March

When I woke up this morning I didn't have to remember that I have cancer. Today, I KNEW that I do. I dreamed about it last night.

My nights are becoming more restless since receiving the diagnosis. If a noise wakes me at some point, my thoughts go to cancer and I have trouble falling back to sleep.

It's early yet, and my little ones are still sleeping, so it's a quiet time to ponder what's on my mind. I've been thinking about the month of March and how over the years, it's held some significant occurances in my life. There have been good and bad things that have happened in March. My firstborn son was born in the third month of the year. That was a good thing. I lost my 10 year old dog, Abby, a Weimeranner in March two years ago. That was a sad time. But, three days later, I found out that I was expecting my fifth child, Kathryn. When the twins were 22 months old, we traveled with them and my oldest son to Disney World and had a great time. It was Stephen's and my first family trip together. That's a great March memory! And, then this year, I learned that I have cancer in March. So, right now, I'm having ambivilant feelings about the month of March.

I'm writing with pink fonts today, because pink has become a symbolic color for our family. We call it Kathryn's color, because when I found out that I was expecting a girl I went "pink crazy". Most all of our baby equipment is pink. She has lots of pink clothes, pink bedding and pink shoes. Even some of her toys are pink. :-)

Kathryn is a happy "surprise ending" in our family. She's the last born, and she's the girl that I secretly wished I had. I wanted to have two daughters. I guess God knew that I desired to have another girl and He showered that little blessing upon us. Last night, I realized just how much of a miracle she is for Stephen and I. When reading about some of the cancer treatments I may face down the road, I learned that some can lead to infertiility. How awesome it is that God has given us our complete family BEFORE we have to deal with the cancer.

Late last night Stephen and I had a chance to sit down and read through some of a wonderful informative book about breast cancer. I think it's important for us to learn about this together and both be "on the same page" (pun intended) regarding what I'm going to face in the coming months. I believe this is an "us" experience, because there's no possibility that it will affect one and not the other.

The book was bundled into a nice little packet that was beautifully gift wrapped and inserted into a bright pink bag by a non-profit organization called Caring Connections. The book segment of the program is called Bridging Books. The surgeon handed us this gift as we left the meeting on Monday. It contains a wealth of information, as well as how to get in touch with some people at Caring Connections. They offer support groups. I've contacted them, because I feel the need to communicate with other women who's lives have been invaded by breast cancer.

It's astonishing how many women ARE impacted by breast cancer. In just the past few days I've learned that several ladies I have known for some time are breast cancer survivors. And, most people personally knowo someone who has survived it.

Yesterday, I spent some time chatting with a lady that I see most every day in the community. She is a survivor and she's doing well two years after her diagnosis. I think she's a remarkable lady who is very creative and fun. She has so much "life" even after cancer. She was a great encouragement to me. She informed me that chemotherapy isn't always as bad as we picture it in our minds to be. She told me that I will still be able to do some normal activities, but I will need a nap each afternoon, and that we are going to need a lot of help. It was great to know that I won't be flat on my back for months during treatment. :-) But, when she told me we'll need a lot of help, I felt a sense of panic.

Stephen and I have ALWAYS managed on our own and have been reluctant to ask for help. Taking care of twin babies was the hardest thing either of us has ever done, but we didn't want to bother anyone and just pushed through the sleepless nights and exhausting days. Then, Kathryn came along, and we've been very tired people for a number of years. But, we don't ask for help. It's not something I'm comfortable with doing. I know everyone else is busy with their life, too.

When Kaylee is home she brings us a lot of relief by entertaining the boys or helping with taking them to or from preschool on some occasions. Sometimes, she'll listen for Kathryn while she's napping and we rush out to run some errands. But, other than having Kaylee's occasional help, we've "done it all".

So, yes, I'm worried about asking for help when it comes to this cancer thing. I don't want to interrupt someone else's life and schedule. Yet, I KNOW we're going to need people. Maybe this is one of the things that God is going to teach me through all of this... that we are to be there for one another in a time of need, and those who need help need to be humble about accepting it. :-/ (I have a hunch that I'm onto something here!)

We're usually quite private people, so sharing my inner-most thoughts with others in the form a blog makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Yet, writing seems to be a part of me somehow, and I have felt compelled to write about this experience from the get-go. It's something I HAVE to do, and I can't explain it better than that.

My little people are starting to stir, so quiet time is over until late this evening.