, Easter morning, and I feel "blah". It's ONLY emotion, and I do realize that. And, I'm remembering this morning that I don't normally have these emotional up's and down's, and that this is related to learning how to cope with and manage the news of this breast cancer diagnosis, as well as accepting the long road ahead to cure this cancer issue I have. I guess it's normal to feel overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? And, I believe that I am experiencing perimenopause at the same time that I'm dealing with breast cancer. That is a double whammy!
When I went to bed last night, I kept telling God "I just cannot believe this. I can't believe that I have breast cancer. " I didn't have any idea before the mammogram. I thought about how I've conducted my life like I'm going to live forever and have taken a lot of things for granted. This cancer business sure is an attention getter--- I'm looking through different lenses all of a sudden. NOTHING feels certain, other than my salvation. My faith.
I need to remember that I DO believe God can do anything. It's funny. I believe He CAN cure my cancer, so why is it so hard to remember that He cares about the emotional turmoil that dealing with cancer causes? He's there to be my comfort and strength even in the little things I struggle with each day (the discouragement, the dread of treatment, when I have bad dreams about cancer (like last night), etc. )
I'm thankful that through it all, He is STILL God--- even when my emotions overwhelm me. He is STILL GOD.
Here it is, Easter morning, and I feel "blah". It's ONLY emotion, and I do realize that. And, I'm remembering this morning that I don't normally have these emotional up's and down's, and that this is related to learning how to cope with and manage the news of this breast cancer diagnosis, as well as accepting the long road ahead to cure this cancer issue I have. I guess it's normal to feel overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? And, I believe that I am experiencing perimenopause at the same time that I'm dealing with breast cancer. That is a double whammy!
When I went to bed last night, I kept telling God "I just cannot believe this. I can't believe that I have breast cancer. " I didn't have any idea before the mammogram. I thought about how I've conducted my life like I'm going to live forever and have taken a lot of things for granted. This cancer business sure is an attention getter--- I'm looking through different lenses all of a sudden. NOTHING feels certain, other than my salvation. My faith.
I need to remember that I DO believe God can do anything. It's funny. I believe He CAN cure my cancer, so why is it so hard to remember that He cares about the emotional turmoil that dealing with cancer causes? He's there to be my comfort and strength even in the little things I struggle with each day (the discouragement, the dread of treatment, when I have bad dreams about cancer (like last night), etc. )
I'm thankful that through it all, He is STILL God--- even when my emotions overwhelm me. He is STILL GOD.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
GOOD day!
There's no doubt in my mind that people have been praying for me today. I can sense it. It has been a very good day. I feel encouraged!
The weather is beautiful and the kids have had a fun time playing outside while I've been preparing for Easter. I'm looking forward to trying to make it a special time for the kids. I've been able to get a lot done--- even the church clothes have been ironed. :-) The day seems to be moving s-l-o-w-l-y which has been GREAT! All the more time to enjoy the warmth and sunshine.
I'm still wrestling with the possibility of losing my hair if chemotherapy is necessary. I find myself sometimes touching my hair before I may not have it. It's kind of odd--- but I want to remember what it looks and feels like. A friend told me that it took several months to get her hair back after stopping chemo treatments, and even then, it was very short. And, at first, it grew in a smokey gray color rather than her nice brown shade. She knows of another lady that the same thing happened to. I don't want smokey gray OR short hair! I don't want to go without eyebrows or eyelashes. It seems as though chemo strips a woman of her femininity. :-/ I KNOW that it's a "small price to pay" to be cured, but still, logic doesn't minimize the emotions that go along with this issue.
People have started to RSVP for my daughter-in-law's baby shower. I'm so excited for her, and it's wonderful to have this happy occasion to think about right now. And, the grandbaby who's going to arrive soon--- it feels like God's bringing a special gift at just the right time, in one sense.
The weather is beautiful and the kids have had a fun time playing outside while I've been preparing for Easter. I'm looking forward to trying to make it a special time for the kids. I've been able to get a lot done--- even the church clothes have been ironed. :-) The day seems to be moving s-l-o-w-l-y which has been GREAT! All the more time to enjoy the warmth and sunshine.
I'm still wrestling with the possibility of losing my hair if chemotherapy is necessary. I find myself sometimes touching my hair before I may not have it. It's kind of odd--- but I want to remember what it looks and feels like. A friend told me that it took several months to get her hair back after stopping chemo treatments, and even then, it was very short. And, at first, it grew in a smokey gray color rather than her nice brown shade. She knows of another lady that the same thing happened to. I don't want smokey gray OR short hair! I don't want to go without eyebrows or eyelashes. It seems as though chemo strips a woman of her femininity. :-/ I KNOW that it's a "small price to pay" to be cured, but still, logic doesn't minimize the emotions that go along with this issue.
People have started to RSVP for my daughter-in-law's baby shower. I'm so excited for her, and it's wonderful to have this happy occasion to think about right now. And, the grandbaby who's going to arrive soon--- it feels like God's bringing a special gift at just the right time, in one sense.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Oh, What a Day!
