Sorting Through It

It seems as though there's a lot of info. to sort through. I'm trying to digest it all and put it in some sensible order. I think it's going to make much more sense when I get MORE information from the surgeon at Friday's appointment. I want to ask for a copy of the pathology report, too. I don't even know what stage my cancer is, but I'm guessing it's Stage 2, because the tumor is 2 cm and there has been some node involvement.

What's driving me bonkers is not understanding what I need to about the lymph nodes. If one of two removed tested positive for a small amount of cancer, then is it possible that there are other cancerous nodes IN MY BODY? How are we going to determine that? Do I just ere on the side of caution and tell the surgeon to "take 'em all" under that arm and risk removing perfectly healthy nodes and the possibility of having lymphedema for the rest of my life? It scares me silly to think that there could be cancer left in any of the nodes, and if we don't detect it and remove it, --- it could spread to my lungs or liver. THIS is an example of why I need to get more information from the surgeon and the oncologist. Lack of knowledge induces FEAR.

I've come to accept that another surgery may be a good idea for removing more breast tissue --- just to make sure we get it all. But, these nodes... I need answers. I need wisdom.

At the breast cancer support group today a lady was sharing in a way that I found to be very disturbing and scary. Thank God the moderator finally brought this woman's speaking to a HALT. I was so overwhelmed that I wondered how I could bolt out the door. When the moderator told the lady that that type of sharing could be scary for a newly diagnosed group member I lost it and started crying. Darn it! I didn't want to do that! I started to wonder if I've come into the group too soon. The women are absolutely wonderful people and the elderly survivors are so endearing--- I don't want to disassociate, but I'm thinking it'd be wise to wait a few weeks until I have a more clear cut plan regarding treatment and can handle hearing about drugs, treatment experiences, etc. The group members are much more ahead in their journey than I am. Right now, all of the drug terminology and side effects talk just upsets me. But, what a GREAT group of women. Strong women!

I'm still so tired that I feel like I move at a snail's pace. I don't want to be a dread to my family. it's frustrating to watch them move quickly around me and doing my chores and responsibilities. I can't beat them to it. I'm just TIRED.

Stephen's taken the kids out back to play as the weather is nice today. I have rented a family movie for us to relax and watch with them when they come in. Tonight, I have to let things go... no sweeping, no cooking... we'll eat leftovers. We'll live.