Scans and Sensitivity

I'm feeling emotional today. It may be partially due to having the past two nights of sleep disrupted by the needs of two of the children, as well as a lot to do with this unexpected medical diagnosis. When walking the boys to school today, I felt like I couldn't breath. I was choking on emotion.

The surgeon's office called this morning to inform me that scans have been scheduled. The first one will take place tom. afternoon at 1:30. It's a CT SCAN of the chest, abdomen and pelvis. There's also an order for blood work.

The bone scan has been scheduled for April 5th, my 41st birthday. They can't do it sooner, because the hospital has a shortage of the dye that is necessary for the injection related to this scan. I won't lie. I'm very disappointed that it's going to be a couple of weeks before this can be done, because for some reason I've been expecting that this cancer will be removed from my body and treated right away. I'm starting to think that this is going to be a very SLOW process. It's also an EMOTIONAL process, no matter how strong my faith is. I write to work through my emotions.

Friends have offered some interesting perspectives today:

-we're blessed to have medical care in this country
-it's good that I'm able to get this taken care of before the new health care system is in place
-that they've had relatives treated for breast cancer who have survived and are doing fine
-that it's good to at least have the scans scheduled

It's nice to hear the perspectives of others, and I do appreciate them. When one is experiencing a trial that is emotionally upsetting, she doesn't always see things from different angles that can be helpful. I value what my friends are sharing. The challenge for me in all of this is to not be offended or hurt by well meaning comments that can easily be misunderstood due to the gamut of personal emotions involved in working through this.

A few people have thought it'd be somehow helpful for me to know that they know someone who is "full of cancer" or is dying of cancer. That's definitely not the kind of thing I can easily cope with, emotionally, right now. But, in fairness, I know it's terribly awkward to know WHAT to say to someone who is experiencing crisis. I've been there myself, many times.

What's most important is that others do care and they are praying, and I'm so thankful for each one!

And, I do know that my situation could be much worse, and that others are also suffering from breast cancer or worse. I don't want to be the single focus of everyone's life, or something crazy like that. I'm reaching out, because I am overwhelmed and cannot go through this without the love, support and prayers of others. I have never walked down this path before. It's new. It's scary.

My elderly mother is having a hard time understanding why the doctor can't fix this problem NOW! I've tried several times to explain it to her, but she's worried and upset, and it's just not making sense to her. She just wants her daughter to be okay. Her own emotional experience with all of this is impacting me, as well. It's hard. She watched her father die of cancer. Now, her daughter ha been diagnosed.

There's just something about the "C" word that IS terribly disturbing. It's natural for the news "You have cancer" to cause a sense of urgency in the patient to want to get the cancer removed from their body YESTERDAY. (Especially when you have young children who need you, and if you've watched your grandfather lose his battle with cancer and you stood in his hospital room and watched him draw his last breath.)

There are times when I feel really strong and I know God is in control of my health needs, and there are times when I feel very weak and I still know God is on control of my health needs. Today is a weak day. It's good to know that God is STILL there, even on days like this.