Ever have one of those days when you know the devil just wants to make you miserable? Well, today was my turn, I guess. :-/
A lady is cleaning our house once per week to help out right now, while we go through this "change of plans" called cancer. Today is cleaning day, but we opted for her to not come because she's very sick with a cold and I don't to catch it while facing surgery. So, the day already looked LONG and overwhelming, and then... a house to clean on top of everything else. Anyone who knows me knows I have to keep a clean house. lol
So, I started in scrubbing the bathroom before the kids woke up... and before long started to feel extremely overwhelmed with all the cleaning, the errands, the baby shower preparations, and just whatever else seems like too much in general these days.
Soon after, the kids woke up and my husband came home. He said he'd help me with the cleaning, and he did. (He's so good!)
Then, the car repair shop owner called to tell us that Stephen's vehicle ended up costing $1160 to bring up to snuff to pass inspection. We were disheartened, because the guy had told us it should cost $800, tops, to do the work. We had JUST paid off our lingering credit card debt (for about the same amount as the repairs) and now we have to put this on our card. I know it could be worse, but it was discouraging news.
So, he rushed the boys to school and then we went to pick up his car. I had to get to Walmart and then make sure to be home by 3:00 as I was expecting a guest. All of this "rush rush" along with a traffic jam going on inside my head about all that I have to do before the baby shower, Easter and the surgery. And, I was tired. And, I was starting to feel emotional again about the road ahead with this cancer business. I was starting to feel overloaded by this point in the day.
After leaving Stephen off to get his vehicle, I stopped by the post office drive-thru to pick up stamps before racing to Walmart. I pulled up to the window and the teller asked "Where is your DRIVER today?" I asked "Driver?" (This really took me by surprise.) She said "Yeah, the one who's always driving when you come here." Knowing that I go there with my husband most of the time, I asked "My husband? He's driving a different vehicle right now." She looked confused and said "Oh, it must be your SON." I said "No, my son is married and drives his own car." She said "Oh, when you said he's driving his own vehicle I thought maybe he was driving with you before on his learner's permit and is now driving his own car because he got his license." I very un-Christian-like asked, with a stone face, "Is he BLACK?" She said "Yes." I said "He is MY HUSBAND." With that, she turned away, kind of smuggly, and went to retrieve my stamp order. She returned to the window and gave me my things, reciting my total due. I said "He either looks really young, or I look really old." She said with a high pitched voice "Oh, you both look GREAT!" No apology.
I cannot tell you how upset this made me. So upset that I called the post office to file a complaint. The phone rang and rang and rang until the call disconnected. So, I called again and guess who picked up on the SECOND RING? Yep, the same woman who'd made the assumptions about who Stephen is. I asked for a manager or supervisor. She stumbled around for words and said she'd only been there for a short while and hasn't seen either of the managers. She asked if I wanted to speak to someone named "Joan" (not the real name). I asked "Is she a manager?" She informed me of something about this Joan, but I didn't catch it. So, Joan picked up the phone. I asked "Are you a manager?" She said she isn't, but that she works out back. I proceeded to tell her what my complaint is. She asked me "Do you want to speak to her (the offender) or do you want me to do it?" I answered "Both." So, she put me on hold for a long time and finally came back and said "I apologize for the delay. She is with a customer. Do you want to continue to hold?" I told her I couldn't continue to hold because I had soem commitments (I was very much behind schedule.) I asked her for the overall manager's name and she told me, but she said he won't be in until Monday. I asked her to please inform "the offender" that she shouldn't make assumptions like that and what she said to me was very inappropriate. Joan told me she'd already informed this other lady that she needed to speak with her when she had a minute.
Well, as disturbing as it was at the time, this is just ONE MORE example of how EMOTIONAL dealing with a cancer diagnosis is. EVERYTHING in your life is much more emotional. You can have a strong day and feel like "I can do this!" and then the very next day one little thing can cause all of your fears and emotions about the cancer to come flooding to the surface.
I've talked with some breast cancer survivors and all of them have said that it is a VERY emotional situation and that there were times when they'd just cry. Their emotions were all over the place. It's hard. It is VERY VERY HARD. No matter what you are doing with your day, or how busy you are, or how thankful you are, or how much faith you have--- this is a HARD, EMOTIONAL situation.
With all that said, I had three very strong days in a row prior to today. I think most of the days have been and will be "strong days'. I hope for patience and understanding for the rough times.
A breast cancer survivor came to visit today. It's really very meaningful to have people who've "been there" to talk with. She's given me encouragement about possible treatment and even told me about someone who can help me get a really good wig that will look natural, should the need arise. She's come to the other side of this illness, and that is encouraging to know and see.
I've been wearing a bracelet that a sweet, elderly lady gave to me at the support group the other day. It's made of pink and white beads and it says "HOPE". She quietly slipped it onto my wrist and hugged me. She made it herself, and I believe she's been a survivor of 38 years now. I can't bare to take off this bracelet. So thoughtful.
