TIRED

How incredibly frustrating it is to feel SO TIRED. I carry a load of laundry from the basement and fold it, and then I'm exhausted. This is not my normal energy level. Usually, I go-go-go all day long.

Thankful for the love and support of those who keep on encouraging and don't give up on me!

Cleaning lady this morning... huge help! Stephen wants to do some errands, but I don't know if I feel up to joining him. Normally, we do everything together: bill payments, etc. I feel l like I'm not keeping up on my end of things these days.

Even making supper sounds like a big chore later. Normally, it's work, but it's a regular part of my day. I don't like to have my family skimp on nutrition. If nothing else, I make sure we have a hot meal.

Well, maybe we'll have some more answers tomorrow after the appointment with the surgeon. I hope he has time to listen and to talk, because I can't stand not being well-informed.

9:12 PM
The kids are in bed and I'm going soon. I'm feeling very discouraged tonight that I have cancer. As if having three babies within three years and five months wasn't enough to contend with! I am busy. I am tired. This is a major life disruption to my entire household. This is hard on my husband who is already working two jobs, doing household chores, helping raise three babies...
This is hard on my older children who need me to be strong and "doing" things to aid them in life. And, those three little kids need me 24/7. I don't get time off to be sick. HOW is my husband going to shoulder so much for an extended period of time if I cannot be a fair and equal partner due to illness? Okay, so I think I'm getting a bit closer to asking God "why", although I don't want to do that, because I know He has allowed it for whatever reasons and He will bring us through it, even if I don't feel like I can do this sometimes.
I feel angry at the cancer. I want to get the surgeries and treatments overwith, get the hair out of my scalp and grown back in again, suffer whatever pain and aggrivation is going to come with treatement... and get it OVERWITH. I'm ready to get going, because the sooner we start in on trying to cure this mess the sooner I can get back to being the wife and mother that I have been and want to continue being.
When I was putting Kathryn's pj's on tonight and looking at her sweet little face I asked God to PLEASE let me live to raise this child. I don't want to miss ANYTHING during her childhood. That baby is so sweet, happy and special--- HOW could I miss anything?! I CANNOT.
I hope and pray the surgeon has more than 15 minutes to spare tomorrow, because I NEED answers. I NEED to know what it means for me to have some cancer in one of the nodes he removed. I NEED to know when he can get me on the books and get the rest of the potentially cancerous breast tissue out of my body. I don't want to wait for the oncologist to find time for me on April 23rd to hash this overwith. Let's just get the rest of this junk out of my body!
I'm tired of watching people buzz around like everything's fine in the world. It doesn't feel fine to me. My life feels like it's come to a halt and I don't know how to plan any longer. Can I take my kids to the beach this summer without being sick and weak? Can we take them to Storyland like we wanted to simply because they aer four going on five and they're at the perfect age to enjoy it this year? I DO NOT WANT TO MISS A BEAT THIS SUMMER WITH MY FAMILY. And, ... my husband simply wanted to go to Africa this summer to see his mother for the first time in over six years. That wasn't too much to ask. But, cancer. He has to stay home and take care of me. NOTHING is sure anymore. No planning. Just waiting to find out if I can be cured and live. Then, maybe I can have permission to plan ahead and look forward to something with my family again.