I'm struggling with a bout of discouragement this evening. Several times today, as I went about my normal routine, I thought "Today feels NORMAL!" I felt relief when things seemed right and usual. But, just as soon as I felt a sense of normalcy, reality slapped me in the face again-- each time. I have cancer. A long road of fighting this life threatening disease waits ahead.
I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to feel weak. I don't want my lifestyle and routine to be interrupted. I don't want my family to be waiting for me to get better so they can feel normal again, too. This cancer business really stinks! I need encouragement.
It was even more disheartening when I looked at the clock at 5:00 PM and realized that the doctor's office didn't call to schedule the scans before the staff went home for the day. Does this mean that the insurance company has yet to approve them? Should I even hope that there will be news tomorrow? Does anyone at the insurance company care that people are waiting on them for life saving procedures to be okayed?
Stephen and I did errands today while the kids were in school and the baby napped at home under Kaylee's watch. It seemed like everything was okay... as if we were back where we were at two weeks ago, before we found out something's wrong with my body. I wish I could just wake up and this would all be a dream---this cancer.
Kaylee and I cooked a good meal together tonight: chicken pot pie, mashed potatoes and gravy, and green beans. I was happy for my family to have a nice hot meal. Yet, when we were sitting at the table eating together, my mind kept wandering off to what's coming-- scans, surgery, recovery, radiation, drug therapy (chemo?)... and delays along the way for scheduling, insurance approvals, etc. Can't we just get this overwith? I want to get past it and move on with life.
And, any time I think of the possibility of losing my hair I feel horrible! :-( It will take a long time to grow it back to the length I like. I don't want to have short hair for months once it starts growing back.
I guess all of this sounds silly when you consider that losing hair in exchange for saving your life is what's necessary. Yet, I'm not too thrilled about my grandbaby's first year pictures with grandma showing a sickly, thin woman without hair. That person isn't ME. :-( Not yet, anyway.
I don't doubt that God's with me and He's still holding my hand, even in this valley I am in tonight. I expect that the emotional aspect of dealing with cancer is going to be like this--- ups and downs, and even several times within a day.
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Dear Kelli, I'm just catching up on your recent posts. I know how hard this must be for you to share your inner-most thoughts. You have always been so private, especially when you're facing a challenge.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not surprised that you are needing to write. You've always been a writer at heart. I'm so glad that you have this way to release some of these thoughts. You know how much you mean to me! Love you, Jen
Thank you, Jennifer. :-) I love you, too. It's hard to explain, but I've felt really driven to write about this experience from the get-go. For one, it's theraputic. Otherwise, I think maybe God wants me to do this for a reason. If nothing else, it's a record of what He is doing and can do. Thanks for taking the time to read it. And, yes, I'm very private, so it's a bit of a stretch to write pubically. :-)
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