Perspective

It's extremely hard for me to watch my husband going non-stop all day long with the care of the kids, household responsibilities and all the other things that must be done in a day--- and I can't help right now. He does so much and never ever complains. If anyone didn't know him well, they'd think he's a super human of some sort simply because he does not stop and doesn't let on how exhausted he is. But, I'm his wife and I KNOW he's tired. I wish so badly that I were back to normal and able to at least take on some of my duties again.

I laid in bed this morning and heard my baby calling from her crib. I wanted very much to go and pick her up, kiss her good morning, change her diaper and start the day. Then, I heard the boys playing downstairs. I would normally be getting their breakfast and starting in on the housework.

I laid in bed and cried. I felt helpless and useless, and completely out of control over my life. I prayed and asked God to help me. I thought of my baby grandson laying in his NICU bed and also relying on the doctors to preserve his life. I felt like Aloysius and grandma are in a similar situation right now. We're dependent on others. And, then I remembered something my cousin shared with me yesterday--- a piece of it alludes to the fact that God is bigger than the doctors. Ultimately, I am in God's hands. Aloysius is in God's hands. I pray that God guides the doctors and gives us all wisdom, and that God brings both Aloysius and I to good health through their skill.

I've had to let go of so much... I can't visit my grandbaby. I can't go shopping for him. I can't take care of Kanaho ---cook and clean fo her while she recovers from surgery. I can't take pictures of my son holding his son. All of these things break my heart. I feel like dreams have been shattered. It's not supposed to be this way. But, it IS this way and I must accept it. And, in this disappointment, I must look for the good. Kanaho is fine and she's strong. Tyler is filled with love for his son and someone is taking pictures. Aloysius has what he needs for now. I can shop in the future. I will see Aloysius tomorrow, God willing, when I go for my own appointment at the hospital. I was able to give Kanaho and Tyler meals yesterday as the church ladies have blessed us with an abundance of food that we are able to share with them. And, if God heals me, I'll be able to spend time with Aloysius in the coming years. No matter what, he will know
Grandma loves him.

In talking with my father this morning, I inquired about a mechanic in his small town who'd recently had a heart attack. I thought about how useless I feel right now and how my limitations are temporary. But, the man we talked about will most likely never be able to work again. How hard that would be for a man who's worked all of his life. So, I think that I have a lot to be thankful for. Someone else ALWAYS has it worse somehow.

In all that I'm feeling and experiencing right now--- this morning I told God it's too much for me. I was also feeling bad about some mean comments someone had made earlier in the week. God reminded me that HIS grace is sufficient for me in all of these things. After that, I felt I could get out of bed and start the day, even with limitations.