And, people have been so kind, supportive and loving. I appreciate each one so much!!! This is something you just don't go through alone.
A lady is cleaning our house once per week to help out right now, while we go through this "change of plans" called cancer. Today is cleaning day, but we opted for her to not come because she's very sick with a cold and I don't to catch it while facing surgery. So, the day already looked LONG and overwhelming, and then... a house to clean on top of everything else. Anyone who knows me knows I have to keep a clean house. lol
So, I started in scrubbing the bathroom before the kids woke up... and before long started to feel extremely overwhelmed with all the cleaning, the errands, the baby shower preparations, and just whatever else seems like too much in general these days.
Soon after, the kids woke up and my husband came home. He said he'd help me with the cleaning, and he did. (He's so good!)
Then, the car repair shop owner called to tell us that Stephen's vehicle ended up costing $1160 to bring up to snuff to pass inspection. We were disheartened, because the guy had told us it should cost $800, tops, to do the work. We had JUST paid off our lingering credit card debt (for about the same amount as the repairs) and now we have to put this on our card. I know it could be worse, but it was discouraging news.
So, he rushed the boys to school and then we went to pick up his car. I had to get to Walmart and then make sure to be home by 3:00 as I was expecting a guest. All of this "rush rush" along with a traffic jam going on inside my head about all that I have to do before the baby shower, Easter and the surgery. And, I was tired. And, I was starting to feel emotional again about the road ahead with this cancer business. I was starting to feel overloaded by this point in the day.
After leaving Stephen off to get his vehicle, I stopped by the post office drive-thru to pick up stamps before racing to Walmart. I pulled up to the window and the teller asked "Where is your DRIVER today?" I asked "Driver?" (This really took me by surprise.) She said "Yeah, the one who's always driving when you come here." Knowing that I go there with my husband most of the time, I asked "My husband? He's driving a different vehicle right now." She looked confused and said "Oh, it must be your SON." I said "No, my son is married and drives his own car." She said "Oh, when you said he's driving his own vehicle I thought maybe he was driving with you before on his learner's permit and is now driving his own car because he got his license." I very un-Christian-like asked, with a stone face, "Is he BLACK?" She said "Yes." I said "He is MY HUSBAND." With that, she turned away, kind of smuggly, and went to retrieve my stamp order. She returned to the window and gave me my things, reciting my total due. I said "He either looks really young, or I look really old." She said with a high pitched voice "Oh, you both look GREAT!" No apology.
I cannot tell you how upset this made me. So upset that I called the post office to file a complaint. The phone rang and rang and rang until the call disconnected. So, I called again and guess who picked up on the SECOND RING? Yep, the same woman who'd made the assumptions about who Stephen is. I asked for a manager or supervisor. She stumbled around for words and said she'd only been there for a short while and hasn't seen either of the managers. She asked if I wanted to speak to someone named "Joan" (not the real name). I asked "Is she a manager?" She informed me of something about this Joan, but I didn't catch it. So, Joan picked up the phone. I asked "Are you a manager?" She said she isn't, but that she works out back. I proceeded to tell her what my complaint is. She asked me "Do you want to speak to her (the offender) or do you want me to do it?" I answered "Both." So, she put me on hold for a long time and finally came back and said "I apologize for the delay. She is with a customer. Do you want to continue to hold?" I told her I couldn't continue to hold because I had soem commitments (I was very much behind schedule.) I asked her for the overall manager's name and she told me, but she said he won't be in until Monday. I asked her to please inform "the offender" that she shouldn't make assumptions like that and what she said to me was very inappropriate. Joan told me she'd already informed this other lady that she needed to speak with her when she had a minute.
Well, as disturbing as it was at the time, this is just ONE MORE example of how EMOTIONAL dealing with a cancer diagnosis is. EVERYTHING in your life is much more emotional. You can have a strong day and feel like "I can do this!" and then the very next day one little thing can cause all of your fears and emotions about the cancer to come flooding to the surface.
I've talked with some breast cancer survivors and all of them have said that it is a VERY emotional situation and that there were times when they'd just cry. Their emotions were all over the place. It's hard. It is VERY VERY HARD. No matter what you are doing with your day, or how busy you are, or how thankful you are, or how much faith you have--- this is a HARD, EMOTIONAL situation.
With all that said, I had three very strong days in a row prior to today. I think most of the days have been and will be "strong days'. I hope for patience and understanding for the rough times.
A breast cancer survivor came to visit today. It's really very meaningful to have people who've "been there" to talk with. She's given me encouragement about possible treatment and even told me about someone who can help me get a really good wig that will look natural, should the need arise. She's come to the other side of this illness, and that is encouraging to know and see.
I've been wearing a bracelet that a sweet, elderly lady gave to me at the support group the other day. It's made of pink and white beads and it says "HOPE". She quietly slipped it onto my wrist and hugged me. She made it herself, and I believe she's been a survivor of 38 years now. I can't bare to take off this bracelet. So thoughtful.
And, people have been so kind, supportive and loving. I appreciate each one so much!!! This is something you just don't go through alone.
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