We Ran Away!

We HAD to get away. I had to get away. So, we ran away this weekend--- Stephen, Kaylee, the little ones and I. Oh I am SO GLAD we did!

We went to a hotel with a heated pool. The kids really enjoyed swimming (with their life jackets on, of course). I wasn't able to get in the pool with them because I still have a JP drain (bummer!), but Stephen and Kaylee played with them. Little Stephen learned how to do the dog paddle and loved swimming around by himself a bit. Even Kathryn was crazy about the water. :-) Sam's quite proud that he can inflate a beach ball by himself. :-)

We also went to a buffet restaurant, because I wanted to be able to eat at a place like that one more time before starting chemotherapy. Once that begins, I can't eat a a salad bar type place.

The kids loved Chuck E. Cheese. :-) That is their favorite place. They like it better than Disney World. :-) Little Stephen learned how to do skee bowling and was racking up quite a string of tickets from his bowling lane. Sadly, someone stole them before he was finished with the game. He felt so bad, and Mama was MAD! :-/ GRRRR. But, God blessed him with lots of "floating tickets" that a worker threw into the air a couple of times. He got back more than he'd lost. :-)

We went shopping at a store that has a bunch of seasonal things --- what they offer depends on the time of the year. And, we also got sandwiches at one of our favorite little places in that city. Before coming home, we visited some African friends who'd moved from this area a couple of years ago. It was good to see them.

This morning I had port-a-cath surgery. I so dreaded it--- ANOTHER procedure, ANOTHER IV, ANOTHER medical appointment, ANOTHER experience with getting picked and prodded... it's getting "old", and it's far from over. At least my veins will get a break for the next half year, because everything can be done with the port: blood draws, chemo injections, etc.

The emotional aspect of having a port in place is now that I know it's there, chemo is so REAL to me--- it IS going to happen. It's not a bad dream. I DO have cancer. I have to swallow this realization over and over and over again---and it sometimes feels like I'm choking on food that someone is force feeding me with.

We met with a social worker at the cancer facility on Friday. She alluded to the idea that the news of my diagnosis is still "new" and that maybe I'm still coming to terms with it. Yep! She's right on the money. I absolutely cannot stand the fact that I have cancer, and I only allow myself to sink a little bit low over it most of the time before I come back up and get ready to fight again. I do not want to go too "low". I refuse to go there. I'm afraid if I go there, I won't be able to get back on top of this. I just keep going through the motions. If they tell me I need surgery, I get surgery. My feet take me to the hospital. If they tell me I need a check-up, I follow my feet to the doctor's office. I just keep going...

Onto a different topic that cancer patients face--- the things people say. There's a local woman that I buy small things from (beauty products). It's gotten so I dread talking with her each week, because she's just so off the mark with what's appropriate to say. I always feel like she's waiting for me to say I'm dying. It's unreal! Today, she called and said "You had ANOTHER surgery?" I explained that I'd had a port put in. She said "YOU STILL HAVE CANCER IN YOU?" I tried to educate her about the fact that even if the cancer's been removed, they still usually treat the whole body with chemotherapy as a precaution (if microscopic cancer cells may have broken away into the bloodstream and traveled throughout the body and "landed" somewhere). I may as well have been talking to the door. Then, she piped up with "ARE YOU GOING TO LOSE YOUR H-A-I-R?" I tried to answer her in a mature way, but i really wanted to tell her she was pretty careless with her questions. I mean, losing our hair is one of the most traumatic experiences for female cancer patients!"

Oh, and then in the recovery room this morning my nurse asked me "So, you're just starting your journey?" I informed her that my journey started two months ago when I had a routine mammogram and found out that I have cancer. I feel like I've already walked through a little corner of hell, so no, this isn't the beginning. This is getting toward the middle.

And, how about getting away this weekend with my family for a "cancer time out" and talking to a relative on the phone who felt the need to tell me about someone they know having brain cancer that's spread to other parts of the body. HELLO! I'm worrying about distant metastises (sp?) right now and someone's telling me about cancer spreading in someone else?

It takes patience. It takes grace. And, I so need God to help me with both. I'm TRYING to remember advice from another lady I know who's had cancer and has survived. She said to remember that most people have good intentions even if they say the wrong thing. :-)

Well, why go "there" after such a nice weekend. :-) I guess it's just interesting the things that people say at times. I'm sure I'm guilty, too, of saying something in an awkward or hurtful way when my intentions were good.

To end this on a postive note--- the weather is beautiful, my children are happy and healthy, my husband is amazing, my grandbaby is doing super and may go home soon, and we just had a really special time away as a family. I have some awesome friends, and the prayers of so many wonderful, dear people. God has blessed me especially during this difficult time in our lives.