Devistating

When I'm asleep ...I don't know I have cancer. Every time I wake-up, I realize it, just like it's news all over again. Last night, Stephen came to bed at 11:00. I was sleeping but the noise of the door opening jolted me awake. I started crying. He asked "Why?" It was because I woke up and felt the pain under my arm and the drain hanging down and realized, once again, that I have cancer.

I feel so physically miserable right now that I cannot imagine going through what's to come. I don't feel I can do it, but know down deep that I have to do it, and I will do it.

Right now, I just want to sleep all of the time. If I go downstairs for a meal with the kids, I come right back upstairs feeling weak and exhausted. And, getting a bath takes everything I've got. I'm down for a couple of hours after bathing. It's very hard to bathe with this drain in place and my arm being out of commission. Someone has to wash my back and my hair and then dry my hair.

I wasn't expecting to feel like this after the second surgery. My blood count was consistently low while in the hospital so I think that this is part of the problem. I'm taking vitamins with iron and trying to eat iron fortified cereal.

I'm worried about Stephen. He's filling the roles of father, mother, and home manager without a break. He's missing both jobs without pay. The consequences of that are going to show up in our faces very soon. But, there's just no way I could take care of the kids and house right now. Kaylee helps what she can when she's not working or sleeping due to her late night job.

I'm thankful that ladies from our church are providing meals, and I can't adequately express how much that means to us. We are not having to worry about tyring to make nutritious hot meals. It would have been hard for Stephen, because he doesn't know how to prepare many American foods, and he's already doing so much in the home and with the kids. I hope and pray I will be cured and that Kaylee and I can join this meals ministry ourselves in the future. It's so helpful.

And, we have some hired cleaning help once per week which is lifting a bit burden right now. She came today and got the weekly basics done.

There are things to be thankful for, for sure.

Otherwise, I have to be honest in saying that right now this recovery and what's to come are more than I can handle. It's "too much". I'm getting by on the prayers of others and in knowing deep inside that God is still there.

I'm completely devistated to have this disease, and to know what's coming. And, how discouraging it is to know that I'll have to have MORE breast surgery in the near future...to know that cancer cells are still there. :-( The invasive cancer is gone, including the positive nodes, but the ductal carcinoma in situ is still invading my breast. :-( If I opt for a mastectomy next time, that will lead to reconstructive surgery... a seeminly never-ending battle with this disease and it's devistation.

I wish I could wake up and it would just all be a bad dream.