Emotional Sunday

Okay, I can "see" that this diagnosis comes with a process of sorts. I am at the 'cutting my losses' stage. I'm not too happy about what I'm losing, but I think once I get through this little emotional detour, I'll realize how much I have to be grateful for in all of this.

I've been upset today that I am losing some control over my body and health (but, does anyone REALLY have control over those things anyway? Maybe we just THINK we do.) I'm not happy that chemo will force me into early menopause at the age of 41. I'm really not happy that I am going to be taking toxic drug therapies that can lead to OTHER health problems just so I can have a chance of surviving this cancer. What choice to I have? NO choice.

So, already, I can't have blood drawn or blood pressure taken on the right side for the rest of my life. Next, the chance of living with lymphodema. And, then the risk of getting uterine cancer and blood clots from taking Tamoxifen. Oh, and let's not forget the loss of my feminity with the hair loss and hormonal side effects of the drugs, although short term. And, ... the next several months of squeezing in the time for another surgery, recovery, and lots of cancer drug treatments. Well, no problem--- I don't have three small children and a house to take care of? And, a first grandbaby on the way and his parents needing my help? So, I can drop everything and just give my life over to cancer for a while? Okay.

All of this is EMOTIONAL "stuff". I know that that is just one aspect of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. The life interuption and loss of sense of control issue.

Down deep, I know God has allowed this for a reason, and that reason is NOT to punish me. It sure does feel like a punishment of sorts, but I know it's not. And, I do recall that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and I know He's waiting beside me --- waiting for me to say "Oh, okay God... You can help me through this." He's not forcing me to rely on Him, but He's waiting for me to. He's not wanting me to shoulder this without Him, and I know He has things to teach me through this. Oh, I will be GLAD to get on the other side of it and grasp those lessons in retrospect.

So, really... emotions are something God created... but they're not what we're supposed to put our stock in. It comes down to grasping God's hand, even when we feel we're feeling emotional.